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How to Deal with My Step-Son?

Questioner

H (28_female_US)

Reply Date

Feb 10, 2019

Question

As-salamu `Alaikum, I am married and a mother of 3 wonderful kids. Before asking you my question, I must tell you a little about myself. When I was in my early 20s, I got married to someone my parents chose for me, who used to beat me every day. When I was pregnant, I went to my parent's house with my son, as my husband said that this child I was pregnant with was not his. During my entire pregnancy, he never came to see me. Once the child was born, he came to see him and said that he didn't want to do anything for him.

When my son was 7 months old he divorced me. I got married again two years later to my current husband, who is a wonderful man. He is divorced too and has a son from his previous marriage. At the time of our marriage to each other his son was 3 1/2 and my son was 2 years old. My husband is a great guy. He treats my son like his own (my son doesn't know who his real father is and same goes for his son who doesn't remember his real mother, and he calls me mother) Everything is great ma sha Allah in my life.

My stepson has ADHD (Attention Deficit, Hyperactivity Disorder) - I have to be very patient with him. My question is what is my rights as a stepmother? I mean I don't know how to behave with him. Allah will punish me if, I hit him because he is not my real son. I'm very confused as to what my behavior should be.

My mother told me not to say anything to him as he is not my real son. I should control myself even if he behaves badly. I want to discipline all my kids, but I don't know how to do it with him as he is not my real son. I can't punish him because I'm scared that Allah will punish me. help me please as I'm very disturbed. My stepson is now almost 7.

Counselor

Answer


How to Deal with My Step-Son? - About Islam

 In this counseling answer:

•Islamically there should be no difference between our own children and those that are put in our trust, whether they’re our step children, adopted or foster children put into our care. You always have to remember that you have to answer to Allah for the way you care for them.

•Raising kids is a challenge altogether, even with our own kids we have to always remember to do it for Allah, may Allah guide us all, and protect our kids.


Answer by Fatin Khairallah

As-salamu `alaykum,

May Allah bless you and guide you in raising members of our future generations of Muslims to the straight path.

The answer to your question is within you, it’s up to us how we look on it. Islamically there should be no difference between our own children and those that are put in our trust, whether they’re our step children, adopted or foster children put into our care. You always have to remember that you have to answer to Allah for the way you care for them.

Our best examples are from our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). We know how kind he was to Zaid, which led to everyone referring to Zaid as the son of Muhammad (PBUH). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) also helped raise `Ali his cousin who helped his uncle.

Even our own children, are a trust, and we have to handle them with care. And you will always have peace and tranquility in your heart when you dedicate everything you do, and your intentions for the sake of Allah. That will make everything easy to deal with knowing that you’re dealing with Allah.

Raising kids is a challenge altogether, even with our own kids we have to always remember to do it for Allah, may Allah guide us all, and protect our kids.

How to Deal with My Step-Son? - About Islam

Answer by Hwaa Irfan

In reference to ADHD specifically, if your stepson is on prescription drugs, it is wise to have him checked regularly to ensure that he is not allergic to or is suffering from any side effects (e.g. restlessness, anxiety, mood swings, headaches (dizziness), reduced appetite, insomnia, growth problems) of the medication. Even some doctors recommend an occasional break from taking ADHD specific medication because it allows one to see if the child is still in need of it.

Foods to be wary of include: Sugar, Cow’s milk, Wheat, Chocolate, Soy, Citrus fruit, Corn, Peanuts

What you can do:

  1. Read the ingredient labels on all food products you buy
  2. Buy organic fruits, vegetables and meats. ?
  3. Add more wholefoods to the diet (whole grains, legumes, vegetables, fish)
  4. Replace all processed sugars with natural sugars e.g. fruits, fruit juices, honey, and blackstrap molasses.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. If you feel you are going to harm yourself, or harm someone else, please seek immediate help by calling your country’s international hotline! In no event shall About Islam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.

Read more:

Being a Mother to a Step-Son

Getting to Know My ADHD Step-son

As a Step Mom, I’m Being Abused

 




About Hwaa Irfan

Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.

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