Dear Brother/Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Here are the 4 questions our counselor answered. If you do not see yours listed below, please resubmit it or check the answers in our next live session. 

Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Contemplating divorce

Assalaamu alaikum,

I would like to get your opinion on an undecided issue that has occupied me for a long time. I would be very happy if you could help.

Me and my wife got married 22 years ago and have a 19 year-old son. Unfortunately, some time after our marriage we realized that my wife and I were not compatible in education, culture, upbringing kid and religion. Although I am older, experienced, more sensitive to religious duties and much more educated than my wife, she always expected me to adapt to her own lifestyle, which I did not approve of. Even though I made concessions from time to time for the continuation of the marriage, I later realized that I had made a mistake. Because her lifestyle was far from a religious-integrated lifestyle (e.g. no 5 times prayer, no hijab, sincere communication with other men like her colleagues, relatives, etc). Because of this incompatibility, we had many arguments and thought of divorce a few times. However, respecting the hadith “Divorce is the most unpleasant thing in the sight of Allah”, we have given up divorce every time, in the hope that “incompatibility will decrease in time”. However, over time, these inconsistencies increased rather than decreasing, and our discussions got bigger. Parallel to the increase in these incompatibilities and arguments, the love, respect and sexual desires towards each other have decreased to almost non-existent. Especially, my sexual reluctance towards her has increased in the last few years and has reached the point where it can be said that it is almost non-existent. Since I no longer feel the desire to have sexual intercourse with her, I force myself to have sexual intercourse with her once a week or every 15 days in order to fulfill my responsibility towards my wife in this regard. For this purpose, I sometimes take special supplements before intercourse. In short, sexual intercourse with my wife gives me more distress than pleasure, which my wife is aware of. In addition, our marriage in general has become a kind of “marriage fatigue”.

On the other hand, unfortunately, since I have a high sensual character, I cannot prevent my soul from thinking bad things and doing sinful acts (for example, looking at haram, sometimes doing istimna a few times a week, etc.). I also worry that one day in the future I will follow the devil and turn to adultery.

I told my wife that “since we are not a compatible couple, we had constant arguments due to our growing and growing incompatibilities from the very beginning of our marriage, my love for her was gradually decreasing, and my sexual desire was almost completely lost. I said that I want to marry a second wife, but she did not accept this and said that in such a case, she would apply to court to divorce me.

In this case, I seriously started to consider divorcing and told her about it so that neither of us would argue further and commit sins. If we get divorced, we can both get rid of sin by marrying different people and fulfilling our sexual functions more often, and we can also benefit from the “goodness of sexual intercourse”. My wife does not want to divorce me, but left the final decision to me. I, on the other hand, cannot decide which approach would be more correct and beneficial, as I had a hard time deciding to end a 22-year marriage;

1) Continuing the marriage?

In that case, I would probably use pills, pastes, etc. to have sexual intercourse with him. I will continue to force myself using drugs. There may also be a risk of continuing sinful behavior such as looking at haram and istimna and perhaps even turning to bigger sins in the future.

or

2) Divorcing?

In this case, there is a possibility that both parties might marry someone else who is compatible with themselves, so that they will be happier both in general family life and sexuality, that both of us will get rid of the sensual sins that we have fallen into in our current marriage, and even “earn rewards by having intercourse between them (wife/husband) more often.” .

or

3) Marrying a second wife?

Since my wife will not accept this situation if she knows, without informing her. So, in order to not get her upset/crazy, I may look for marrying a second wife who lives in another city or country and is compatible with me in education, culture, religion, child rearing and sexuality (of course, if I come accross such a person), Although it would be too hard, I will try to treat them both fairly (apart from sex).

What should be the correct way from Islamic point of view, or what is your advice to me about this?

Since I have to go abroad for a long time for work these days, I want to make a decision and explain it to my wife before I go.

Thank you very much in advance, hope to hear from you soon. May Allah bless you. Best regards.

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah brother,

Thank you for writing and sharing your concern.

Well, from what you present here, it pretty much looks like you are aware of the nature and root of the problem and that you have spent time reflecting upon the situation.

