I have been married for 13 years with a 10 years old daughter and working full time to help out my husband with the household expenses. My husband manages his own business and is always busy. Therefore, I handle all household matters and care for my daughter alone most of the time. However, my husband would help out in the household and spend limited time with our daughter whenever he can.
I was happy with our family life until one day I accidentally saw a message in my husband’s phone that he sent to a woman in the UK: “My sweet love, I hope you feel better today”. My husband refused to talk to me when I confronted him and kept giving me different excuses every time I asked. Finally, he said it was his ex-girlfriend who contacted him to consult on Islam because she wanted to become a Muslim.
But he refused to show any messages or emails that they have exchanged on Islam. He also claimed that the message didn’t mean anything, it was just for fun, and anyway, he called everyone sweet love – which is not true. I know him for 15 years.
Then he claimed that he did nothing wrong and even if it was a love message, as a married Muslim man, it was his right to have girlfriends and marry up to 4 wives. I then reminded him that he had agreed not to practice polygamy when he proposed to me.
Anyway, it is not possible since he can't support more than 1 family, and he obviously doesn't have time for family with his busy work schedule. He then claimed that he was following his fate. He used to joke in front of our daughter and other family members that he had a girlfriend, but I never suspected he would be unfaithful to me one day.
Thus, when I realized he does have a “girlfriend” now, I begged him not to let my daughter know and requested him to stop contacting her and save our marriage. He agreed, but then he changed his story that she was just a friend who consulted him on Islam and that made me feel guilty to stop him guiding a new Muslim; however, he didn't want me to contact the woman to apologize or clarify the matter.
Moreover, he doesn’t seem to understand how hurtful it is for me to read that message and my constant fear now that there may be some other woman anytime. Isn’t it our duty as husband and wife to stay faithful to each other?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
“You are allowed to disagree with your husband. If you do not approve of what he is doing, Islamic or not, tell him respectfully. Just because something is allowed (i.e. having up to 4 wives) does not mean that we have to like it and live it.
If you are uncomfortable sharing your husband with other women, then you do not have to. Of course, the ideal situation would be for him to realize his mistake and stop, but that doesn’t seem to be an option right now.”
As-Salaamu `Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for your question. I can understand from your question that you feel confused and stressed because of the situation. It doesn’t help that your husband keeps changing his story and putting the onus of the problem on you when in fact it is his.
I will try to answer your question from a counselor perspective. As I am not an Islamic scholar and cannot answer from that perspective. If you are looking for fatwa, please submit your question to our ‘Ask the Scholar’ section.
Relationship
There are two things in Islam: our relationship with Allah and our relationship with others. Most shar`iah matters dealing with our relationship with other people. This is because these relationships directly impact our spirituality.
If we treat others badly but pray every day, our religion is incomplete. It works the other way as well; if we do not pray but only treat others properly, then we are still practicing incompletely.
However, the rights that other people have over us are so critical that we are told Allah will not forgive us until those we have hurt have forgiven us. Allah is Merciful and forgiving, but we are told constantly to treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity (note I did not say fairness).
Treatment
I can see that you have taken your husband’s actions and internalized them hoping that if you are a better wife, he will stop his hurtful ways. If you actually think about this, it is flawed logic. It is true that treating him badly may drive him away.
However, treating him impeccably may not necessarily bring him closer if he has already set his mind that he is doing nothing wrong. If he felt that he was wrong and felt so much love for you that he did not want to cause you or your daughter pain, then it would work.
However, from your letter, your “niceness” seems to be translating into being weak and accepting of his ways. I never encourage people to be rude, but I also don’t encourage them to be super nice because once you lose your patience, you will explode.
Disagreement
You are allowed to disagree with your husband. If you do not approve of what he is doing, Islamic or not, tell him respectfully. Just because something is allowed (i.e. having up to 4 wives) does not mean that we have to like it and live it.
If you are uncomfortable sharing your husband with other women, then you do not have to. Of course, the ideal situation would be for him to realize his mistake and stop, but that doesn’t seem to be an option right now.
If you are asking how you can handle the situation, I think you know that already. Be nice, be cordial, but stand up for yourself, your daughter, and what you think is right. If you feel that your husband talking about his girlfriends has a negative effect on your daughter (having a girlfriend, by the way, is not permissible in Islam), then you need to take necessary steps to preserve your daughter’s emotional well-being and her view of Islam.
Check out this counseling video:
Your Strengths
Many women look to the men in their lives to give them validation and praise. If this isn’t received then women begin to look at all their flaws and think that perhaps they aren’t worthy of praise. We all have things we can work on, but we all also have strengths that should be recognized and respected.
You are trying too hard to find the flaws in you and fix them in hope that your husband will recognize how wonderful you are and leave his girlfriend. You are basing your happiness on someone else’s actions, and that is giving a lot of power to another over yourself.
I am not telling you to leave your husband. I am telling you to think deeply about what you want and feel is good for you and your daughter and to act accordingly. If you can find a way to do this while maintaining a relationship with your husband, then good. If not, then that is your decision.
What is not ok is for someone to treat you badly, use Islamic rulings to falsely justify their actions and then put ideas in your head that it is your fault. This is neither Islamic nor ethical according to any worldview.
I pray things work out for you,
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