My husband is the best man I know. He is Kind, loving, caring, and gentle. He helps around the house. He is a great dad. Just everything in the textbooks.
But for some reason he has very low sexual urges. Or maybe I have a high libido. I don’t know.
But we go well over a month without sex and it’s hard for me. And I hate asking him for it constantly. He just has excuses every night.
Lately it has got me to resort to haram acts (masturbating) and I hate it. I honestly feel bad because of this.
I’ve tried talking to him and he just says I’m too demanding. Once a week or once in 2 weeks is all I ask for.
Help me. Please give me any advice.
In this counseling answer:
First, try to identify if there is any reason as to why he may be seemingly looking for excuses.
If it is a medical matter then you can support him in getting medical help.
It’s good to break from this routine and refresh your marriage every now and again.
Try something new and exciting, or romantic, whichever preference you both have.
Alhamdulilah that you are married to a good man that meets the criteria of a good husband and father to your children. However, there is an aspect of your marriage that is causing you difficulties and that is the lack of sex.
It may be that your libido is high and his is just average, or perhaps his is just low. It is difficult to know for sure but there are some things that you can do to try and reach a place that will make you both happy regardless of which is the case
First, try to identify if there is any reason as to why he may be seemingly looking for excuses. Is it that he never wants to have sex, or he does, but not as often as you like? Is there any reason why he might be declining?
Maybe he is very busy with work so has other things on his mind? Is he stressed about something? Does he feel inferior in the bedroom? Also does he have any underlying health concerns? These are all things that could be potentially affecting his sex drive.
If you can understand any underlying reasons then you can approach the situation more tactfully with this in mind and work together in overcoming these difficulties. It will also help your self esteem too as you can appreciate why he is behaving the way he is.
If it is a medical matter then you can support him in getting medical help for the same. If it is an inferiority issue, then you can reassure him. If it is otherwise there are some things you can do to support your relationship and improve your sex life.
Check out this counseling video:
It’s not unusual for the level of activity to go down following having children and just generally time passing. It’s good to break from this routine and refresh your marriage every now and again. Ask friends or family to take care of the children for the week, or even just an evening and do something nice just the 2 of you.
Try something new and exciting, or romantic, whichever preference you both have. Go somewhere that you both used to enjoy going in the early days when things were fresh and exciting. Relive those days again.
All these approaches will give you both the chance to spend time alone together doing something to nurture your marriage and ignite the spark again. Things that will make sex come more naturally
If it is that he has been stressed or experiencing work overload then this approach will be helpful. Likewise, if it is simply a matter of low sex drive, again this will be helpful in boosting this also.
May Allah bring you both happiness and success in your marriage in this life and the next.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.