I got married last year. After marriage I have found my husband earns nothing and he is not even interested in it.
By profession he is a lawyer.
I found out he uses chars( drug) in cigarettes. I told him not to do it and he promised me that he will not do it. But he continues doing it.
He used bad language on me. Sometimes he becomes so nice and sometimes so bad. He is so hyper. Sometimes he does weird things.
I am an engineer by profession but a housewife.
Last time when we fought he pulled my hair and I cried a lot. I am now in my father's home. I have no siblings. My mother died due to cancer last year.
I feel so alone. I don't know what to do? Should I take khula ? I am so confused. I fear getting divorced.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
The behaviors of your husband are unacceptable and he has crossed the line by being physically abusive.
Alhamdulilah that you are now safe with your father. He will be able to support you greatly moving forward whether you choose to stay or go.
You may consider counselling as a last resort to possibly making things work under the provision of your father for a time if your husband is able to make healthy changes to his life and attitude.
You might even give him a certain amount of time to try and sort himself out, come off the drugs and get a job whilst you stay with your father and then reassess things then.
Take your time under the safety of your father whilst you contemplate your options and what to do next.
Wa alaikum salaam sister,
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, I just want to begin by sending my condolences over your mother’s death. May Allah make things easy for you and your father and grant her the highest station in Jannah.
Marriage is a blessing that should serve as a protection to both partners and bring comfort.
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give though (Quran, 30:21)
Certainly marriages do face ups and downs and this is normal and what makes a marriage stronger through growth together.
Crossing the line to abuse
However, there are some circumstances where the low moments in a marriage can cross unacceptable boundaries such as in the case of abuse. Your husband crossed this line when he was physically abusive by pulling your hair and making you cry. Men are supposed to be the protectors of their wives and make them feel safe in kindness.
O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good. (Qur’an, 4:19)
Take your time
Alhamdulilah, that you have been able to seek refuge at your father’s home. This is good in that you are now in a place where you can feel safe whilst making a choice about what to do next and therefore are less likely to jump into doing something irrational that you may later regret.
Not many people in your situation have this opportunity so you can certainly use it to your advantage and take your time contemplating your options.
Rely on your relationship with your father
You do mention that despite the negatives there are also times when he is nice too. In no way does this excuse his abusive or deceptive behavior, but in the case that you feel that it was a one off and he could change. Then make sure to approach a reunion cautiously until he can prove himself.
You don’t have any siblings or a mother to turn to anymore (may Allah rest her soul peacefully), but Alhamdulilah, you do have your father. If you feel comfortable to, then it might be well worth confiding in him regarding the matter. The entire matter including his not working and smoking drugs.
As a father he will only want to protect you and would encourage you to leave him and support you in doing so if he doesn’t believe you should stay with him. If he supports you in giving it another go, then perhaps you could do it under his supervision so you often have him present, or at least in the house so you can feel safe.
Perhaps as a man your father might have been able to encourage him away from drugs and to take up work. You might even give him a certain amount of time to try and sort himself out, come off the drugs and get a job whilst you stay with your father and then reassess things then.
Seek counselling
It is always recommended in situations like this where a marriage faces breakdown, that the couple attends counselling. This provides a mutual space where both spouses can express themselves openly.
Sometimes this alone can help in encouraging them to get any unspoken matters off their chest in a safe environment. If you ultimately chose to walk away, then you can do so knowing that you have tried your best to make things work and therefore will not look back with regrets.
Check out this counseling video:
Seek additional support
Even if you decide to walk away from the relationship, your father will be a great source of support for you. Additionally, it is always a good idea to get the support of other loved ones. You may not have a mother or siblings who you could turn to, but you will have friends. Or at least sisters from the masjid that will be able to offer emotional support.
This may not be directly related to talking to them about your situation, but just to be around others socializing is a great way to boost your well being when you are probably feeling quite down.
Take your time
Take as much time as you need to make your decision. What he did was wrong and his behaviour generally is concerning and you should not settle with abuse or return if you feel you are in any danger. If you choose to walk away, you have strong grounds to give his abuse and irresponsible nature.
Summary
The behaviours of your husband are unacceptable and he has crossed the line by being physically abusive. Alhamdulilah that you are now safe with your father. He will be able to support you greatly moving forward whether you choose to stay or go.
You may consider counselling as a last resort to possibly making things work under the provision of your father for a time if your husband is able to make healthy changes to his life and attitude. Take your time under the safety of your father whilst you contemplate your options and what to do next.
May Allah make things easy for you and reward your patience and struggle. May He guide you to make the decision that is best for you and may He grant you and your father happiness in this life and the next.
Salam,
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