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Husband Ill-treats Me for Not Having Kids

13 November, 2022
Q As-Salamu Alaykum.

I am married for 4 years, but I haven’t been blessed with children yet. I have gone to doctors and sometimes my reports were normal and other times close to normal with little imbalance in hormones. I have been on medicine for a while. In my family everyone has been blessed with children. Many times I cry and pray to Allah, or fast for a day or two; I give charity and even pray the late night prayer, but now I feel my faith is becoming weak. I firmly believe that Almighty Allah is the Creator of everything, but I’m deprived of happiness as, although I ask Him devotedly, I don’t receive any answer.

I know the Prophets were tested in this regard, but when my husband ill-treats me for not having children, I get really depressed. Ever since we got married, he gets angry at small things. Many times he insults me and my parents, but I keep quiet. If he is in good mood, he is good with me, but if he is tensed due to something, all his frustration would be on me. All this I bear with patience. His medical reports are below normal level, but doctors have not said that we don’t have a baby because of him. I badly want to have children and I have told all my sorrows to Almighty Allah, yet I still don’t conceive.

Many times, my husband puts this frustration of not having kids on me as it was my fault. I wish to ask him how it could be my fault, but I cannot ask when he is angry because he doesn’t allow me to say anything. Allah knows that I have never demanded anything from him or have made any trouble for him.

Please, guide with something so that my faith increases. I know there are many couples who had babies after many years of marriage, but now I feel I cannot bear this hardship anymore. We say Islam gives rights to women, but in reality, does every husband give love and respect to their wives?

Why do men think they have the right to treat their wives whichever way they want just because they provide food and shelter?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

• His job is to comfort you not to abuse you about it!

• You may need to stand up to your husband and tell him that his behavior is not Islamic.


As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum my dear faithful sister in Islam,

Your question moved me extremely because of your suffering and because of the beauty of what you are doing about it – asking Allah (swt) to help you and asking us to help you keep faith in the face of a severe test from Allah (swt)! Allah, The All-Knowing, Answerer of Prayer, is completely aware of your suffering and attentive to it!

I want you to know that I also made du’aa’ for you. I also want you to know that I understand how you must fell as I am a woman, too.

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Alhamdulillah, I was blessed with children, but I know how much having children means to a woman.

I also want you to know that I am very sorry that your husband treats you badly.

He does not understand correctly the nature of his right to leadership. You are absolutely right; “men do not have the right to treat their wives whichever way they want just because they provide food and shelter”.

Allah (swt) says that He (swt) brought you together (in marriage) in love and mercy.

He also said that you are equal, but the man is ONE degree above (Qur’an 2:228). Most men forget the equal part altogether!

In your case, it looks like it is your husband’s hormonal imbalance which is the source of the problem, not yours, so he should apologize to you, not the other way around.

But none of it is anyone’s “fault”. Everyone in the case needs to be strong in their relationship with Allah (swt) and not “take it out” on the other person.

The way your husband takes his frustration out on you when you have done nothing wrong and can do nothing about this situation is very wrong. His job is to comfort you not to abuse you about it!


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Allah (swt) does not say in the Qur’an that you, as a wife, are your husband’s slave, or that he has the right to insult you and make you feel bad!

He means that you should respond to his needs as he has responded to yours by providing for you.

His needs do NOT include the need to take out his frustrations on someone who does not deserve them.

But most people are ignorant of the true ways of Islam and of Islamic jurisprudence!

For you to better understand how and when it appears to you that Allah is not answering your prayers, it may be helpful to talk about what an “answer” might look like.

Sometimes it may look different from what you expect.

  1. Things can manifest in a variety of ways. For example, “war” can be a just war or an unjust war. “War” can also mean a personal struggle which, again, is complete­ly different from a just/unjust war. The first is internal and second external.
  2. Context effects meaning. For example, refusing food in some cultures is a terrible insult to the host while in America it is common practice. Thus, if an American goes overseas and behaves the way they do in America, they can get into serious trouble – because they failed to realize that things can mean different things to different people. So, to see an answer from Allah (swt) – when it is not what you want or expect it to be – you may need to look at it differently and re-evaluate how you define your terms in addition to the contextual realities in which you are operating.

The following is a list of things to reconsider when evaluating your (and our) circumstances:

Life on earth (for humans) is imprisonment to time, the material world, and truth and falsehood.

We can only do things one moment at a time, one step at a time, one word at a time, one breath at a time, and we cannot stop doing that which forces us down a path.

We constantly move and change and because we were created in a milieu of truth and falsehood, we have to choose between those two things.

