Answer
In this counseling answer:
•You should know that the magic word in teaching a child anything is ‘step-by-step’ yes It will take effort and energy on your part and yes, you will have to clean up accidents. We all learn from our mistakes and your child will not be any different.
•Potty training is sometimes difficult with kids because the child is used to making urine and bowel motions is in a closed place (diaper) so you are trying now to teach him quite the opposite (in open space).
•Patience, understanding and a lot of positive reinforcement can deal with most difficulties and most stubborn kids when potty training.
As-salamu`alaykum dear sister,
May Allah bless you and your son, and Al-hamdu lillah that He Gifted you with your sweet little son who is probably driving you crazy, but this is why children are one of the major causes and means of entering paradise.
As our Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, ” Paradise is at the feet of the mother.” And as effort is required to enter paradise, it is very important for society as a whole that effort is applied in raising them physically, emotionally, and religiously/ethically.
Before answering your question, I’d like you to be calm and not worry. just look around you; everybody can go to the toilet without any problem even the children at school, what I mean to say is, it is a natural process which with patience it will pass, and your child will be no different than others.
You said that he already uses the potty sometimes, but you didn’t mention for how long and how often have you been trying? So due to lack of information, I’ll start from the beginning.
There are different opinions about the best age to start potty training, mothers in the Arab world used to train their children very early, even before their first birthday, and recently there are some voices in the West calling for the same thing which is better, especially for boys so as to reduce the heat around the pelvis.
However, others see that after the age of two is a better time to start so that the child can comprehend the instructions you are giving.
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To cut a long story short, it depends on the mother’s availability and the readiness of the child in his physiological development (bladder and bowel control), motor skills, his cognitive and verbal development and emotional & social awareness, which is not an issue here since you have already started.
First, you should know that the magic word in teaching a child anything is ‘step-by-step’ yes It will take effort and energy on your part and yes, you will have to clean up accidents. We all learn from our mistakes and your child will not be any different.
Second, potty training is sometimes difficult with kids, because the child is used to making urine and bowl motions is in a closed place (diaper) so you are trying now to teach him quite the opposite (in open space).
The Steps:
1-Preparing the Child.
This preparation varies between several hours to several days depending on how ready you and your child are and how much time you set aside.
* Take some time to look at children’s books about using the toilet. Reading them to your child will help him understand about getting started. Have a potty chair near your child’s play area, where he can sit on it by himself. It’s okay if he sits on it with his diaper on at first. During the day, encourage him to “play potty”
with a teddy bear or doll (“Teddy go potty. Teddy’s a big boy.”), let the bear sit on the potty and praise it in front of your boy, you can even kiss it for doing it in the potty.
*Try to know the average frequency of urination and defecation, by regular checks every 30-45 min, then write it down for 2 -3 days, this will help you to figure out approximately how often the child needs to go.
*For a few days, not much will happen. Try asking your child to sit on the potty or a toilet with a smaller cover, three or four times a day. Just two or three minutes is long enough.
Then increase the frequency gradually until it matches with the already known frequency of him while keeping in mind the average time of bowel movement and include it within these times, usually right after a nap or an hour after a drink or meal
*Get a pull-up diaper easy for your son to pull up and down. Gradually increase the time without diapers.
*While taking him to the potty or toilet give him a cue that it is time to use the potty, in a fun way so that your son will look forward to this “activity”.
*Make it a fun-time by putting some of his favorite toys/play-things there which he can only have access to while he is there, stay beside him and talk about interesting things like swimming with his friends or playing in the yard.
*Urge him to relieve himself while sitting, by letting him to play with water toys in a bowl of lukewarm water if the child needs to physically go, he nearly instantly will relieve himself, and when he does, make a big deal out of it. Praise your son verbally with hugs and kisses and give him a reward of some kind.
*Clean him up by wiping from front to back after using the potty. His arms still can’t reach there. Be sure to teach your child to wash hands with soap and water. Learning how to be hygienic and fulfill the Sunnah, can become a natural part of the process.
*Don’t force him to relieve himself every time he sits, neither verbally nor by keeping him in custody until he gives up, 3-5 min are enough for each time. Remember it is a natural, not a mechanical process.
Remember we are only training him and we are now ready to move to the next step:
*Allocate two days and choose an appropriate time where there are no major changes in your family schedule. Take off the diapers completely ( and the teddy bear’s too) use a “big kids pants” and get him to the bathroom every 45 min (on average).
*Increase the verbal communication with him “today no more diapers, you are a man now…” Encourage your child to practice pulling his pants down and sitting on the potty. When your child urinates in the potty, you will celebrate your child’s success in a more exciting and rewarding way than before.
After these two successful days in sha`allah you will need to follow up for one or two weeks (some children do not need any follow up), and when he has an accident, encourage him to clean up and change himself.
Children usually try their parents, so set the rules and never go back, this will confuse your child, be kind, but firm.
When should You See a Doctor?
Patience, understanding and a lot of positive reinforcement can deal with most difficulties and most stubborn kids when potty training. However, if your child is over the age of three – three and half and has been trying to use the potty for more than six months without much success, you should arrange to see your doctor, with your child, to rule out any medical causes which are usually easy to deal with.
To be a good pious mother, you should connect any ordinary action of life to deen (Islamic religion/way of life). So here are some Islamic practices (etiquette) you could teach him along with the potty training:
*Before entering the toilet say the du`aa’ loudly so that it becomes a habit for him. “Allahuma ini a`uzu bika min al khubth wa al-khaba-ith” (Oh Allah I seek refuge in You from male and female devils)(Muslim)
*When entering the toilette put your left foot forward first.
*Teach him to attain privacy and cover his private parts from others this will teach him haya` .Try not to face the qibla (direction of prayer) or to keep qiblatowards the back whilst using the toilet(as much possible)
*Say the du`aa’ after leaving the toilet and step out with your right foot and say “Ghufranak” (I seek Your forgiveness) ( ibn Majah)
Don’t forget to support yourself and your son with du`aa relying on Allah (SWT) for all of our needs.
Salaam
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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