I was in an arranged marriage. He only married me for the sponsorship paper. During the marriage, his family and he abused me a lot.
They said I was ugly, fat, old and now being used by my husband. Now he is going to divorce me for someone else.
I have never been in a relationship or even done anything with any man. However, my husband has been in a physical relationship with many women before marriage, during the marriage, how am I the dirty impure one?
I was told once he divorces me I might as well kill myself because no one will want me. Who wants someone else's thrown away trash? That's what I was told.
I have been constantly told by them I am not good enough, and it was my good luck he married me. I have a good education. He is the one who didn't even graduate from high school. He is a drug addict and alcoholic.
I don't understand how did I end up with someone like this? My parents did his background check thoroughly, but my husband and in laws are frauds and liars and they lied about everything.
What is my fault in this? I did what my parents said and with their approval.
I can't function properly. I can't do anything. I have been living with my parents for the last few months. He started the process of divorce.
I am the one that society will blame. I am the one people will say wasn't good enough to maintain my marriage.
He did all these things to me, but he doesn't get any punishment. I am the one that's suffering.
Why are these happening? How are any of these fair or just?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
If he has initiated the process of divorce, take it as a positive sign that you will not have to endure this abuse for the rest of your life, InshaAllah.
Remember, when believers go through a period of hardship and persevere in faith, Allah SWT rewards them manifold. Not only in this world but also in the Hereafter.
Learn to experience life for yourself. Take out time to try and do things that you want to do.
Try to work on your hobbies.
You can also try to look for a job.
You have not developed a healthy sense of self-image. This is the reason you believe in all the negative things people around you tell you about yourself. So, boost your self-confidence.
Start regular therapy.
Assalamu Alaikum sister,
I am sorry to hear about your situation.
First of all, sister, know that you are not at fault, or to blame in any of this situation. You have gone through a lot of heartache and abuse at the hand of your husband.
If he has initiated the process of divorce, take it as a positive sign that you will not have to endure this abuse for the rest of your life, InshaAllah.
Unfortunately, society often has unreasonable expectations from women who are supposed to live in abusive marriages all their lives.
The sooner you get out of an abusive marriage, or a relationship where you do not matter to the other person, the better it is for you and your future.
As for your concern regarding who will accept you as a divorcée in the future. Allah SWT always has a plan or a way for His people. Take this divorce as a step towards finding yourself and finding your independence.
Allah SWT Loves His Believers
Allah SWT knows all that you do and also how other people treat you. When you are not at fault, you have nothing to worry about.
Allah SWT will make a way out for you. Indeed, when one door closes, Allah SWT opens multiple other doors for His Believers.
According to a Hadith, narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
“Allah has one hundred parts of mercy, of which He sent down one between the jinn, mankind, the animals and the insects. By means of which they are compassionate and merciful to one another, and by means of which wild animals are kind to their offspring.
And Allah has kept back ninety-nine parts of mercy with which to be merciful to His slaves of the Day of Resurrection.” (Muslim, al-Tawbah, 6908)
Life Is A Test
Sister, this life on earth is a test by Allah SWT. Allah tests His believers in different ways. Sometimes He tests them with health, sometimes with financial issues. Sometimes with concern about children and sometimes with our relationships.
According to the Quran,
’[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed – and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving –’ [67:2]
Therefore, while we often feel that life is not being fair to us, or other people are better off, in truth, each and every one of us deal with our own battles. The only difference is that each of us has a different type of test.
When believers go through a period of hardship and persevere in faith, Allah SWT rewards them manifold. Not only in this world but also in the Hereafter.
Work on Your Personal Self-care
Sister, I feel that you have constantly neglected yourself in your marriage. Even now you are concerned about what other people will think or say rather than thinking about yourself.
You need to realize that you are whole and complete within yourself. Even as a divorcée. You do not need another person to complete you or your life.
Learn to experience life for yourself. Take out time to try and do things which you want to do or which you wished to do before you got married.
Try to work on your hobbies. Writing, painting, jogging or doing yoga, or doing some other activities that lift your mood.
You can also try to look for a job. It will keep you busy, lift your mood, and lift your sense of self-esteem.
Make goals for yourself
Millions of women are going through a divorce. These divorcées are able to get partners who value and cherish them for who they are.
It seems as though you have constantly received negative messages about yourself. As a result, you are struggling with a very poor sense of self-image.
Check out this counseling video:
You have not developed a healthy sense of self-image. This is the reason you believe in all the negative things people around you tell you about yourself.
To boost your self-confidence, make small daily or weekly goals for yourself, which includes something you enjoy doing. As you accomplish your goals, you’ll start to develop healthy self-esteem.
However, also understand that your self-worth is not dependent on accomplishments. You are beautiful and worthy of love just as you are!
Establish Healthy Boundaries
Sister, learn to establish healthy boundaries with people. You do not need to comply with other people’s wishes only because they want you to. Stand up for yourself and your values.
As an individual, you have as much a right to happiness, pleasure, and love as any other being that walks on this world. Do not give anyone permission to take that right from you.
When people criticize you for who you are, do not let their snide comments define who you are. You are worth a lot more than how these people treat you.
Go To a Professional Counselor or Therapist
I understand that you are in a difficult position as a divorcée. You are going through a lot of emotional turmoil and stress.
I would suggest that you start regular therapy to help you get through this difficult period of life. Having professional support by your side will provide you comfort, strength, and skills to develop effective coping skills to deal with your situation.
Ask Allah For Help And Guidance
Last but not least, Allah SWT is the All-Seer and All-Hearer. He likes His believers to as from Him. In the Quran, Allah SWT says,
O ye who believe! Call in remembrance the favor of Allah unto you when certain men formed the design to stretch out their hands against you, but ((Allah)) held back their hands from you: so fear Allah. And on Allah let believers put (all) their trust. [5:11]
May Allah SWT make life easy for you, and may you prosper in Duniya as well as Akhirah.
Amen,
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