Short Answer: Don’t take decisions while angry or frustrated. A sound judgment will require hearing the husband’s side as well. Therefore, seek a trustworthy marriage counselor who can listen to the full story in privacy and confidentiality. Neither one of you is allowed in Islam to oppress the other, so first assess your individual relationship with Allah Himself. Allah’s Mercy is vast and His Mercy envelopes everything and everyone. Have relief in this thought, consult Allah and insha’Allah He will direct you to the right decision for you.
May the peace, mercy and blessings of Allah be upon you, Sister,
Thank you so much for sending us your email.
I am very sorry to read about what you’re going through.
I ask Allah to facilitate your affairs for you, give you clarity, wisdom and relief from all your troubles.
We have to start this answer with a disclaimer.
We cannot give opinion on such an important life matter given that we do not know the full picture or details of the situation.
A sound judgment will require hearing the husband’s side as well and getting the full picture as much as possible before giving the most suitable advice.
Dealing with this situation needs qualified marriage counselors.
Seeking Marriage Counseling
So, the number one advice to give here is to seek a trustworthy marriage counselor who can listen to the full story in privacy and confidentiality. The counselor will serve both you and your husband professionally in order to reach a sound decision about your marriage.
One of the good counselors to recommend is sister Haleh Banani.
She does marriage counseling, coaching and deals with anxiety and other emotions that result from unhealthy marriages.
You can try to use her services available online.
You may also watch her free marriage counseling and marriage makeover series and ask your husband to watch them as well.
Making Decisions Calmly
The second piece of advice is to not take decisions while angry or frustrated.
It is best for the two of you to calm down completely first.
Pray istikhara, make duaa and then try to think clearly about the situation.
Write down what you like and don’t like about the marriage. Then, you can sit and talk with one another openly and sincerely.
Ask your husband for a one-to-one open heart discussion where both of you can communicate what is making you upset and calmly discuss any irrational fears or attitudes.
If you can’t have a calm, rational discussion with your partner, then this is a major problem because marriage essentially is about harmonious communication between the couple.
This doesn’t mean that you will never argue or disagree; it means you are able to communicate and work on reaching solutions for the sake of keeping the relationship you deem precious.
Mercy and Affection, not Oppression
It is important here to remember that the purpose of marriage as Allah Almighty described it is for the husband and wife to find comfort in one another and enjoy deep affection and mercy.
Allah (SWT) says in the Quran:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Quran 30: 21)
So, if both of you are yelling at each other, fighting or oppressing one another, then you need to first assess your individual relationship with Allah Himself.
How much you consider Him in this relationship?
How much the two of you help one another to develop spiritually and embody the noble characteristics taught by the Prophet (peace and blessings upon him)?
Neither one of you is allowed In Islam to oppress the other. Allah forbade oppression actually.
The Prophet says,
“There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Muwatta Malik]
He also said:
“The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [Sunan ibn Majah]
Islam is about balance and harmony. Both the husband and wife have rights and responsibilities. You may read our previous answer here for more on this point.
It is essential for both of you to read about the rights and responsibilities of husbands and wives in Islam as a reminder of the vastness, beauty, harmony and mercy that is in the religion.
Any requirements are there to deepen the bond and mercy, if this is not happening, then the injunctions are either misunderstood or misapplied.
Allah’s Mercy that Envelopes His Slaves
We understand that you love your husband; this is why we recommend you exhaust all efforts to make the relationship work before resorting to divorce.
But if you feel that divorce is the only solution because perhaps you are facing a form of abuse we are unaware of, or there is major lack of understanding between you and your partner, then know that it is your right to seek divorce in order to save yourself from harm, injustice or oppression.
In the time of the Prophet, some women did seek divorce and he did not force them to stay in a marriage they are unable to tolerate.
He also did not tell them that Allah will no longer accept them.
When Marriage Does Not Fulfill Its Purpose
It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas that the wife of Thabit bin Qais came to the Prophet and said:
“O Messenger of Allah, I do not find any fault with Thabit bin Qais regarding his attitude or religious commitment, but I hate Kufr after becoming Muslim.” The Messenger of Allah said: “Will you give him back his garden?” She said: “Yes.” The Messenger of Allah said: “Take back the garden and divorce her once.” [Sunan an-Nasa’i]
So, the path of Allah is there to teach us, help us develop and help us connect more with Him and grow in nearness to Him.
He said that marriage is one of His signs, so it is meant to bring both partners closer to Him, not away from Him.
If it’s not fulfilling this purpose, then there are options that Allah provided as mentioned earlier, and there is no blame if you seek these options.
Allah’s Mercy is vast and His Mercy envelopes everything and everyone.
Have relief in this thought, consult Allah and insha’Allah He will direct you to the right decision for you.
You may also contact our Ask the Counselor service to check the availability of a marriage counselor to answer your question more adequately if possible.
And Allah knows best.
I hope this helps.
Salam and please keep in touch.
(From Ask About Islam archives)
Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links: