Mr. Right: Or Mr. He Will Do?

12 October, 2019
Q Assalamu aleikum

Currently I'm in a very difficult situation. I'm a practicing Muslim and I love Allah and his Messenger a lot. I try to avoid doing any kufr because I fear Allah. I'm a quite reserved muslimah I don't have male friends. One month back I get to know a Muslim guy through my University friend. I talked with him only few times and the chat was very straight on point and I like his commitment to Allah, he's a very practicing muslim as well. I never met him in person but through a friend of mine I sent him a proposal. He said he's interested but would like to ask to his parents consent next year when he'll finish with university. I thought I can wait because one year Isn't that much but during this both of us don't want to stay in touch.

Now a proposal has come to my house of a boy and all of my family likes this guy a lot, but I don't want to accept this proposal. I've searched online on social media his account and I saw he was in a relationship with few girls before and he still has those girls tagged on his social account. I never ever had a relationship of any kind that's why I want to marry someone who is like me and can help me to improve my deen. On the other my family is pressuring me a lot to accept this proposal I'm so confused and sad at the same time because I wasn't expecting this kind of behaviour from my family.... Is it a sin if I reject this proposal?

Answer

Short Answer: Firstly, chatting online with the opposite gender can be very dangerous and risky. Think about it, you don’t know the person in reality, he/she is just someone across a screen. Many times when a person is on screen he tends to present himself in the best possible form. You will not catch anything wrong with the person on screen, hence you will end up idealizing the individual. Secondly you speaking to him, is a situation of private talk, which is not permissible in our religion. When a man and woman are alone the third is Satan amongst them. As for the proposal that you don’t want to accept, you reserve the right to say no! But you should do it in a polite manner by taking into consideration your parents emotions. May Allah guide you to make the best decision. Ameen

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Walaikumassalam and thank you for approaching us with your question.

As a human being God has granted us many rights and the right to make decisions. This right of decision making is a factor which distinguishes between a human and other creations of God Almighty. Because God has blessed us with the greatest gift- our mind.

Did I Take The Right Step?

Firstly, chatting online with the opposite gender can be very dangerous and risky. Think about it, you don’t know the person in reality, he/she is just someone across a screen. Many times when a person is on screen he tends to present himself in the best possible form. You will not catch anything wrong with the person on screen, hence you will end up idealizing the individual.

Secondly you speaking to him, is a situation of private talk, which is not permissible in our religion. When a man and woman are alone the third is Satan amongst them. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said,

“No man is alone with a non-mahram woman but the Shaytaan is the third one present.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2165; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani, 1758).

What next?

Well, now that you realize that it was a mistake first and foremost you should turn to Allah in repentance. What you did by proposing to this boy was a good step, however you have lacked in one particular area, which is communication with your parents. Gather up some courage, first by asking help from Allah, and then from within yourself and tell your family about him. Let them know about the situation you are in with this boy, so that they can do their investigation about the boy and his family.

Parents are more  experienced than their children and usually want the best for them as well. You should be open with your family as it will help them to understand your point of view, and why you are refusing to accept the current proposal. Remember your parents deserve the best of your treatment.

Allah says in the Quran,

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.”(al-Isra’ 17:23)  In the verse following right after Allah stresses the importance of parents. “And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young” [Quran 17: 24]

Can I Refuse?

At times people view situations through a different lens. Your parents may have a different perspective about something and you have a different way of thinking as well. There is nothing wrong  with having different viewpoints. But one should be considerate as well and try to accept differences and move on. It will help one control the situation, before things get out of hands. Yes you have the right to turn down any proposal you are not comfortable with. As is apparent in the following hadith:

It was narrated by Nisaai via Abdullah ibn Buraida via Aaisha that a young woman came to her and said, My father married me to his brothers son in order to raise his standing among the people and I am unwilling (to agree to it), so she said, Sit until the Prophet (peace be upon him) comes. So the Prophet (peace be upon him) came and she informed him of the situation, so he sent for her father and invited him (over) and asserted that the matter is in the brides hands. So she said, Oh Prophet of Allah I have authorized and endorsed what my father has done, but I wanted to know if women had a say in the matter or not. (Sunan al-NisaaI, Kitaab al-Nikaah min Sunanihi and it is sahih).

You have the right to choose whom you would like to spend your life with, your better half. According to the following hadith it is advised to marry the person who approaches you and has good deen.

“If he whose character and deen (practice of religion) pleases you, approaches you in marriage, then marry him, for if you don’t, their will be fitna in the land and vast corruption.” (Tirmidhi and others, see Sunan Tirmidhi #1085 and it is hassan (reliable) as per Sahih ul-Jaami #270).

You reserve the right to say no! But you should do it in a polite manner by taking into consideration your parents emotions. May Allah guide you to make the best decision. Ameen

And Allah knows best.

I hope this helps.

Salam and please keep in touch.

(From Ask About Islam archives)

Please continue feeding your curiosity, and find more info in the following links:

How to Deal with A Proposal From a Non-Practicing Man?

Am I Ungrateful for Rejecting a Proposal?

How to Convince My Parents to Let Me Marry Outside Our Tribe?