As-Salaam ‘Aleikom sister,
We are sorry to hear about your story and can understand how hard time you might be going through.
As you are describing in your text that you are being abused by your husband, it seems to me that your husband may suffer from schizophrenia like his mother. You mentioned that he changes behavior and that you sometimes feel you live with two persons rather than one; he is good one minute, the next he is completely different.
Scientists have long known that schizophrenia sometimes runs in the families. Research indicates that a child of a person with a mental illness has an increased risk of developing schizophrenia or other mental illnesses. If your husband is not schizophrenic, then he has definitely got some other mental illness. His mother was divorced when he was only 5 years old, and living with a mother with an illness must have had an impact on him.
The way your husband is treating you alone and in front of the children is not acceptable at all. Your past is past, and you both should be focusing on the present. Unfortunately, it looks like he has been abusing you for such a long time that you have started to believe some of the things he says to you. His controlling and negative attitude towards you is not only damaging for your marriage but also for your children’s life and mental health. Instead of teaching his son to respect his mom and other women, he is teaching them the opposite. The wife’s importance has been mentioned in the Qur’an a few times. It is essential to see that what your husband is doing and saying to you is totally wrong.
Islam honors women as wives. Islam urges the husband to treat his wife in a good and kind manner. It says that the wife has rights over the husband like his rights over her, except that he has a degree over her because of his responsibility of spending and taking care of the family’s affairs. Islam states that the best of the Muslim men is the one who treats his wife in the best manner, and the man is forbidden to take his wife’s money without her approval. Allah (swt) says:
“…and live with them in kindness…” (4:19)
„…And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.“ (2:228)
The Prophet (saw) said, “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of the women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will remain crooked, so I urge you to take care of the women.” (Bukhari)
And the Prophet (saw) said:
“The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” (Ibn Majah)
Your husband is not fulfilling his duties as a good husband, and he will be punished for it. Remember, whatever he says to you is not your fault and you don’t deserve it at all. Your husband is very abusive and controlling and he doesn’t want you to leave him. He has filled your brain with so much guilt and low self-esteem for yourself that you actually think he is right when he says that he “lifted you from the dirt”.
False guilt is an oppressive burden that is not based on reality but on the warped views, ideas, and attitudes of others. Emotional abuse transfers those warped views on you, and those warped views produce mind-numbing, action-paralyzing shame. You are told you are responsible. Some of the nameless chaos is encapsulated. Bad things happen to me because I am bad. A sense of order is established. By latching onto your guilt, you are really attempting to take back control of your life.
Living with emotional and verbal abuse can take its toll on your health and general well-being. Take care of yourself and find healthy ways to deal with the stress of an abusive marriage. It is not easy to leave a person when you don’t have any support from your family about it, and especially when you have a child with the person, but it is important to look after yourself and know your worth and at the same time make things better. Here are a few tips on what you could do:
Find healthy ways to deal with the stress of an abusive marriage. Eat healthy foods and try to get enough rest. Remind yourself of your unique qualities and talents. Indulge in a hobby or interest you enjoy. Try starting an exercise routine or reading a good book to escape for a while.
Keep your support system strong. Try to maintain your relationships with friends and family as much as you can. Your husband may try to limit the amount of time you spend with others or sabotage your friendships. Tell them what is going on so they will understand if they don’t hear from you.
Gain more knowledge about the dynamics of abusive relationships. Knowing more about the pattern of abuse will help you understand that the abuse is not your fault but is something your husband chooses to do.
Try not to sink to his level. Set some boundaries with your husband. When he starts a verbal tirade, do not engage and try match his abuse. Calmly let him know that you are sorry he feels that way, but that you expect him to treat you with respect. If he continues, simply walk out of the room and give him time to cool off.
Pray to Allah (swt) that your husband changes his poor behavior and respect you as his wife and mother of your children.
No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. You have to know that you have control over your own life and nobody can treat you the way he does. In sha’Allah, things will get better for you. Stay strong and be patient, sister.
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