Wife Disobeys and Abuses Me & My Family

01 August, 2020
Q Assalamu Alaikum.

I have been residing in the UAE for 11 years. I got married 7 years ago and stayed with my wife in India for 45 days, after which I came back for 3 months, but lost my job. I informed my wife what happened and started searching for another job.

During that period there in India some misunderstanding occurs between my mother and my wife. My mother is very silent in nature. I said to my wife to be patient.

Later, I came to know that it was she who misbehaved with my mother. When I asked her to apologize, she left my home and started living with her mother.

She used to pressurize me to take her to UAE even when I didn’t have a job. Fortunately, I got a job in August and booked her ticket. I made one mistake completely unintentionally; I told them the plane takes off at 10:30 PM, but realized later it was AM.

Unfortunately, no one checked the time of the plane, so they went to airport, my family also went with her. When she came to know the flight was gone, she called me.

I apologized and promised her to change the ticket, but she didn’t listen. She made a big issue, fought with my parents, my sister and brother accusing them that this was done by them because they didn’t want her to go.

She humiliated my family due to her and her family members’ assumption. I changed the ticket, she came to the UAE. I asked her to apologize for the wrong she did, and she did.

One year passed and she got pregnant and went back to India for delivery. The disputes between her and my family continued, so I told her to come back to the UAE. I always find her disobedient and not loyal to me.

She always says, “if you want me to be here, give me jewelry, etc. Whenever I talk to my family, she uses abusive words.

I kept my coolness and thought that she would understand me once. Any time we go back to India, there are heavy disputes between my wife and family. I told her many times her voice is too loud when speaking to my family, but she did not listen.

I tried to calm down the situation and asked my family also to be there for her with the kids, don’t take her words seriously; I requested my wife in a calm manner to stop talking to them in this manner.

When my family was visiting me here, they wanted to go to a hotel to stay in. I told my wife, please, ask them not to go, but she did not respond and said let them go.

My mother was sitting there. So, I took them to the nearest hotel. My wife’s behavior is very abusive; she gets physical with me. She has started threatening me if I went to meet them, she would cut her hand or go away from the house.

She even taught my children bad words to use against my sister and mother. My mother is very upset and angry for my wife. Please advise, how should I handle this type of wife whereby she has no regret for his behavior?

If I tell her I want to leave her, she threatens me with the police, taking my kids, or cutting her hands and reporting to the police that I have done it. She doesn’t trust me.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

You seem like a very good husband and father and you deserve a good, loving wife. It appears you have been trying so hard to make this marriage work, to please her – to no avail.

Often times, brother, even if we want something to work out, Allah (swt) in His love and mercy has other plans for our lives to prevent us from further harm.

Please do take care of yourself. Eat healthy good foods, drink water, exercise, and spend social times with friends for a balance.

Please do contemplate your options brother with seriousness.

Please do secure legal counsel regardless of what decision you make.

As-Salamu ‘Aleikom,

I am truly sad to hear of all the issues you and your family are having. It must be very difficult for you to live under these circumstances. Your wife’s cruel treatment of your family (yelling at them, insulting them, accusing them, kicking them out of your home, etc.) are very haram behaviors.

That coupled with her abusive treatment of you leads me to wonder about her motives for this marriage as well as her mental health status. It appears she has no loving no compassionate feelings towards you or the family.

Her past

Brother, how much of your wife’s past do you know of? Was she always this way or did this behavior just start? Does she have any past issues of abuse or trauma? Her behavior indicates a possible mental illness and her abuses most certainly should not be tolerated.

It appears you had an indication of what she would be like with her initial reaction to your mistake in booking the flight at a different time. However, your family did seek to make her feel welcomed, loved and part of the family. Despite this, she was still hostile and disrespectful, yet it was not adequately addressed, dear brother.

In sha’Allah, please do review your life in regards to your wife. Make a list of the pros and cons of staying married to her. Look at your list and make istakharah to Allah (swt) for guidance. As Allah (swt) created marriage to provide a mercy, comfort and love between two people, your wife sadly cannot fulfill this as she appears bitter, manipulative and angry.

Her behavior

In addition brother, as you know, it is not normal to bite others. As she is biting your hands and teaching your child bad words against your family members, as you mentioned, as well as threating to cut herself and blame you (reporting to police you abused her); this is cause for alarm.

I would kindly suggest the following options for your review. If you desire to remain married to her, I would insist that the condition of continued marriage would be that she receives mental health counseling at once.

Wife Disobeys and Abuses Me & My Family - About Islam

I would write out a contract for her to sign, outlining acceptable behaviors as well as unacceptable ones. Respect for you and your family must be included as well as going for counseling, refraining from yelling, and saying bad things as well as whatever else you feel needs to be put into the contract.

Protection

I would also contact a lawyer and inform him of her threats of the abuse accusations if she does, indeed, follow through with them. You need to protect yourself, so please do seek legal advice and try to have witnesses as to her threats and allegations.

Also, please keep a careful eye on your children because if she is abusing you, she may be abusing your child. If this is the case, you will need to ensure that the child is removed from her custody and placed in a safe home such as your family. A court order may have to be initiated.

I would suggest seeking custody of your child should you decide to divorce. I would also kindly suggest, in sha’ Allah, that if you decide to stay with her, that in addition to her going for mental health counseling, that you both also go for marriage counseling.

Options

This will help you both develop better communication and help you develop additional coping skills to deal with whatever mental health issues she is dealing with (if any). In sha’ Allah, this will increase your closeness and give you a better understanding of her issues and how to deal with them if you chose so. This may need to be done until she is stable.

If you do decide to divorce her, again, please do keep careful records of what is going on, consult a lawyer as well as your imam at your Masjid. While Allah (swt) dislikes divorce, Allah (swt) also hates abusive, manipulative, haram behaviors in a marriage. Once all avenues of trying to save a marriage have been exhausted, divorce is permitted.


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Marriage

I am not an Islamic scholar brother, so you may wish to consult one; however, I do know that your wife’s behaviors towards you and your family are indeed haram and not acceptable within Islamic (and other) marriage standards.

No one should tolerate abuse within a marriage, no one. You do not deserve this brother, nor does the family. I am so sorry you are going through this. You seem like a very good husband and father and you deserve a good, loving wife. It appears you have been trying so hard to make this marriage work, to please her – to no avail.

Often times, brother, even if we want something to work out, Allah (swt) in His love and mercy has other plans for our lives to prevent us from further harm.

Take care of yourself

Please do take care of yourself. Eat healthy good foods, drink water, exercise, and spend social times with friends for a balance. Too much stress and worry is not healthy and should be offset by positive activities.

Increase your time spent at the Masjid as well as with the brothers there. See if your Islamic community offers support groups for brothers going through difficult marriages. It would be very beneficial in sha’ Allah. Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) for mercy, protection, guidance as well as ease. Recite Qur’an for comfort and direction as well as do dhkir in times of stress to find solace and peace in the remembrance of Allah (swt).

Please do contemplate your options brother with seriousness. Your, your son’s as well as your family’s future lives, safety and happiness is at stake. If your wife is willing and able to change, alhumdulilah. If she is not, then you must make a decision.

Please do pray on it and ensure that you (and your son and family) are protected from false accusations, harm and any wrong doing that could possibly be inflicted from her.

While I cannot diagnose, nor I do know enough about her, from what you have written brother she sounds as if she could present much danger and harm to you and your family. Please do secure legal counsel regardless of what decision you make.

You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.