This is a 22-year-old marriage, and according to you, you are not compatible with each other on many levels. This, of course, can lead to an unhappy marriage, especially if, despite many attempts, you are not able to get over the differences.

You said that you have tried to find solutions in the past and also contemplated divorce, but at the end decided not to end your marriage because of the hadith about how Allah dislikes it.

But by now, due to the incompatibilities, your dislike has reached a level where it seriously affects your intimacy with your wife, as you describe in detail.

Intimacy

Brother, intimacy is one of the pillars of marriage. Actually, from an Islamic perspective, it is the right of the husband to be able to satisfy his needs for intimacy in a marriage. If you want to know more about this, please write to our section, Ask the Scholar. This is the halal way to fulfill your natural desires, and it is also a protection to prevent him from going astray.

If there are problems with intimacy between the couple, it can seriously affect a marriage that otherwise works well. And vice versa, if there are problems in the marriage, soon or later it will affect the intimate life of the couple.

To be able to be intimate with your spouse, you need to be able to connect in a deeper, more emotional way, so naturally, existing conflict may manifest at this level first and with more intensity.

I do not know how your wife’s experience is, but according to your letter, you have serious difficulties with your willingness to connect with her anymore, and you need to “force yourself” to fulfill your marital obligations towards her. Even for that, you need to use medication.

I am really sorry that you have reached this point, and I think—as a counselor—that this is not healthy for your well-being.

Forcing upon yourself what is in reality against your heart and your willingness is not good for you. This is not what Islam says about an Islamic marriage. Marriage should not harm you, but the opposite, should bring tranquility and love for the spouses. Not to mention that, as a result, you cannot fulfill your healthy desires in this marriage, which leads you to sinful behavior.

So, what to do?

Brother, it would be ideal to listen to both parties and see how you and your wife see this situation. Why does she not want to divorce? Is she happy in a marriage like this? Or is perhaps her rejection driven by her uncertainties about the future? Why does she not want to accept a second wife if she knows that you have problems? Etc.

I cannot make a decision for you; you must consider your options and decide which one brings you closer to Allah, keeps you from sin, from harming yourself (and others), and provides you with psychological and emotional well-being.

1. Continuing the marriage as it is now is not, in the long run, a good idea unless you are

capable of generating change. First and foremost, in incompatibilities and misunderstandings, as this is the source of your problem, which eventually manifests in your intimate life.

This option would necessitate marriage counseling and the willingness to make efforts to work on a compromise and accept each other and the differences on both sides. In addition, honest discussions about your own feelings, the problems, and your needs in the marriage.

2. Brother, as far as I know, it is not haram to divorce due to incompatibilities. Please check

this with our scholar, here. If you have tried to reconcile your marriage and were not able to do so, and the conflicts have serious consequences for your marital life, cause you harm, or further lead you to sinful behavior, I believe that you can opt for divorce. 

3. Your wife said that she would not accept being a second wife. I’m not sure why you’re

considering this option. Do you still have feelings for her, or do you have some difficulties ending a two-decade-old relationship?

This is my personal opinion as a counselor, but I think that a second marriage will not solve the problems of the first. If there are issues in a marriage, it would be better to work on solving them than bring a second wife in.

Certainly, there are good first marriages when, due to some problems, a second wife can balance the situation. For example, if they cannot have children but still have a good and loving relationship. But in these cases, both the husband and first wife agree about the new marriage, which seems to me to not be your case.

Face Conflict and Express Your Feelings

You say that if you do not get her upset, you might look for someone abroad. Brother, maybe I am mistaken, but it seems that you have some difficulties confronting your wife and standing up for your stance.

I believe that sincerity will be critical in any decision you make. You need to express to her your feelings and the way you think and feel in this relationship. If she does not know how you feel, how can she change?

Also, you need to be strong to bear the conflict if you decide to divorce. It is not easy, I know. It is a long time together, but you also have to know that if you want to make changes in your life, you have to make sacrifices as well.

Try to write down the pros and cons of each option, considering the above-mentioned things. It may help you see with more clarity where your heart stands.

