Divorced My Abusive Husband: Help Me Overcome Trauma

19 January, 2021
Q Salam. I am from India. I had been a government employee but resigned from my job because my husband did not want me to work. We got married and on the very first night he had sex with me. As I was a virgin, I was scared of it. He didn’t seek my permission and had sex with me very wildly twice. I bled a lot and had a lot of pain; I even fainted for a while. I suffered from fever on our wedding day. Later he apologized for his wild behavior and promised me never to do it again. I forgave him and didn’t tell my parents about it. But it did not stop there; it took more than one hour for him to ejaculate; he was abnormal and psycho. I came to know that he also took drugs. He started torturing me in other ways, too. He wanted me to do haram things in sex, which I did not permit it to him, so he tortured me badly. I could not bear him, therefore I sought divorce. Now I feel depressed and lonely. I think no one will marry me; negative thoughts come to my mind all the time. My relatives think that I am a bad girl because I asked for divorce. Alhumdulillah I got back my job and the people in the office support me a lot as well as my close family. I am just always thinking, if I am a practicing Muslimah, then why Allah gave me such a bad husband? I am hopeless. Please help me overcome the trauma. Jazakumullah khayran.

Answer


In this counseling answer: 

“Feeling lonely is natural after ending a marriage. However, the feelings of sadness and loneliness will lessen in frequency and intensity, in sha’ Allah. Sometimes, marriages are harmful and abusive, like in your case, and it is better for one’s well being to end the marriage. Take it day by day sister and use your prior experience as a treasury of wisdom for your future choices.”


As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,

Firstly, Allah, Most High, did not give you a bad husband. You chose to marry him, and he chose to be a bad husband and acted accordingly. From my understanding, in Indian culture, people get married very quickly and do not take the time to get to know the person well enough. Usually, they rush into marriages with strangers, and sometimes, like in your case, shocking things are learned. Thus, you need to reflect on your process of marriage and ask yourself: did you take your time and have quality (Islamic) courting process?

I am happy to hear that you had the courage and strength to divorce him as he sounded uncaring and unstable. My understanding of Islam is that even between husband and wife in sexual relations there has to be mutual consent and care while fulfilling one’s needs. It sounds like he did not care about you and did not treat you with compassion. The fact that he was using drugs is not a good sign as this indicates he would not always have proper judgment.

It is great news that you got your job back and are receiving support from your coworkers and family. As for the relatives who say you are a bad girl for getting a divorce, they do not know what you went through! People have no right to judge you in the first place, and if they do know that you were abused and tortured and still think it is bad that you got divorced, then those individuals are ignorant and their opinion has no value. Living in oppression and abuse is not more pious than getting a divorce; this is a ridiculous premise and has no basis in Islamic principles.

As far as feeling lonely, this is natural after ending a marriage. However, the feelings of sadness and loneliness will lessen in frequency and intensity, in sha’ Allah. Hope is the fuel of the soul. It is up to you to have hope for Allah (swt) to protect you and guide you towards a better man in the future. You must also do your part and believe you are worthy of being married again and treated well.

I understand in India it is different, but a divorced person should not be seen as a bad person – it just means the previous relationship was not good. Sometimes, marriages are harmful and abusive, like in your case, and it is better for one’s well being to end the marriage. Take it day by day sister and use your prior experience as a treasury of wisdom for your future choices.

May Allah (swt) help you,

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About Karim Serageldin
Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting