In this counseling answer:
“Sister, from all that you have said, it appears your husband is an angry, controlling man who really does not like women. The fact that you initially stated he wanted to marry you so you could help with his business is a big red flag. I don’t know what it is that was good that inspired you to marry him, but nonetheless, you did marry him. You have a few choices. The first one is to remain married to him on the condition that he provides a marriage that is based on Islamic principles. You would have to get this in writing and put it in the form of a contract. This may be difficult to do at this point, but the first goal is to save marriages.”
As salamu alaykum,
Thank you for writing to us. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through with your marriage. As I understand from what you have written, he basically married you because he needed help with his business. He also is upset with you when he helps with chores, stating it is a women’s duty.
Additionally, he doesn’t trust you, he lied to you, kept things secret, checks your cell phone, bank accounts, tries to keep you away from your brothers and mom and he says condemning things about women. He does not support you and is mean and verbally abusive towards you as well as trying to keep you isolated and under his watch.
Sister, from all that you have said, it appears your husband is an angry, controlling man who really does not like women. The fact that you initially stated he wanted to marry you so you could help with his business is a big red flag.
I don’t know what it is that was good that inspired you to marry him, but nonetheless, you did marry him. You have a few choices. The first one is to remain married to him on the condition that he provides a marriage that is based on Islamic principles. You would have to get this in writing and put it in the form of a contract. This may be difficult to do at this point, but the first goal is to save marriages.
I would highlight a few points insha’Allah such as it is his responsibility to support you and provide for your needs. Also, marriage is a union that Allah created to instill love, kindness, mercy, and respect among two people. It seems your husband is severely lacking in these qualities and at this point, I am not sure if he can change or would even be willing to try. Allah knows best.
There are many things backed up by the Sunnah and Qur’an that you could bring to him as proofs as to his poor treatment of you. One being how the Prophet treated his wives. The Prophet (PBUH) use to help clean, do chores and mend his own socks! It is a blessing and in no way are you required to do the household chores, in fact, if you wanted, you could ask him to hire someone to do that. However, wives usually are happy to keep house, and usually, husband’s do not mind helping.
It is a partnership, one that should be joyous. Another point is his demeaning attitude towards women. Does he not know that paradise lies beneath the feet of the mother and does he not know that in Islam women are help up in the highest of esteem? Sister, it appears that he either does not know Islamic values and principles, especially regarding marriage or he does and is choosing to live a selfish, angry, controlling life.
Therefore, you can propose a contract to hold him accountable to Islamic standards and principles to try to save the marriage, however, I am not sure he would take it seriously or regard it in a kind way as he does not respect women, and you are a woman-his wife whom he thinks he owns. Should you chose this path sister, I would insha’Allah engage the help of a trusted imam to help you draft your rights in the contract. If he agree sister, I would highly;y suggests that you both seek marriage counseling as well.
Your second option is a separation. While it does not appear that he will let you leave as he thinks he owns you and appears to be watching your every move, you may again, need to reach out to a trusted imam for assistance as well as your family. Given his controlling and verbally abusive history with you (and probably his other wife), I would proceed with caution so he does not lash out at you. Insha’Allah, if you chose to separate, possibly go to your family’s home or rent an apartment and take some time to heal from all of the trauma you have been going through.
I would kindly suggest sister that you get counseling to help you along the way. If you separate, you would still need some form of an agreement (contract) and marriage counseling to ensure insha’Allah that when and if you do get back together, things will be different.
The third option, of course, is divorce. With all that you have gone through and given the fact that he gone against Islamic rulings and principles for a loving, safe and merciful marriage, you have every right to divorce. Please do think about your options carefully dear sister. You know him best. You know if he would be willing to change and treat you with loving kindness and mercy, protect you and treat you with dignity.
If he will not comply with trying to save the marriage or if you think he will not, I would kindly suggest that you consult a trusted imam regarding divorce. I would caution you on how you leave if you decide to, as based on his actions with you know, it could be dangerous. Please do plan well in advance and set up a safety plan.
You are a beautiful, young pious sister. May Allah swt grant you ease in this situation. You do not deserve to be treated like this sister. You deserve a husband who will cherish you, love you, take care of you and show you mercy and kindness.
Most of all you need a husband who loves and fears Allah. Insha’Allah you will have that one day soon-either with him or without him. There are many good brothers who would feel blessed to have a loving, good wife such as you. Please do decide soon sister, there is no reason to drag out an abusive, unhappy situation. You deserve to be happy.
You are in our prayers, please let us know how you are doing.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.