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Father Does Not Want to Work!

12 August, 2020
Q Salaams dear counselor,

Please I need your help, I have a problem with my husband, he doesn't want to work anymore.

He loves to stay at home. However, we have so many needs. How do I deal with this frustration?

He gets very defensive if I say anything. I am a stay at home homeschool mum.

Answer

In this counseling answer:

•If your husband refuses to go for help, then you need to make a decision on what you desire regarding this marriage and explore your options.

•If you have a family you can stay with, then perhaps a separation will make him realize the seriousness of his lack of working and providing for his family.


As-salamu alaykum sister,

I am sorry to hear of your hardships due to your husband not working. As you know, in the Qur’an it states

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 “Men shall take full care of women with the bounties which Allah has bestowed more abundantly on the former than on the latter, and with what they may spend out of their possessions….”.[Qur’an 4:34].

It is the husband’s duty and obligation to support his wife and children. Sister, was he working when you met him and did he ever work during your marriage?

If so, can you pinpoint an event in which may have caused him to stop? You may want to explore the possible reasons he may not want to work, although these are not excuses but a place to start.

Has he appeared depressed? Is he medically healthy? Did he ever look for work and possibly become discouraged? By finding the root cause to his not working you may insha’Allah find a solution.

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If he use to work and then just stopped, that may be indicative of something wrong. If he never really worked and is truly lazy, then that is another issue.

I would kindly advice sister that you and your husband seek out the advices of a trusted imam. Perhaps if he was encouraged to discuss this issue with a man, a spiritual teacher, your husband would begin to open up concerning whatever it is that is holding him back from working. Another avenue to take is to get marital counseling with a marriage therapist.

Often times couples are able to root out the causes of problems through therapy. In the meantime, I would kindly suggest sister, that you do not argue in front of the children insha’Allah.

While I can imagine this to be a most frustrating and scary situation, there is no need for the children to be involved or hear of the financial danger the family is in.

Father Does Not Want to Work! - About Islam

If your husband refuses to go for help, then you need to make a decision on what you desire regarding this marriage and explore your options.

If you have a family you can stay with, then perhaps a separation will make him realize the seriousness of his lack of working and providing for his family.


Check out this counseling video


While I do not know how you and your family are surviving now with no money, one thing is certain, you do not need the responsibility of taking care of a grown man. You have 4 children to care for, he needs to step up -or step out if needed.

While Allah hates divorce, He also commands a man to take care of his wife and children. Please think about your options and present them to him when things are calm.

Insha’Allah he will “wake up” and heed your suggestions for intervention. We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.

***

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.