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No Male to Talk to Son about Puberty!

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Apr 03, 2019

Question

Salam. I’m a mother of 2 sons and 2 daughters. My eldest son just turned 14 two days back. Unfortunately, my husband who was a pious Muslim passed away in 2017. I’m here alone with my kids. I had in mind that since my son is approaching puberty, I really wanted some male to discuss with him about it.

But none agreed as they said it's a normal process and he is too young now to discuss anything. Just 10 minutes before as I took his tablet from him. I checked his history like I check-in routine at anytime every 6-7 days. I was extremely shocked and depressed now to see that my son who prays regularly in mosque had been watching porn for the last 10-15 days. I got too much stuck in my thesis so was unable to check it. He doesn’t have a father now. Nor do I know any male here who can talk to him.

How should I approach this matter? I’m already a broken-hearted woman from the death of my husband. Too much pain for me to handle.

Counselor

Answer


No Male to Talk to Son about Puberty!

In this counseling answer:

•I would recommend turning to your local imam. He will be best placed to talk to him about these matters with an Islamic perspective in mind which would mean he will be able to advise regarding porn.

•You should also be prepared as a parent to answer any questions he may have. Having a loving a nurturing relationship will enable him to feel that he can turn to you for such questions.

•You can support him by buying him books on the topic that he can explore in his own time.


Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Inna lilahi wa Inna ilayi rajioon. Sorry to hear of the passing of your husband. May Allah make it easy for you and grant him the highest status in Jannah.

You are now in a position where you are raising your children as a single parent. This comes with many struggles, but the one you are facing now is with your teen son and your worry about how to educate him in matters relating to puberty now that your husband is no longer here. It is particularly concerning now that you have discovered that he has been watching porn.

It is much easier and perhaps appropriate for a male to discuss such matters with him, but without your husband, you would now like to find another male but do not know of any.

In your case, if he does not have any uncles who could approach the topic with him, I would recommend turning to your local imam. He will be best placed to talk to him about these matters with an Islamic perspective in mind which would mean he will be able to advise regarding porn.

No Male to Talk to Son about Puberty! - About IslamIt may be that your son was not aware that porn is haram, so he may have watched it in ignorance. The imam would be able to address this with him indirectly without necessarily having to say they you had found out he had been watching it.

If it is that the local masjid holds classes with the youth then you could suggest that it is a topic that is spoken about with the group. Or else, if this is not an option, then he could talk to him one to one. It can be quite an uncomfortable topic, but if it goes unaddressed then it can be even more dangerous and the issue of porn could become a more serious one that will cause major problems for him later.

Aside from asking the imam to talk to him about it from the Islamic perspective, it is quite likely that he is being educated on it to some extent at school.  Therefore, you might consider asking his school exactly what is being taught regarding puberty so you can have in mind what he is learning and what he is knowledgeable about. The imam would then be able to support this with the addition of the Islamic perspective.

Aside from these sources of information, you should also be prepared as a parent to answer any questions he may have. Having a loving a nurturing relationship will enable him to feel that he can turn to you for such questions. Again, this may be uncomfortable, but it will save him from turning to unreliable sources such as friends who may advise him wrongly. He may never have questions, but at least if he feels comfortable to ask you, he will turn to you first.

Additionally, you can support him by buying him books in the topic that he can explore in his own time. This will help to answer any questions he may have indirectly as well as letting him know that you are there to support him also.

May Allah reward your concern to raise your son on the straight path and may He guide you both in this journey.

Ameen

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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