Also, some sessions of individual counseling about how to deal with this situation, beside a possible marital counseling can be useful.

May Allah help you with the decision, 

Question 2. Interfaith marriage and kids

Prior to marriage I broke up with him because I said we can’t raise children in Islam and I’d rather separate. I didn’t ask him to raise future kids Christian because I new it’s be unfair. So I walked away from our engagement. He came to me and begged me to marry him and that he has no problem raising kids Christian. I was still uncertain I was scared he would change his mind. So he promised he won’t and I said only if you are serious because I don’t want to have problems in the future. So we got married. 7 years later we had our first daughter. He still told me he has no problem of me taking her to church and raising her curtain. I was nervous but he kept saying I gave you my word as a man I will never change my mind. So for the last 3 years I’ve been taking her to church with me and teaching about Jesus and Christianity. He never complained. A year a ago we had a second child. In the last six he changed his mind out of no where and said I am not allowed to take them to church anymore and they are only his to teach religion. I’m not allowed to teach them anything. After so many years and so many promises, supporting me taking kids to church for 3 years and now flips the switch. And what’s worse he acts like everything is my fault because I said I can’t stop teaching them Christianity. Our whole marriage is based in this promise. My life feels manipulated and a lie. He is treating me so badly because I won’t just agree with him to make this drastic change. Even tho he made this huge mess of our family and is destroying us. Blaming me for his mistakes. He doesn’t see how dishonorable his behavior is. The is the biggest dishonor in my eyes. All online advice tells men to do everything in their power to stop wife’s influence and divorce her if needed. I think it’s not fair considering I did nothing wrong. I need real wise advice that will consider how I was led on for 10 years. Non biased advice that doesn’t take my husband’s side just because he is Muslim. How do I help him see the error of what’s he done and how he is the one tearing apart the family. What is your advice of this situation. He is treating me like I’m the enemy. Should I not have rights to still teach my children about Christianity too since that’s what I’ve been doing under his approval for so many years.

Salam alaikom, Peace be upon you, dear sister,

Thank you so much for turning to us for advice. You are a Christian woman and you are married to a Muslim man, who promised you at the beginning of your marriage that he would let your kids be raised as Christians.

This was a very crucial issue for you, and he had no problem with it until recent times. Now he apparently has changed his mind and does not let you to teach anything about your faith to your kids. You feel that you are being manipulated and lied to, and his behavior is dishonorable.

Dear sister, I understand completely why you are feeling this way. Especially that it seems that you were considering this potential conflict in the future, but he assured you that he would fulfill his promise.

In this situation, it would be ideal if I could address the two parties and listen to both sides. I hope my answer can at least bring you some peace and relief.

Although I haven’t heard the story from his point of view, I have the feeling that this change has occurred due to his better understanding of his own religion.

Let me explain to you briefly what our religion teaches about interfaith marriages.

Muslim men are allowed to marry the women of the two other Abrahamic faiths (The People of the Book), namely practicing Jews and Christians.

 “This day are (all) things good and pure made lawful unto you. The food of the People of the Book is lawful unto you and yours is lawful unto them. (Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only) chaste women who are believers, but chaste women among the People of the Book,” (Quran 5:5)

The three religions have common roots and many similarities, both in religious teachings and in values. Certainly, there are some theological differences as well, for example, in relation to Jesus, who is one of the most respected prophets for us Muslims, along with his mother, Mary. You can read more about it here and here and here and here .

In these interfaith marriages our religion commands “freedom” to the wife to practice her Chrisitan beliefs:

“There shall be no compulsion in matters of faith.” (2:256)

She enjoys the same rights as a Muslim wife. There has to be a mutual respect for each other’s faith in the marriage, seeking always compromise and understanding for the sake of God.

However, when it comes to the issue of kids, our religion says that the kids have to be raised as Muslims.

“O believers! Protect yourselves and your families from a Fire” (Quran 66:6)

And in a narration:

 “All of you are shepherds and each of you is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of the people of his house and he is responsible.” Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 212

Parents has to do their best to teach Islam to their kids, even in an interfaith marriage.

