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My 10-Year Old Son Is Spying on Us, What to Do?

Questioner

L

Reply Date

Aug 17, 2019

Question

I’m a mother of two, a boy and a girl. I noticed that my 10-year old boy is spying on us. I caught him looking through the door into our room. When we go to bed, I see his shadow behind the door trying to spy what’s going on inside. Is that normal and what can I do to make him stop spying on people?

Counselor

Answer


My 10-Year Old Son Is Spying on Us, What to Do? - About Islam

In this counseling answer:

•Not shaming him, but do make clear that this kind of behavior is not good manners. You may want to discuss privacy with him as it pertains to parents as well as other family members.

•Tell him that as it is rude and an invasion of privacy he will be reprimanded if he continues doing it. I would kindly suggest that you take away something he enjoys for every violation.


As salamu alaykum sister,

Your 10 year old appears to be very curious as to what is going on behind closed doors. Perhaps he has heard noises coming from your room or is just curious about what goes on in there if especially if your room is off-limits.

While you did not state if he is spying on other family members, I would kindly suggest that you or your husband sit down with him and ask him what is he looking for when he looks through the door. Ask him if he needs something and if so, why doesn’t he just knock at the door.

My 10-Year Old Son Is Spying on Us, What to Do? - About Islam

I would kindly suggest not shaming him, but do make clear that this kind of behavior is not good manners. You may want to discuss privacy with him as it pertains to parents as well as other family members. You may want to purchase some children’s books on Manners, Privacy, and other behaviorally related stories. As your son is 10, he may have been exposed to sexual talk and questions among his peers.

Thus his curiosity may also be fueled by his curiosity regarding this and what really “goes on behind closed doors”.


Check out this counseling video


You may want to talk with him about pre-puberty issues such as emotions, bodily changes and things he may or may not have heard in school or among his friends. While his spying may be just a rude little bad habit, it may also signify a budding interest in what goes on in the bedroom of a married couple.

In any event, insha’Allah you can curb this behavior by getting to the root of the problem, and then addressing any concerns. I would also tell him that as it is rude and an invasion of privacy he will be reprimanded if he continues doing it.

I would kindly suggest that you take away something he enjoys for every violation. Lastly, until you are secure in the fact the behavior has stopped, you may want to secure your bedroom door with a lock and the keyhole with tape to prevent prying eyes from seeking.

Insha’Allah, this behavior will cease once it is addressed and you and your family will find peace and security in your bedrooms very soon insha’Allah!

Salam

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About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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