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I Found Out the Truth About His Past; Please Advise!

13 December, 2022
Q Pre-marriage me and my fiancé were both previously married. We discussed intimacy briefly. One area I said was important was that being mature about intimacy outside of marriage in terms of diseases and illegitimate children. I added I was fine to go to the sexual health clinic and gets tested.

My husband, at the time my fiancé, said that is not needed. Red flag is ignored.

Fast forward 2 years and 1 baby later our marriage has deteriorated the main reason is intimacy he has issues from day one. And I tried to help, tried to give advice. All he could do is make it feel like my problem. 2 years later with a non-existent satisfying intimate life I found out he was not married before and he cohabited with his "ex-wife". Photos - intimate photos were uncovered.

I confronted him and his response was he spoke to a sheik who said it was fine to hide the past even though he lied to me he was never married. And he refused to do the tests. He took away my informed choice at the time pre-marriage.

He has no remorse and still believes what he did is right. To add fuel to the fire he kept the same bed that slept on for 2 years. I am heart broken and mortified, embarrassed and feel disgusting.

Because of my baby I am sitting in the same home wondering what to do. He has no remorse and instead is upset with me.

Answer

He might not have told the truth to you, as this was the advice he got from the sheik. He might have felt ashamed to tell you that his previous relationship was not a marriage.

If he sincerely repented, he could expect the forgiveness of Allah for his past sins. You can try to forgive him for not revealing his past completely. 

If you have problems with intimacy in your marriage, it is very recommended that you work on them with a counselor.

Talk to your husband with compassion. Let him know that you want to heal your marriage and find a solution together. 

Listen to the video for the full advice!

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.