“Tests”, as stated in the Qur’an, “Verily, We have created man into toil and struggle” (90:4) also move us along that path.

We all have the same sorts of tests because we all live in the same world.

The truthfulness or untruthfulness of the person determines which path they pursue, i.e., how they react to a test.

The path of a believer goes from darkness into light, and the path of a kaafr (someone who covers the truth) is from light into darkness.

For instance, Shaitan was a devoted believer until he flunked his first and only test at which time he became the first and the worst kaafr in creation.

The way tests educate us is that they create “contrast”. Good does not feel good unless we know what bad feels like.

For example, food tastes good when we are hungry; sleep feels good when we are sleepy; warmth feels good when we are cold; shade feels good when we are too hot, etc.

When we realize that nothing means anything except in contrast with its opposite, then we can understand how the ways of Shaitan can be a benefit to us!

For example, before Adam and Eve sinned, they did not really appreciate what they had in Jannah because they had never experienced its opposite.

Once they sinned and lost Jannah, they became conscious of the value of it – by experiencing its opposite.

With this understanding, we understand how Shaitan is “good” for us (while not being good himself).

That is a “paradox”, and that word is very important to my answer to your question because it speaks directly to my point: you may be getting an answer but don’t know it because it does not look like what you expect.

Life is full of paradoxes, but the paradox is what makes faith challenging.

If faith weren’t challenging, if everything was obvious and easy, everyone would believe.

But Allah (swt) has made faith just complicated enough to make us have to use our brains and hearts to figure it out.

The beauty in figuring out the challenge is that when you discover it, it feels great. You get an “Aha” moment of enlightenment.

The first ground rule for pursuing this path to enlightenment is to recognize that Allah (swt) is only good.

Thus, everything from Allah (swt) is good. And, since everything is from Allah (swt), everything is good – even Shaitan, as explained above.

Passing the test paradoxically delivered in a package of suffering which challenges your thinking.

Allah (swt) tests the hardest the ones He (swt) loves the most.

So, difficulties are compliments from Allah and confirmation that He (swt) cares about you.

Difficulties give you more opportunities for enlightenment and to get to the ultimate enlightenment – Jannah, where we see the face of Allah, in sha’ Allah.

Your fear for your faith is further affirmation of your faith because evil people glory in evil.

You did the opposite: “Many times I cry and pray to Allah (swt), or fast for a day or two; I give charity and even pray the late night prayer”.

When your faith was feeling exhausted, instead of giving up, you asked for help.

So, be comforted in all your choices in response to your test(s); they are the path to enlightenment and Allah (swt), in sha’ Allah!

Another hard part of your test is that you may need to stand up to your husband and tell him that his behavior is not Islamic.

Ask Allah (swt) to help you with His strength. When telling him that he is making a mistake, use Islamic proofs for your points, like “The best of you is the best to his wives…” (Tirmidhi).

Also, have the courage to point out the truth that it is his hormones which are out of balance.

Your endurance is beautiful. Standing up to your husband and all those Muslim men who have the wrong interpretation of their role as our leaders is beautiful.

Making du’aa’ only to Allah (swt) is the most beautiful thing in the world.

Asking for help from us, your fellow believers because you don’t want to lose faith is beautiful.

All the things you are doing are answers to your prayers; they make you a beautiful person.

Allah (swt) is making you righteous, and His servant, and there is no greater good or beauty in this world!

When we reach our grave, this world will be insignificant, and on your deathbed when you face entering your grave, your devotion to Allah (swt) through all these trials will be a great hope for you.

We believe in the next Life because it is the only way all the injustices of the world can be born, knowing that Allah (swt) will straighten it all out one day. That is your comfort in faith – throughout suffering.

Do not expect this world to be comforting. Don’t expect this world to ever be anything but difficult and challenging, and then you will not be disappointed when it is.

More importantly, when Allah (swt) does send the relief, in this life and/or in the next, in sha’ Allah, it will mean so much more to you because you suffered more to get there.

Paradoxically, the things that matter most in this world are the things for which we suffer the most.

The people who are the best are the ones who suffered the most and kept the faith.

All that said, I also hope Allah (swt) sends you relief in this life, too.

But do not expect it, and definitely, do not expect it to be what you think it should be. It might come packaged in paradox.

Enlightenment and wisdom are gifts from Allah (swt) which He (swt) only gives according to His will.

I truly hope this helps, in sha’ Allah.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/family-society/husbands-wives/infertile-couples-childless-doesnt-mean-hopeless/
About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery.For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.