My Wife Doesn’t Value Me or Our Marriage

29 December, 2019
Q I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage, and it is constantly eating me up inside. I have been married for exactly one year today and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. I can’t help remembering all the bad stuff my wife has said and done to me throughout the year and can’t help feeling this is the nature of her true character and that I am doomed the longer I stay with her.

Bottom line, we don’t get on, we both behave as if we are divorced already. Both families know of our struggles and her betrayals and lies. I met her online, then we met in person and we got married. We agreed on certain things before marriage. However, after getting married, she refused to keep majority of our agreements.

One day, I checked my wife’s mobile and found that until our wedding, she was having an affair with another guy. I’m heartbroken to pieces. I asked her if she slept with him. She was begging me asking whether she should take the morning after pill. But I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again”.

I was wrong. She constantly wants to go back to her family. She is pregnant, but she insists to go back to her old workplace (where she met the guy she was having an affair with). She finally went there, but I made per promise that she would come home for every weekend. Guess what: she comes once a week.

Then she promised to give birth in the city we live, but then I found out she does not have any intention to leave. She wants to give birth in London, and my mother in law argues with me. I even had to prompt my wife that I would like a say in naming our child, when she and her mum had already decided. She does not want to register our daughter legally under my name.

I feel like I have to fight for my rights on my daughter. Anyway due to resentment, bitterness and hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact. We are only here for our daughter. We can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of how it affects our marriage,

Several times I have tried to talk to her, but her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like', ‘I don’t care’ attitudes. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her continuous argumentative approach to me. Intimacy is rare and if there is its speechless. We hardly talk now.

Do I need to get used to being undermined? I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father and she uses that against me. I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a tremendous challenge. I feel I don’t have a say in our child.

My family treats her like a princess, whenever my wife’s at home, it’s as if she's the guest. She behaves as if my home isn’t her responsibility at all, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, therefore will leave everyone and Leicester and flee back home with my child".

Personally, I’d like to die with a loving wife by my side. please. I feel like ending the whole thing and we go our own separate ways, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to have limited access just yet), I pray every day, but I feel I’m not enough for her. It’s as if I’m her part-time thing, or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.

Quite often she said she needs to able to spend at will and be independent". I fear there are bad events around the corner. I worry about my daughter so much. I don’t know what to do.


In this counseling answer:

• As you have suggested marital counseling, charity work, and other ways to save your marriage and she has not responded favorably, I would kindly suggest that you ask her one more time. But it takes two to actively heal a marriage and want it to move forward, not just one.

• I would kindly suggest that you make istikhara prayer.

• Get counseling on a regular basis to help you deal with all the trauma you have been through as well as help you on the path of healing.

Chat with the Life Coach

• Get a paternity test to see if the child is yours and decide whether or not, based on these factors, you want to file for divorce.

As Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,

I am so sad to hear how you are feeling regarding your marriage and your wife. I can imagine that when you both got married, you never expected this. You probably had feelings of great joy and excitement, only for it to be shattered.

From what I understand, she had an affair with a man in London where she worked prior to your marriage. I can imagine brother that it was very devastating when you found out. It must have really hurt your heart. From that point, it appears that she did very little to regain your trust or make efforts to increase your marital closeness. On the other hand, as you were still in your shock and grief over it perhaps you needed more time to accept, forgive and move on. However, it seemed as if things progressed swiftly concerning the unraveling of your marriage.

As you stated, she kept going to her parents and spent little time with you. She returned to her workplace in London (where the guy was). So, it is quite possible that the child is not yours.

May Allah forgive me for saying this, but from what you have said regarding her behavior, such as being at her parents all the time, not wanting the baby registered as legally yours, as well as her continued defiance and heartlessness concerning the situation is suspect. I also saw a red flag when you found out about the affair and she asks you if you wanted her to take the “morning after” pill, essentially aborting any pregnancy if there was one. After all this, she did, in fact, find out she was pregnant.

So, please forgive me as I am not clear on the time frame. As you are married one year now and the baby was born just a few months ago, it makes her possible conception date right around the time you were married. I am just surprised that she would suggest the “morning after” pill at that time unless she thought she was pregnant. Again, I may be wrong, Allah forgives me, but insha’Allah this is something to consider as she is trying her best to keep herself and the baby from you.

Give Her One More Chance

Brother, as you have suggested marital counseling, charity work, and other ways to save your marriage and she has not responded favorably, I would kindly suggest that you ask her one more time. Although Allah does hate divorce, there are instances wherein it cannot be avoided.

It takes two to actively heal a marriage and want it to move forward, not just one. As you stated, you have been traumatized by all of this and rightly so. It will take time as well for you to trust her again even if she does comply with the marriage counseling. A good counselor will be able to help you both through this but again, there are a lot of unknowns here brother as well as a lot of pain put into such a period of time. You both are at a point wherein you can only express anger, hatred, and disgust to each other. This obviously is not a good place to be. Yes, there will be worse things around the corner as you said if it is not resolved as soon as possible.

Make Istikhara

I would kindly suggest that you make istakhara prayer regarding this issue. Ask Allah to show you the truth of all this and guide you to a right decision. I would also suggest that you get a paternity test done to see if she is, in fact, your daughter. Once this is established, you will have rights as a father as well as peace of mind that this is indeed your child.

I also suggest dear brother that you get counseling on a regular basis to help you deal with all the trauma you have been through as well as the help you on the path of healing. Should you and your wife divorce, or should the child not be yours, I can imagine your grief and depression will increase. Thus, a referral to a counselor is recommended.

You stated that you wanted a loving wife by your side till you die. Well, that is ideal and what most want, brother. However, for right now, you must deal with this situation. So, actively address it by asking her one more time to work towards saving the marriage.

Get a paternity test to see if the child is yours and decide whether or not, based on these factors, you want to file for divorce. The sooner you take steps the sooner this will be resolved, in sha’ Allah, one way or another. In sha’ Allah, may Allah grant you ease. May Allah bless you with a kind, loving wife, whether it is your current wife by the change of heart or if it is someone else.

You deserve to be happy, to be loved, respected and treated with kindness.


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.