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I’m Afraid of Marriage and Pregnancy Pains, Can I Adopt A Child?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 20, 2019

Question

As-salamu alaikum, I'm 22 years old. My parents are looking for a guy for me. I don't know, most of the times I feel that I want to be single. I don't want to be married. I feel so scared when marriage proposals come up and I'm fed up with these proposals (most of them are rejected because of my Wheaties brown complexion and slim physique). I have heard how my colleagues are suffering from in laws and husbands. And also I'm afraid of pregnancy pains.

Only in a few times I think about partner. I always pray to Allah extend my marriage. Is praying like that is good for me? My parents are very tensed because of delay and problems in marriage. And recently I'm thinking that if I'm not married before 25 I would like to adopt children and to fly abroad. I really need an answer. Jazakallah.

Counselor

Answer


adopt a child

In this counseling answer:

•I would urge you to try and think beyond the experiences of your colleagues and remember that there are many positives in marriage also.

•The best way to remember the positives in marriage is to go back to the Qur’an and Sunnah and remember. Allah describes marriage as the most beautiful thing in that spouses can bring more comfort to one another than anyone else can. A spouse is someone to rely on, someone who can support you in times of difficulty.

•If it is possible to adopt a child that is in line with Islamic principles then it could be an option, or there are other options, for example sponsoring an orphan, without legally adopting them


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Certainly, the prospect of marriage and having children is exciting for many, but there are also many that feel like you do and fear the thought of it. This feeling is made especially strong in your case by the fact you have heard of many a negative experience from colleagues.

First of all, you cannot judge what your own experience of marriage will be like based on this handful of people, because there also many others who live happily married lives too and have good relations with extended family. That said, all marriages do come with some form of test along the way, but these are tests that can also strengthen a marriage if managed in the best way.

I'm Afraid of Marriage and Pregnancy Pains, Can I Adopt A Child? - About Islam

So, I would urge you to try and think beyond the experiences of your colleagues and remember that there are many positives in marriage also. Only paying head to those who have had bad experiences will inevitably leave you feeling as you are – like you don’t want to pursue marriage, because who wants to enter an institution that they feel will end up in much unhappiness?


Check out this counseling video


 

The best way to remember the positives in marriage is to go back to the Qur’an and Sunnah and remember. Allah describes marriage as the most beautiful thing in that spouses can bring more comfort to one another than anyone else can. A spouse is someone to rely on, someone who can support you in times of difficulty.

Additionally, we also know that marriage is prescribed from a young age as a protection from falling into sin also. A chance to have all your needs met in the halal way; the way that is pleasing to Allah. Many times, people who don’t pursue marriage fall into zina to have these needs met and therefore will have to face the consequence of sinning whether it be in this life or the next or both. If it is that you o chose to wait longer until you marry then you must ensure to do all you can to not fall into such traps by never being alone with another man and avoid areas where free mixing takes place.

The fact that your parents are seeking to find you a spouse now is a sign of their love for you. Having been young once they are aware of the dangers of remaining unmarried and want to protect you from this. Their actions should reassure you that they really care for your well being and want what’s best for you for the sake of Allah.

Maybe there is a chance you are not fancying marriage because you have faced a few rejections, and maybe this is not making you feel confident about yourself and your prospects as a wife, but you can rest assured that when the right man comes you way, Allah will make it happen. That man will be one who is not judging you by your skin colour.

Those rejections you have had are good ones and a sign of Allah’s Mercy, because if they were truly judging you and rejecting you because of your skin tone, then they were not going to make good spouses anyway so Allah has saved you from some potentially difficult marriages.

If, instead, you should chose to not marry and move away and adopt children as you suggest, you will need to consider the Islamic perspective on adoption to be sure you are doing in the way that Allah will be most pleased with.
Depending on the country in which you live will determine the legal guidelines of adoption. In many Western countries, legally if you adopt a child then they would be classed as your actual child, taking on your name, for example, in which case, Islamically they would not be permitted to marry and biological children you may bare in future. Islamically, this would be placing an unnecessary burden on these children and forbidding something between them that should otherwise be halal if any of the children were not adopted. We see an example of  this in Islamic history.
“And [remember, O Muhammad], when you said to the one on whom Allah bestowed favor and you bestowed favor, “Keep your wife and fear Allah ,” while you concealed within yourself that which Allah is to disclose. And you feared the people, while Allah has more right that you fear Him. So when Zayd had no longer any need for her, We married her to you in order that there not be upon the believers any discomfort concerning the wives of their adopted sons when they no longer have need of them. And ever is the command of Allah accomplished” (Qur’an, 33:37)
However, this does not stop you from finding alternative ways to raise children in your household. If it is possible to adopt a child that is in line with Islamic principles then it could be an option, or there are other options, for example sponsoring an orphan, without legally adopting them (if you are in a country that places guidelines not in line with Islam on the adoption).

May Allah help you to find comfort in the thought of marriage for His sake and may He bring a righteous spouse your way who will bring you happiness and contentment in this life and the next.


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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