In this counseling answer:
• It is your responsibility to seek help to resolve the depression. Not only will you have a happier and more successful life in sha’ Allah, but you will be more fully capable of preventing yourself from falling into harmful thoughts or actions.
• Go to Allah, who is most forgiving, most merciful, and then take the correct steps in your life to resolve the underlying depression and mental health issues that may have led you to fall into this behavior in the first place.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,
Thank you for your question. I am very sorry to hear of your pain, depression and suicidal thoughts. It seems that even before you committed this sin, you were suffering my dear brother. I am wondering if you ever got help for your depression. Have you told anyone of your suicidal thoughts? I would highly recommend dear brother that you contact a professional in your area for counseling so that you may address your depression and suicidal ideation.
You stated your mind is always filled with thoughts, but you did not expound on what kind of thoughts or what their frequency is, or if they are racing thoughts, so I cannot determine if you have a dual mental health diagnosis, however, it is a possibility which can best be evaluated by a professional in your area.
As you seem to be in the midst of a psychological crisis (for some time now), it may impair your ability to think straight, ward off haram or unIslamic thoughts or actions as well as impeding your ability to function in many areas. One of the areas which may be affected is decision making. PMC states that “There are several lines of theory and research that suggest that depression is associated with maladaptive decision making. The choices made by depressed persons may also be sub-optimal. Studies have shown that depressed, relative to non-depressed persons, make qualitatively different decisions, leading many doctors and psychotherapists to suggest to their patients that they should avoid making major life choices while in a depressed state.”
As engaging in sex, whether homosexual acts or sexual acts with a female to whom you are not married are considered in Islam as major life choices as they are haram. So, while you may have committed haram acts, your depression and other possible psychopathology may have contributed to your decision to do this. While this in no way excuses the behavior, it does explain, in part, why you fell prey to haram acts.
Based on your knowledge that you are depressed dear brother, it is your responsibility to seek help to resolve the depression. Not only will you have a happier and more successful life in sha’ Allah, but you will be more fully capable of preventing yourself from falling into harmful thoughts or actions.
I understand you are feeling ashamed and guilty, and that is actually a good thing in that is shows remorse on your part. If you did not feel ashamed or guilty, I would be more concerned; however, these feelings are which keep us on the path to repentance, asking for forgiveness as well as taking steps to ensure we don’t repeat the offending behavior. I suggest dear brother you ask for Allah’s forgiveness, repent, make du’aa’ to Allah that He grants ease, and get counseling as soon as possible so you can resolve the issues with depression in sha’ Allah.
While I am not an Islamic scholar, you can find information on Tawba here. Additionally brother, please be reminded that “we must keep in mind that some sins are greater than others, but there is no sin that is too big for Allah to forgive; He forgives all sins if the person follows those basic steps.
So brother, although you did commit haram, please do not be so harsh on yourself. Go to Allah, who is most forgiving, most merciful, and then take the correct steps in your life to resolve the underlying depression and mental health issues that may have led you to fall into this behavior in the first place.
May Allah grant you ease; you are in our prayers.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.