I have no one to talk to about these things other than my notes and my prayers. I can't even bring myself to be angry, or to be upset, or to "complain" and "vent" my problems to other people. Even thinking or considering sending this question scares me of certain repercussions.
I don't know what to do. I feel like my entire life I've been afraid. I can't even receive support from my family as all they've ever suggested to me is either "To pray, to calm down, to just not think about it". I've been constantly belittled and called "weak willed" just for crying when I'm overwhelmed.
I feel like I've been trained by said family my entire life to be afraid. Of mistakes. Of everything. Of finding out that everything wrong in the world is always my fault, as they always said it. And I should've been better to fix everything.
When I feel envious, when I feel sad, when I feel angry, I always blame myself, and I'm always afraid of thinking all these "wrong" things. Constantly, by the very same thought, I would always think about punishing myself physically with how I deserves it.
Perhaps sending this question itself was a mistake. Perhaps I should've been better and figure it out myself like how my mother always told me. But I can't hold on. I'm scared. I've done my best to pray and to ask for strength and forgiveness and help.
I'm so sorry if I bothered anyone reading this. But, even if it's not answered, I'm grateful for the chance. Thank you, please have an amazing life, and I hope I will still be here to read.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Unfortunately, these feelings can be a natural consequence of growing up in an unsupportive environment, whether intentionally or not. But just because they cannot see you does not mean you cannot be seen. Just because they do not understand you does not mean you cannot be understood. And just because they have not provided the care you need does not mean there are no other people out there who would genuinely care about you.
- If you are thinking about giving up or feel that you cannot keep going, please reach out for help as soon as possible. Contact your doctor, a mental health professional, or a crisis hotline in your country.
Assalamu alaikum, brother,
I’m so sorry, brother. It was genuinely sad to read your letter and know that writing to us was absolutely not a mistake. And no, you do not need to figure everything out on your own at all.
You say that you are dealing with fear and anxiety and that you try to distract yourself, but these feelings persist. You also mention that you do not have anyone to talk to about these things.
I would connect this to what you mentioned about not receiving the support you needed from your family. You were repeatedly told to pray to calm down, seek forgiveness, and simply not to think about your problems. As a result, your feelings were not validated, and your fears were dismissed. You were even called weak or weird when you expressed your emotions, instead of receiving the comfort and understanding.
You say that, throughout your life, you have been conditioned by your family to be afraid of making mistakes and, perhaps, to be afraid of many other things as well. Now, as you approach the end of your twenties, this is really taking a toll on you.
I’m sorry that they were not able to offer you the support and care you deserved. Sometimes, what we need is not more prayer or seeking forgiveness but human connection, support, a sense of belonging, and the feeling of being valued, recognized, and accepted rather than rejected.
It is entirely understandable that, in an environment that feels dismissive, and rejecting, you have ended up in the emotional state you are experiencing right now.
It is not your fault.
These feelings can be a natural consequence of growing up in an unsupportive environment, whether intentionally or not. I don’t know what your family’s struggles might be or what dysfunctional beliefs they may hold that prevent them from providing the support, care, and connection you need. But I want you to understand that your family’s limitations do not define the whole world out there.
Just because they cannot see you does not mean you cannot be seen. Just because they do not understand you does not mean you cannot be understood. And just because they have not provided the care you need does not mean there are no other people out there who would genuinely care about you.
I think writing this letter was a very good decision. When we are in trouble, we seek help and that is okay: it’s human. And while writing down your thoughts when you feel overwhelmed is a helpful strategy, especially when you have no one to talk to, I would also encourage you to consider other ways of connecting with people.
Your sadness, by the way, is an entirely understandable response to what you have experienced. It is also understandable that you have chosen not to open up to others, given your past experiences.
When people repeatedly tell us not to think about our problems or to suppress our emotions, we may learn to push our feelings away rather than understand and process them. But suppressing emotions does not make them disappear. It can actually make things more difficult over time.
Also, if you have been told that making mistakes is unacceptable, you may have come to believe that mistakes make you a failure. But this is ot true. There are other people who understand that we all make mistakes and that making them is a normal part of being human.
However, I want you to know that things can be different. You can learn to trust again, express your emotions, and build relationships in which you feel safe and accepted.
The beliefs you have absorbed from your family are only one lens through which they see the world. They are not the only perspective, and they are not necessarily the truth.
Seek support
Maybe at this point, you need some support, perhaps from someone outside your family. You deserve more care, understanding, and attention than you may have received so far.
I don’t know whether professional support is available, but if possible, speak to your GP and explain how you have been feeling, just like you did by writing to us. You are allowed to acknowledge your feelings, express them, and seek help in dealing with them.
And brother, if you are thinking about giving up or feel that you cannot keep going, please reach out for help as soon as possible. Contact your doctor, a mental health professional, or a crisis hotline in your country. You do not have to face these feelings alone. There are people who choose to do this work because they genuinely want to help others, and you can turn to them with confidence.
Also, know that this is not about a lack of faith. These struggles can affect your emotional well-being regardless of how strong your faith is.
I would also encourage you to think about opportunities to socialize and build connections outside your family. What about some activities in your local area, people you could get to know through work, or opportunities to volunteer with a charity or community organization?
I hope this helps. With the right support and care, you will work through these difficulties, and find a healthier way forward, insha’Allah.
