A bit of background on the family:
1. Both my parents and his parents are from South Asia, but me and him were both were born in the West.
2. His younger brother got married before us into a rich family and it was a love marriage that was kept secret (husband told me they liked each other in college and high school and when his mother found out she lost it and it took them 2- 3. years for her to accept her. But I have a feeling because the girl comes from a rich well brought up background, she can easily accept her because guess what money talks to them.
4. My parents are from the south where there usually aren't many Muslims, his are from the north where everywhere you look there are Muslims.
5. We have been living with the in-laws since our marriage because 1) we were waiting on his residency to move out but he didn't get it 2. we are finically unstable. He is middle class I'm poor middle class. Hence also why I feel like I am treated differently.
SO far what has happened:
- She tells her son how she wishes for me to be and he secretly tells me because she doesn't want her son to tell me what’s going on in her mind. I like to stay quiet I am an introvert, when we met, he was okay with this. However, I feel like he’s forcing me to change in order to get along with his family and I keep telling him didn't you fall in love with me the way I was when we first met?
He’s like yea but my mother wants you to talk to my siblings and be talkative like his younger sister-in-law. But I am not her I feel like she messed things up for me because everyone wants me to be like her. She's like me quiet stays in the room talks less dress like me too. The rich daughter-in-law wears designer clothes and stuff.
Anytime MIL gets upset she stays quiet not talkative and I have to tiptoe like glass is all over when I speak to her and blunt replies too like how I’ve seen with other people’s questions on this site. The thing is my husband won’t tell her how I feel he thinks she will think it is talking back.
If I can’t get my idea across to my husband how I feel then what good is he, hence I feel like I am losing interest in him, loving him less and less each day. I don't know who to talk to I’m alone up here I have no friends and no family nearby. I only have my husband as support and now because he can’t help, I’m left to fend for my own. This eating me up cause Islamically I am not being a good wife to him, I wanna make isthikhara and see if I should leave him. I even thought about going back to my families place to make them realize you guys made a mistake in forcing me to change. It’s a relationship between me and my husband not the family, we will be together in Jannah we won’t know anyone else even our parents. I don’t know what to do please help I’m all alone.
Answer
This situation might be based on some misunderstanding about each other’s feelings and intentions.
Communication is very important, also about how one feels and interprets the other’s behavior in the family.
Talk to your husband in a kind, non-biased way, and tell him how you perceive the situation at home and how his mother’s behavior affects you.
Some people are more quiet and introverted, while others like to socialize more.
This is a normal diversity of personalities. None of them is worse or better; maybe they are only different from what we were used to in our family while growing up.
It is important to accept the way Allah created each one of us and not want to expect something else from each other.
How can you improve your relationship with your in-laws after marriage? Find out more in the answer.
More from Sr. Aisha:
- My Mother Doesn’t Like My Wife; What to Do?
- My Mother-in-Law Made My Life Hell
- How to Deal With Difficult Mother-in-Law
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