I have been married for 1 and a half years. I did not live with my husband for more than 1 and a half months after marriage. When he went abroad for his job, his mother tortured me physically and mentally. She treated me like a slave. She threatened me that if I tell anything to my parents or my husband it will be not good for me.
After that suddenly my loving husband started fighting over silly things without any reason (on the phone). And then I got sick and became weak day by day. Whenever I told my mother in law I am not feeling well she used to give me heavy work and I had to do it anyhow.
Also, I used to get scared in my room as it always felt like something is watching me and when I talked to my husband on phone I used to hear a weird voice in between the call.
And I was attacked twice in my room by something when I was asleep, after that, I became so weak that I could not walk by myself. I finally told my parents everything and they took me to their house.
Even after that as a part of reconciliation my parents had meetings and calls with their family but no improvement.
At instances, my mother in law threatened me that she will bring another wife for her son, even my husband told me the same for several times. Then we got to know that my mother in law has done black magic on me and my husband.
Then I got cure of it and my husband became nice to me as he was right after marriage but only for 2 months. Again everything turned upside down and again I got cure of it. I am still suffering from it again and again.
Now my husband is back and asking me to come to his house. I asked a scholar before going there, he told me there is black magic in that room. I told my husband and he got cure of it, but I am still scared to go there.
I asked my husband to keep me in a rented house but he refused. He only listens to his mother.
Now he is telling me that if I will not go there he will leave me. I did istikhara but did not decide whether to go there or not. I always feel that if I have not escaped from there I would have died.
Now I want to know that if my husband calls me and I do not go then will it be disobedient of husband? Will Allah be angry at me?
Will it lead to the annoyance of Allah? I have heard that if we disobey our husband our fasting and good deeds will not be accepted. Please help me in such a way that Allah will be pleased with me and my life will be secured. Jazakallah khair.
In this counseling answer:
You have a right to live in a living situation where you are honored and treated with kindness by both your husband and in-laws, it may be best for you to seek out an intervention in order to see if your marriage can work out or not.
Talk to your husband about your feelings honestly.
Move back with your husband in his mother’s home but put your boundaries up as soon as you arrive.
Thank you for emailing in with your question and seeking support.
The very first thing I want to tell you is to take care of yourself because you deserve to be taken care of. In this entire situation, I see that you have struggled to honor your own being and to stand up for yourself and you’ve been terrified to the extent you felt you might have died! That’s such a terrible experience to have to go through.
The most important first thing you need to know is that no one, not a husband or a mother in law or a sister in law or any other human being has the right to emotionally or physically abuse you. No human being is allowed to treat you like a slave.
SubhanAllah, even in Islam when slavery did exist due to captives of war they were to be treated with goodness. Abusing slaves was something that Islam abolished. So what about the rights of you as a wife?
You deserve to be treated kindly
Please read the following hadith as a reference and support for yourself:
Narrated Al-Ma’rur: At Ar-Rabadha I met Abu Dhar who was wearing a cloak, and his slave, too, was wearing a similar one. I asked about the reason for it. He replied, “I abused a person by calling his mother with bad names.” The Prophet said to me, ‘O Abu Dhar! Did you abuse him by calling his mother with bad names You still have some characteristics of ignorance. Your slaves are your brothers and Allah has put them under your command. So who has a brother under his command should feed him what he eats and dress him of what he wears. Do not ask them (slaves) to do things beyond their capacity (power) and if you do so, then help them.’ “
It’s time to put an end to being mistreated. You are a full human being and a servant of the most Merciful who has rights. The people who are supposed to protect you the most are failing to do that. The people who are supposed to nurture your iman and emotional well being are doing the opposite.
You have every right to ask for change starting now.
Check out this counseling video:
Involving the Scholar
You mentioned that there is a scholar whom you spoke to regarding your experience of being in the home where you had the feeling of being watched and also becoming ill. Have you considered inviting the scholar to be a third party for you in order to speak to your husband and let him know that he also confirms that the home is not a place that is best for you to reside?
If not that scholar then who else can advocate on your behalf. Currently, your situation is as you’ve described it:
* A mother in law who mistreats you and shows no care for your emotional or physical wellbeing.
* An environment where you feel afraid and ill.
*Space where your husband seems to show no control over his own life as a man.
* A mother in law who is threatening to find a second wife for her son.
* A husband threatening to leave you if you do not move back in with him and his mother.
Under the current set-up, it doesn’t appear that you are going to be treated well. Since you have a right to live in a living situation where you are honored and treated with kindness by both your husband and in-laws, it may be best for you to seek out an intervention in order to see if your marriage can work out or not.
The Qur’an offers this advice when there is a fear that two people cannot come together in their marriage in peace:
“And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].” (4:35)
It is fair for you to work out a situation where you both are comfortable and the goal of marriage itself is maintained and restored for both of you.
Obedience no matter what?
Allah is Merciful and our religion is one that is built on mercy and compassion. Yes, there are rights due to a husband as there are rights due to a wife. Islam does have guidelines for how to respond to one’s spouse.
However, things are not so black and white where he can demand anything without any consideration for how you feel or your own rights and needs.
I don’t want you to be in a situation where you feel you have nowhere to turn. Neither to your husband but neither to Allah because you were taught our Lord would be angry with you no matter what. Allah is not on the side of a man just because he is male.
Instead, our religion is designed to create harmony and guidance for a successful marriage. This cannot happen with a wife who was so traumatized living with her mother in law that she thought she might die and was told that black magic was done on her there.
Here are the options I perceive you have:
1) Speak to your husband and let him know what your fears and concerns are. Let him know that you very much desire to be with him and live with him but your experience with his mother was unacceptable and terrifying.
Let him know you want to work out a situation that is win-win for both of you and seek to involve the third parties you both trust to do just that but in the meantime, you will not be returning to her home.
2) Move back with your husband in his mother’s home but put your boundaries up as soon as you arrive. Let him know you will go there but will no longer accept being mistreated as if you are a lowly slave in your own home.
After all, this is your home too not just his mother’s. It is the place he has chosen for you to dwell which means that you must feel at ease while there. You may also need to involve a third party here as well so that your return has stipulations.
In both situations, I must warn you, it’s very likely that his mother is going to pressure him not to accept anything you are asking for. If your details about her are in fact accurate, she may become more difficult to deal with and accuse you of being the problem instead of herself.
You must be strong should this happen and remember where this advice piece began – which is that you have a right to be treated with kindness and respect.
Continue to make istikharah until you feel your heart has gained the clarity you are looking for. You can repeat it. Furthermore, speak to Allah. Let Him know your thoughts, feelings, fears, needs, and wants in this situation.
Do not allow what has happened to push you away from your Lord. Instead, draw nearer to Him trusting that He wants what is best for you.
Also, consult with your heart and listen to your gut instincts. If you feel you are unsafe and have legitimate experiences or reasons to feel that way, then trust your feelings. Take care of yourself.
May Allah guide you to a path where you are honored, taken care of, treated with love and respect, and living in a state where He is consistently pleased with your deeds and character.
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