Answer
Answer:
As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,
Here is my advice based on what you shared. I have listed them as practical options for you to reflect on and I pray to Allah to guide you to the best means and outcome in sha’ Allah.
Going back to your husband without telling him of your affair: The reasons why you had an affair are truly known only to you and Allah sister. However, generally speaking, people have affairs because their needs are not being met. These needs can be physical, emotional, financial or psychological. By “needs” I am referring to healthy patterns of interaction, nurturing and providing; things we cannot live without. You alluded to this in your question that you feel neglected in many departments of personal needs. If you go back to your husband and try to work things out through counseling and using marital resources online to get your needs met, this can work, provided you both are willing to work on the marriage. You do not have to tell your husband that you had an affair, especially if (1) you have repented to Allah and feel ashamed and have committed to never doing it again and (2) it will inhibit the chances you have to work on your marriage with your husband.
Going back to your husband and admit your affair: This option includes all the work to get your needs met in option; however you will admit to your husband that you had an affair because you felt neglected and sought your needs outside the marriage wrongfully. This can work for you or against you. It may make your husband want a divorce and end things right away, or it may awaken him to the gravity of his neglect and realize he has to do something to save his marriage. If he decides to work on the marriage, you will also need affair recovery therapy in order to rebuild his trust in you. Otherwise, he is unlikely to feel committed and secure in the marriage moving forward, let alone work on things with you in a productive manner.
You insist on a divorce because you have already made up your mind: that you “want out” and want to be with the man you had an affair with. The man you had an affair with probably has the qualities you are looking for in a husband, but you need to ask yourself:
“Can my actual husband become more like him?”
“Am I leaving my husband out of guilt?”
“Am I having an affair because it is easier to find someone else than to work on what I have?”
You have the choice to move on and begin a new life with the man you had an affair with. However, you do run the risk of not having blessings in that marriage due to it beginning on an unlawful step and breaking up your current family, but this is known only to Allah. If you and your new partner try to make things right and fear Allah in your dealings, then it is possible to be successful and maybe it is what is best for you.
Ultimately, you have to be both practical and spiritual in your decisions and recall that you will meet Allah one day and be asked about your choices. Thus, you must be certain that you are doing what is best for your faith and children and not what is most pleasing to your passions. But before you make any decision, never forget to seek Allah’s help by praying the istikhara prayer.
May Allah (swt) help you!
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