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My Wife Left Without A Word

17 May, 2020
Q Salam Alikum Ramadddan Karim,

I am from Afghanistan & in 2014 I got married to a Yemeni lady.

We are having trouble in our marriage.

We were living together 3 years in Russia.

In 2018 she traveled to Yemen, and then without even asking me or confiding in me she left to Germany.

It has been 1 year now and she has blocked me from all contact.

She lives in Germany alone and I am in Russia. I can't eat or drink. I am just confused. I need a dua and advice.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

I kindly suggest that you speak with one of her family members to find out what is going on with her.

From here you’ll be able to decide whether or not you want to try to save the marriage or divorce her.

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I’d also kindly suggest that you do speak with your Imam at the Masjid about the situation.

I kindly recommend that you get counseling if possible to help you through this most stressful and traumatic time.

Make duaa to Allah brother and seek refuge in Him.


Ramadan Mubarak, 

Shokran for writing to us with your concerns dear brother. I am so sorry to hear about what happened with you and your wife.

From what you stated, you were married for about 6 years and both you and your wife were living in Russia. She then traveled to Yemen. 

About a year ago she went to Germany and she did not tell you she was going. As it has been over a year you are hurt and confused as at this point, she refuses to text you or even correspond.

Examining Relationship

Brother no doubt she should not just up and leave you (without good reason). I am not sure what your marriage was like prior to her traveling.

Please do think about the following: was your relationship a close one? Were you able to share things together as a couple? Did she seem interested in the marriage? How did you get along with each other? It is strange that she would just get up and leave and not talk to you. 

My Wife Left Without A Word - About Islam

Reasons for Traveling

Perhaps she went to Yemen because she was homesick. However, that does not excuse her for not including you in her plans nor discussing her plans with you to see family.

In fact, she should have consulted with you and together the two of you should have made the plans. As far as her going to Germany last year and not returning, that is very odd as well. 

Emotional Hurt 

I can imagine you must feel very sad, angry, hurt, confused, and betrayed. As Muslims, when we get married we feel that marriages are forever. That the person we marry is honest, open, and up front. Sometimes this is not the case.

When a spouse does hurtful things such as this it can be very painful and devastating. When things like this happen, we can sometimes look back upon the relationship and see little things that  were not quite right, or oddities in behaviors that now make sense.

Nonetheless, it hurts. While you did not give much details, it appears that possibly she wanted to live somewhere else or maybe did not want to be married. Her inability to tell you may be due to her not wanting to hurt you. However, you are hurt regardless and I am sorry this has happened to you. 


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Reaching out to Family

Insha’Allah, if you know any of your wife’s family members perhaps you can talk to them. You should ask them about her going to Yemen as well as going to Germany. Let them know you are concerned and worried as she did not discuss this with you.

And she has refused to respond to your contact attempts. Insha’Allah one of her family members will talk with you and let you know what is going on with her. Islamically that is the correct thing for them to do as she is your wife and that is her family. 

Explanations and Options

Brother it is not clear on what your status is in Russia. It may be that you have a good job there or your family is there. And you could not travel with your wife.

In any event she should not have left. You deserve to know what is going on with your wife and why she has done this. She does owe you an explanation.

Also, at some point in the near future you will need to either resolve this issue with her if possible, or file for divorce. While divorce is not something that Allah likes, in certain cases it is permissible such as this. 

Moving Forward

In order for you to go on with your life you need to have closure. I am very sorry as I know this probably hurts you deeply. Seek to find out why she has done this and what steps you will take is the path to healing.

I am sure that you do not want to live your life in limbo waiting for a wife who may never come back-or worse come back and keep leaving. I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling because of her actions. What she did was very cruel, haram, and deceptive. 

Spirituality, Balance and Mental Health

Please make istakharra prayer brother for any major decisions while this is going on. Continue to go to the Masjid for prayer, Islamic events, and Ramadan activities.

After Ramadan, take up a hobby such as jogging, walking in nature, or going to the gym to work out for exercise. This helps greatly with stress and aids in reduce depression as well.

By seeking a balance in your life right now it will help you to not constantly think about the problem at hand. I am not saying not to deal with it because it must be dealt with. However in life everything is a balance and it is for our good physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Oftentimes when things like this happen in a marriage, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues can set in. It can become very depressing and consume much of the day and nighttime thinking. Counseling can help with this. Seeking a balance even when you don’t feel like it, will help insha’Allah. 

Conclusion

Insha’Allah I kindly suggest that you speak with one of her family members to find out what is going on with her. That is your right. From here you’ll be able to decide whether or not you want to try to save the marriage or divorce her.

I’d also kindly suggest that you do speak with your Imam at the Masjid about the situation. Perhaps he can offer you some spiritual guidance regarding divorce if this is the route you desire.

I kindly recommend that you get counseling if possible to help you through this most stressful and traumatic time. You may find counseling on a regular basis to be of great support right now. Not only will you gain insight insha’Allah, but you may gain skills to help you better deal with the situation you are in.

It is especially true regarding your feelings and any behaviors, stress or anxiety you may be going through. I can imagine this is not easy for you. Make duaa to Allah brother and seek refuge in Him. With Allah’s help and guidance, you will make it through this. We wish you the best.

salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/counseling/ask-about-islam/islam-view-human-emotions/

https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/living-islam/2-powerful-advice-from-allah-during-trials-and-tests/

https://aboutislam.net/family-life/husbands-wives/getting-divorce-five-things-consider/

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.