My husband has committed sins. Frequently. He has lied, been a hypocrite, been in illicit relationships. I have just come to know the truth. Since our engagement, he has been in an illegal sexual relationship with multiple girls. I was abroad at that time, and the only means of communication we had was via mobile phone. He would wake up with this girl and text me.
After marriage, he never seemed to be satisfied with me, and my body. He always complained how unattractive my private parts were. I was ashamed, and got overly concerned about my body image. We never seemed to have built this soul-to-soul relationship. There was a void. As it was my first relationship, it should be normal and I should give it all the time.
All those times, he was in contact with that girl he slept with for years, long before we had known each other. On her birthday, he’d video call her; he’d beg her to meet her on his birthday, even though I was die-heartedly waiting for him, comforted him. That girl came to know about the marriage, and after continuing a sexual relationship with him for 3 months, she got reluctant to be in a physical relationship anymore. But constantly gave him hints that they two were made for each other. He’d praise her and belittle me in every possible way.
One day she texted him, and I got to read the word “wife”. I further tried to read messages, and visited her profile. I messaged her personally, where she shared messages (screenshots) with me of them talking, having video calling, exchanging pictures all even after one year of our marriage. Also, one day my husband reinstalled his whatsapp, and few of their chats, to his surprise, came back from backup. I read them. They had been openly talking about sex in those chats (it was 2 weeks after my marriage).
Now that things have disclosed, Allah has made him uncovered, he asks for my forgiveness. He constantly says Allah pardons His sinners too. He tries to portray himself as a good man just because now Allah has disclosed his ugly picture.
What are my reasons to forgive him? Why and how come Allah forgave someone like him and her who slept for 4 years before our marriage and continued to do so even after tying the knot with me?
What did I do wrong in all this? He used to send caring messages on whatsapp before our marriage when I was abroad studying my masters. He asked for the marriage himself, it was his family who came to my place for this relationship (arranged marriage). He got a girl who has been untouched, and he continued to be this sinner with multiple women. He treated my body just as meat as well.
I’m 8 months pregnant, and try not to cry a lot, as it could cause a premature delivery. But yes I have cried my eyes out. My whole world has come to crumble. Nothing seems legit to me anymore. I cannot share this with my 77 year old mother. I feel I cannot even cry to the full and feel forced socially to be with this man I made my husband a year ago.
His family is such an imposter. His father used to beat his mother, and his mother herself is a cheap mentality lady who talks about beer and 4 marriages all the time in front of us.
I think if I continue the relationship, because he is very sorry and wants to change, I would never be able to trust him again. I do not want a broken home for my child. Although I’m educated and have a job, I feel a child needs a father’s love too. I do not know what future has for me, all I know is, he’ll go to his grave and I will mine.
His sins are over his head. And I do not want Allah to forgive him. I do not want those girls to be forgiven. I want them to go through the pain for each time I woke up in the middle of the night all traumatized, thinking my pre-marriage chats with my husband were all fake, and soulless. Thinking he cheated on me within two weeks of our marriage. I cried to bed and woke up to cry more until I fell asleep with no tears left.
Do I have anything to hinder the forgiveness of Allah over the people who have hurt me deeply? I want him punished for all of his sins, and not be forgiven. I want his parents to be punished severely for cutting him loose every time, for they knew what he was doing before our marriage! I want them all punished but not in this world, instead in the hereafter, so the punishment is severe.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- Focus on the positive aspects of your life moving into the future rather than dwelling on the mistakes of your husband.
- Be with people who make you happy and do the things that make you feel good about yourself.
- Do not let the mistakes of your husband bring misery to your life.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
I’m sorry to read what you have been through at the hands of your husband’s illicit relationships behind you back before and after marriage. On top of that, he doesn’t seem to have been treating you well based on the things he has said to you and how he has made you feel.
As a result of all of this, it is not surprising that you are feeling angry and wish he was not forgiven for the pains he has caused you over such a long period of time.
Pain and Sadness
You have gone through so much pain and the focus has been on the things he has done wrong and it can be difficult to separate yourself from this because the impact has been on you whilst he seems to show only a small amount of remorse as well as trying to hide from his sins under the cover of the merciful nature of Allah who says He will forgive all sins.
This might seem quite wrong just considering all the pain he has put you through, so why should he be forgiven? It’s not quite as simple as that though. People can’t just go around committing sin after sin because they are confident that Allah will just forgive them anytime.
One thing people who do this forget is that to actually attain Allah’s forgiveness they must turn to Allah in sincere repentance and go out of their way to do all they can not to fall into the same sin again.
If someone is genuinely repentant for the sin then they will do all they can to rectify it and avoid falling into the same situation again, avoiding all things that may lead them to it.
Check out this counseling video:
Forgiveness
As difficult as this may sound, one way to help heal yourself is to find a way to soften your heart towards him and find it in yourself to forgive him. This by no means implies that you have to stay in this relationship that seems to be quite toxic from the outside at least. What he has done is wrong and you have every right to be angry at him due to his continued betrayal.
However, holding onto this anger towards him will only cause you further distress and lead to both psychological and physical consequences for you and perhaps even your baby. He has hurt you enough already, you do not need to give him the continued power to hurt you further.
The good news is that by you taking back control, forgiving him and moving on, the power and control is back with you again. To forgive someone who has caused so much hurt will be a huge challenge, but one that comes with so much relief to be able to let go of the pain.
Instead, forgive him like you would wish for Allah to forgive you for any mistakes you have made and then leave the rest to Allah. Have complete faith in the Mercy and Justice of Allah.
Pray for him, that Allah will set him straight. Again, not something easy to do, but will help in the process of your finding peace in your current difficulties. It will help to ease your anger and frustration when you turn the matter to Allah and leave Him to take care of the matter and relieve you from the burden.
Find comfort in remembering that He will replace this with something better, even if you have to wait until the Hereafter, but He will!
Thankful and Powerful
It may feel unjust and maybe he hasn’t sought your forgiveness and rectify his ways. But remember, for all the sins he has committed against you, you will be gaining his good deeds. Alhamdulilah, that is the mercy of Allah. The pain you have faced at his hands is not in vain.
Alhamdulilah, Allah has granted you a child out of this relationship and regardless of your relationship with your husband you have a responsibility towards your baby now. A little soul that relies on you. Focus your energy on him and allow the gratitude you have for this opportunity to be a mother to spill over into other aspects of your life spreading positivity.
Conclusion
Focus on the positive aspects of your life moving into the future rather than dwelling on the mistakes of your husband. Be with people who make you happy and do the things that make you feel good about yourself. Do not let the mistakes of your husband bring misery to your life.
May Allah Ease your worries and bring you peace at the end of this struggle. May you always find peace in His remembrance. May He grant you and your child a life full of happiness in this life and the next.
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Salam,
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