This certainly requires a mutual understanding and acceptance of this principle, ideally before marriage, in order to avoid clashes and conflict in the future.

Sister, from what I understand about the promises of your husband prior to marriage and during the first years, he had no awareness of this religious duty from his side.

God knows best, but I am not supposing, to be honest, that he intentionally disregarded this aspect, but rather that he had no idea about it, which is very common, unfortunately.

Many Muslims (and maybe many Christians) have no complete understanding of their faith and religious duties, but later, at some point in their lives, they start to gain more awareness and knowledge about them. Maybe he read something online, or maybe their relationship with God started to gain more importance in his life.

So, when he clashes you because of you are not agreeing with this drastic change, it is probably his own conflict with his past because by now he gained more God consciousness and he fears disobeying God.

So, with this being said, I do not think that this is about not keeping a promise and lying, although this is what it looks like on the surface.

But try to turn the table and imagine that after years of marriage you realize that you promised something, maybe with your best intentions, that is against the teachings of your religion. Would you stick to the promise or to your religion?

Could he have done this better without blaming you and treating you badly? Certainly, yes. Should he have informed himself more and then you about his religious obligations regarding his kids before entering an interfaith marriage? Absolutely.

Sister, I know that this change is unexpected for you and therefore causes a lot of distress, but let me advise you the following:

Try to understand him as a believer. If for you your faith is important, and you try to practice it as your best, I am sure that you can understand that he is trying to do the same.

Sit down and talk to each other honestly in a calm and loving moment. Ask him, but without getting too emotional and blaming, whether this change has to do with his increased knowledge about Islam.

If he did not know this when he got married to you, please try to forgive him. Sister, if you are a practicing Christian, I am sure you know that we all make mistakes and that, by the will of God, our spirituality and faith may increase with time. Hopefully he also repents for his mistake, and will be more understanding of the causes of your distress. 

Focus on the love for each other

You do not go into detail, but if your marriage and family life are happy and fulfilling, and you love each other, this is a strong foundation, thanks to God.

You are husband and wife, and your faith should provide you with mutual respect and love and mercy for each other and not enmity. 

Look at what Islam says about marriage:

 “And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell with them in tranquility, and He has put love and mercy between you…” (Quran 30:21)

There are many common things in our religion, and I am sure that if you look at it with an open heart, you will also realize that it is not as “scary” as it first appears. This is certainly not a threat to the spiritual well-being of your kids.

Try to reach a mutual agreement about how to compromise your faiths when you teach your kids.

Make a list of what are the main issues. Diet with no pork? Attending church or masjid? Dealing with holidays like Christmas, for example? Then I encourage you to learn more about these issues from an Islamic point of view to see the wisdom behind them and the benefits.

For this, your husband also needs to be more open. He needs to learn more about your religion as well as his own, and understand that while he cannot compromise his basic religious duty of child rearing, he can be more flexible with you and your faith in certain areas.

And I think this applies to you too. You also need to accept the fact that you chose an interfaith marriage and that any stage of a marriage could bring certain challenges.

It does not mean that people who marry form the same faith does not face difficulty regarding their spirituality and values when it comes to their children’s upbringing. There are many ways nowadays that spouses clash because of their values. Imagine an atheist spouse, for example, who denies even the existence of God and this is what teaches to his kids!

So, look at the positive side of the story and focus on the common ground: you are both believers; you believe in the same God, the God of Prophet Abraham; you both love and respect Jesus and his mother; you share similar values about right and wrong and morality. That is a huge blessing, and if you also have a fulfilling, happy marital and family life, there is no need to be concerned about your children. 

I also advise you to check out the articles on our site, as there are plenty of good resources on this topic. Here are some: this, this, this.

There are many interfaith marriages that work very well, so I hope yours will be one of them.

Wishing you the best,

Question 3. Controlling mom

I’m 15 years old, and I currently live in UAE. My mom is very religious, but she uses religion to threaten me and insult me. I started growing facial hair long ago, and she makes me wait many days before shaving it. She does not have anything against shaving it (her own brothers and father did it) but she starts hitting me if she catches me doing it without asking her, and insults me by claiming that I’m gonna become gay by shaving so much. I don’t know what her actual reason is, but she claims shaving everyday harms your skin. That might be true, but my dad does the same, and so does every other boy in all of the schools I’ve gone to.

