As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
First of all, you need to realize that your children are your priority and not your parents. But let’s talk about your problems separately.
Your parents: Sister, I understand that we all want the best for our families, but unfortunately it is not in our hands to try to change or solve everything. You already have enough problems with your own family, and right now, you should step back from your parent’s relationship. Depression is a state to be in, especially right after having a baby, and right now what concerns me the most is your well-being. Remember you have three children and need to stay healthy in order to provide for them. It MUST be your priority.
The fact that your father lied to your mother and got secretly married should be a matter discussed between both of them. Considering the abusive relationship that your mother is in, if it is her desire to get a divorce, you should not stop her from doing it. Divorce is never desirable, but if it is necessary, it is your mother’s right to ask. But again, even though you live with them, you need to be practical and let them decide.
I recognize the stigma around a divorced woman, and it is also understandable that you are seeking your parent’s protection ever since your husband left the family, but what I am reading is that they don’t seem to be supportive right now. As a daughter, you have to respect your parents and be grateful for being able to stay with them, but if their home makes you emotionally instable, you should consider and prepare to leave their house with your kids. Fortunately, in the United States there are many social aid programs for single mothers offered by the government. You should research program availability in your state and utilize this in order to establish a safe home with your children.
Your Husband: From what I understood, he left you pregnant with your two children and you decided to give up. You also mentioned that you were physically abused. I understand your mother’s concerns and why she advised you to go back to him. Your mother has been married for 25 years; her generation is not quick to divorce, even if it has been an unhealthy relationship. Furthermore, you grew up in this environment. But it is time for you to ask yourself: Do you want the same life she had for you? Do you want your kids to grow up like you did, watching their parents fighting and being aggressive? Listen to your own words: “Nothing changed”, “he pushed me”, “he cheats and lies”, “and he does not help”.
I know that fear can stop us from taking risks, and most of the time fear is the only reason some couples stay together. Fear Allah sister, just Him. Your husband could have harmed you and your baby, and you said he did not change or repent. You are a mother of 3 young children; you need to be responsible for their well-being, too. Please, it is clear that you don’t want to stay married to this man, therefore don’t go back to him because of his threats. We all try to live according to the Sunnah, we all try to follow Islam, but many times we ignore the Quran and focus on what our family traditions and culture tells us to do. If divorce leads you to an opportunity to raise your kids in a healthy home, it is your right. Empower yourself and seek Allah’s guidance.
You don’t have to live under your father or husband’s abuse. Look for your options through your legal rights. You are in the USA, your husband has very little chance to take your kids from you, especially because he has been abusive and abandoned you. Your husband will be forced by the state to provide for the kids, if he continues to neglect you. This will give you the provision and protection any mother needs to raise children properly. If people do not fear Allah in their dealings, corruption and oppression spreads, sometimes we have to find recourse outside to live according to Islamic ideals. And Allah knows best.
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