My husband is an imam in South Africa. Only from last month he has started sending 100 dollars to support us. I have gone through an entire high-risk pregnancy to give birth to two beautiful babies Alhumdulilah. It was truly hard when they were babies and now that they are 28 months old and they are unbearable. The twins have destroyed most things in my small apartment.
My son has epilepsy so he has to be monitored closely. I am so angry all the time and I totally lose temper. I feel that I am a tool of shaytan. I go to bed crying and repenting for the way that I feel towards my children. I hate myself. I am afraid to seek help for fear of losing my children. I suffer from anxiety that I am going to start medication but hadn't done so because I was breastfeeding. Please advise me what to do. I am afraid of myself. Jazakallah
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Having so many things to worry about can often lead to feeling like you are having and unfortunately, we do tend to take these feelings out on those close to us such as our children.
What you need to remember is that your anger towards them is only going to result in their own behavior becoming even more unruly and that is why you do need to try and manage your anger more effectively.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
Raising children is hard work, raising 2 at the same time is even harder, especially when one has a health condition that requires close monitoring, but masha Allah, the very fact that you recognize that you have a problem and are reaching out for help is a good sign.
Losing Temper
Firstly, understand that you are juggling many responsibilities at once, 2 small children, one of whom has a medical condition as well as going to school and you are doing most on this on your own with your husband being away and your mother helping out occasionally.
Manage your anger
Having so many things to worry about can often lead to feelings like you are having and unfortunately, we do tend to take these feelings out on those close to us such as our children.
What you need to remember is that your anger towards them is only going to result in their own behavior becoming even more unruly and that is why you do need to try and manage your anger more effectively.
This will help you to build better relations with them and result in more positive behavior. Do ask yourself if they are really unbearable, or are they just behaving like normal, curious, playful 2-year-old? Most likely the latter.
You, therefore, need to realize that their boisterous behavior is likely much like that of any other 2-year-old and is nothing unusual, and neither are they more naughty than any other kids their age.
I think you realize this because you state your regret for getting angry at them and have asked Allah to forgive you.
Therefore, it might be said that the first step in managing their behavior is to work on yourself first.
You have a lot of responsibilities and you need to take care of yourself so that you don’t get so angry. Make sure you set aside time for yourself each day to just relax. This will put you in a better mindset to deal with their noise. A good time to do this is after Fajr when the kids will most likely still be sleeping and the house will be quiet.
Take some time to read a few pages from the Qur’an to connect with Allah and start the day with a connection to Him that will put you in the mind of remembering Him and acting to please Him through the day. As you go through your day remember Allah in all that you do.
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This will ensure to keep Shaytaan away and protect you from acting out angrily. Then, in the evening, when the kids are in bed, take some time just to relax and unwind.
You might use this time to make plans for the following day as well as making a note, mentally or on paper of 3 positive things that happened in your day and thanking Allah for that.
With school as well, this will require you to be effective at managing your time, which in itself can be a useful tool for managing stress. Plan your day so that you know what you have to get done and when.
This will also help you to feel accomplished and happy as you tick things off your daily agenda, knowing that you are steadily working towards your goals.
When you are with your children, turn it into a positive experience. Leave your thoughts on school behind and focus on them, play with them and build bonds with them.
You might think of going for walks or to the park at the weekend so you can take time out together and enjoy each other’s company in a fun way.
You might also sign up for some activities that might be going on in your community, like parent-toddler groups, that will allow you to meet with other moms and allow your children to play with other kids their age. This social activity will not only be good for your wellbeing, but the children will enjoy it too.
May Allah make it easy for you and make your children righteous children that will be the coolness of your eyes.
And Allah knows best.
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