AlhamduliAllah I have been married for 7 months, I have an incredible stepson, and my wife is pregnant. But these seven months have been the most stressful for me. Within 2 months, my wife told me she did not love me, but beforehand she was cold to me and paid no attention to me.
After telling me that everything went wrong, she would openly treat me horribly, such as saying she hates looking at me and that she wasn’t happy. Anytime I asked to go anywhere it would be a no and if I asked to touch her in any type of way it would be a no.
Even when I am stressed out, she still neglects and ignores me. I asked for us to at least try to bond and do things whether it was going to lectures, eating, or anything together but she refuses. However, she still goes to events with her family and friends but never with me.
She told me that she only married me to make her family happy. Her father told me to be patient, but she just treats me worse and once I say anything, she tells me to stop complaining because she isn’t treating me wrongly.
After the two months, she went to live with her father stating she wants a Khula, and after the birth of our baby she wants a divorce immediately.
It’s been 4 months of her pregnancy. She blocked me, her family never checks on me, and she tells me many times she and her son don’t miss me, and that he’s not missing out.
Her family never asks to speak about it, and other than some advice from her mother or aunt I got nothing else from them. I am so frustrated, confused and hurt.
I don’t know what to do and I feel trapped. Her items are still in my house and she hasn’t come to visit or come home this whole time, and nobody tells her she’s wrong about anything or intervene.
She gives her ex time to see her son after his relentless abuse, but all I’ve done is help and help and just love as much as possible. I’m treated like this all she talks about is her ex to her family while I just sit and get envious because I can’t even go out with her anywhere to create memories. But a man like him can be bragged about in such a way like he never hit her or hospitalized her son.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
If you want to try working this out, I suggest marriage counseling.
Even if she decided to change , she has scarred you emotionally and those feelings need to be unpacked.
Your wife must consider both marriage and personal counseling.
If both of you decide to try and heal your marriage, you two need to learn some marriage skills.
Effective and merciful communication is a huge part of a successful marriage.
Get the family involved.
Focus on your child as a source of hope.
If you both agree to seek a divorce, then you need time to heal, brother.
Identify 3 positive coping skills to help you work through the emotional difficulties of this situation.
Assalamu alaikum brother,
I am sorry to hear about your struggles with your family. May Allah (SWT) heal your heart and guide you on this difficult path, Ameen.
It is my understanding you have been married for a short 7 months and have been experiencing psychological abuse from your wife.
She wants a khula, is pregnant and takes maintenance but won’t see you.
This is a very painful and difficult situation, but something beautiful is coming out of it soon in sha’ Allah; your child.
This is your anchor, brother, a light at the end of the tunnel to keep you happy and give you hope.
You have legal rights both Islamically and within the USA to see your child. She cannot take that away from you.
You are entitled to visitation rights and you will get them in sha’ Allah.
Furthermore, if she tries to keep the child away from you then you can take her to court.
If you want to try working this out, I suggest marriage counseling.
Even if she decided to try to change tomorrow, she has scarred you emotionally and those feelings need to be unpacked.
You two could do this together to repair the bond that never had a true chance to grow. Online counseling is available if you don’t want to be in person.
She may not be ready for counseling, but it seems that she is close to her family.
You could consider speaking to her father and asking for a family intervention.
All of you sit together in one room and one of her family members acts as the mediator.
Neither of you should speak harshly or loudly, as it is not a time to blame or cause hurt feelings.
It is a safe space to talk about both of your emotions, the future of the marriage and very importantly the future for your child/children.
She needs to understand that you will be a part of this child’s life, whether she likes it or not.
Previous Trauma
You mentioned her ex was abusive to them. She may be traumatized by that abuse and the hormones of pregnancy combining with her previous trauma are causing her to react very defensively and cold towards you, like a defense mechanism.
I am not excusing her actions towards you, just showing a different perspective. The vulnerability may be difficult for her.
You could suggest to her and her family that she seeks counseling both personally and as a couple.
If not for the sake of her own self, she may consider this for the benefit of her child.
Even if she wants a khula, and she has a right to divorce even if you don’t agree, she needs to understand her behavior is not a positive role model for the children involved.
Check out this counseling video:
If You Stay
If both of you decide to try and heal your marriage, you two need to learn some marriage skills.
Effective and merciful communication is a huge part of a successful marriage.
Utilize the following communication skills:
I-statements: Instead of pointing the blame with statements like “you make me feel so horrible when you don’t do this and that” use “I feel unloved and unappreciated when we don’t spend time together”.
This avoids pointing the blame but still expresses the same sentiment. It is easier for someone to hear and respond to.
Practice active listening: Don’t listen with the intent to respond and get your point across, listen with the intent to understand her feelings and respond in a way that shows her you empathize.
Occasionally repeat back what she says to emphasize to her you are truly listening and want to understand.
Be concise and to the point: When emotions are high and defensiveness is easy to trigger, it is best to avoid long and drawn out explanations.
Disengage if voices raise or arguing begins: When this happens, take a 5-minute break or change the topic momentarily. Arguing will not resolve concerns, it will only increase defensiveness.
In addition to healthy communication, a happy marriage needs intimacy.
This doesn’t necessarily mean physical intimacy; it can mean going for dates together or having sweet moments.
You could try sending her flowers with an invitation for a date night.
If you two decide to work on your marriage, make a commitment to do a date night once a week.
I know this can be hard with infants, you can always plan special dates inside your home such as a candlelit dinner with your favorite song to dance to and a movie night.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” [Quran 30:21]
If You Leave
If you both agree to seek a divorce, then you need time to heal, brother.
Identify 3 positive coping skills to help you work through the emotional difficulties of this situation.
Examples of coping skills include running, painting, journaling, praying, or baking.
The idea is to find something which helps you vent, focus on something positive and makes you feel good.
You two are a part of each other’s lives whether or not you can get along.
You will in sha’ Allah have a child together soon, so it is imperative you two learn how to communicate in a healthy manner, for the sake of the child.
You should never argue in front of the kids or speak negatively about the other person.
If you find that she cannot do this, speak to her parents about this so they can talk to her about doing what is best as a Mother.
This is not just about you two, it is about the innocent children stuck in the middle.
“…either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment…” [Quran 2:229]
Final Thoughts
To summarize the tips above:
- Consider both marriage and personal counseling
- Get the family involved
- Focus on your child as a source of hope
- Work on communication and intimacy skills if you decide to stay in the marriage
- Identify 3 positive skills as you heal if you decide to leave
You are both very young so whether or not the marriage lasts, both of you can heal and move forward in your life.
The focus is what is best for the children involved and finding a way to communicate without hurtful words.
Please understand this is not personal and she would have treated any other man she married the same way.
May Allah heal your heart and guide your decisions, Ameen.
Salam,
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