It’s not only shaving, it’s also things like showering. She times how long I take to shower and closes the lights if I take too long in her opinion. She hits me when I get out of the shower, and grounds me and confiscates things. I have to ask her before showering, or else she gets angry.

I do not use significant time on either of these things, seeing as I hand in assignments on time and I have time to study for tests, and I usually get good marks in these tests. These arguments take up too much time off my day, and are causing me great distress.

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah brother,

Thank you for writing. Your concern is related to your mother, whom you see as very controlling. You mention issues about shaving your facial hair and about how many times you spend in the shower. When she thinks that you spend too much time with these things, she turns the lights off, hits you, grounds you, and confiscates your things.

Brother, I am really sorry. It seems to me that your mother has some fears, and she acts upon her frustration and distress with harsh behavior.

Which, nonetheless, is not right. Especially since she is being violent and hitting you.

It would be great to hear her story. What makes her insecure about you? What are her fears?

I am not sure, but I have the feeling that it has to do—maybe—with you being in the middle of puberty, which is also the time of sexual maturation. You are growing to become an adult man, and there are many changes going on in your body.

I am sure that your mother loves you and wants to protect you, but probably she has difficulties articulating her worries in a proper way. She may be worried about you, but I am not sure whether she is open in her communication enough.

Shaving and having shower

Brother, of course, shaving your facial hair is a very normal routine for men. Yes, the razor may “harm” your face, but there are plenty of products you can use to nourish and take care of your skin.

And the insult is that “you gonna become gay if you shave too much” a statement without any “scientific” evidence. However, it may be related to some of her fears. I am not sure, but maybe she has an assumption that if you spend too much time with self-care, it can affect your sexual orientation. I do not know where this assumption came from. It can be something she heard around, or she assumes, or a cultural belief perhaps.

Communication

Sincere and open communication is very important in a family. There can be “male” issues that your mother may feel uncomfortable talking about. You say that she is very religious, and this can explain why she might feel ashamed to talk about some issues.

Some families have more open communication, while others treat certain topics, especially those related to puberty and sexuality, as taboo and feel ashamed to talk about them.

You do not mention your father, so I am not sure whether they provided you with guidance during these years. Is there anyone you can discuss these issues with?

Talk to your mother

Brother, it would be great to hear your mother’s side about what exactly she is worried about.

What I kindly advise you to do is to talk to her in a calm and loving moment. Let her know that her treatment really makes you feel hurt. Ask her kindly to share with you what her worries really are. Try to be the one who encourages openness and sincerity in your relationship.

She might realize that she needs to adjust her parenting approach and realize that this behavior will not solve any problems but can create distance between you. She may fear Allah for you and try to protect you from any negative influence that can affect your faith. Her intentions are perhaps good, but she would need to adjust the way she acts upon them.

She needs to learn to handle her frustration, and one way is through sincere communication. It is OK that she worries for your physical and emotional safety and for your religiosity, but it is not OK that she tries to manage this with physical violence. 

If she is violent with you in the future, please remind her that this is not how Allah commands us to treat our children. Although it may be a cultural tradition, it is still un-Islamic. If she fears Allah, she needs to learn more self-control and find other ways to handle her frustration in moments of conflict. 

Learn together, involve your father in your education

Try to reassure her that you love her and there is nothing to worry about. She might need to educate herself about puberty and the normal changes men go through to be able to let go of her fears and beliefs that are a bit irrational. And if your father is involved, that is even better.

You can encourage her to join an Islamic parenting group online, where she can learn from other mothers from all around the world who might have a different perspective on child upbringing.

Bonding with her

I encourage you to be sincere and open with her and share with her what is going on with you nowadays. She might feel that she does not know what is happening to you as you get older and more independent. She is your mother, so hopefully you can share genuine conversations and bonding moments while also being “friends.” 

I hope these tips will help you, may Allah help you,

Question 4. Engagement Break Struggles