My family doesn’t want to help me because in their eyes I should wait until I have my university master degree and work 2-3 years before marrying. (Right now I earn enough to feed a family). They don’t want to accept that I want to create a family on my own and that I have needs. Is 30 ok in their eyes? I talked a lot of times to them.
I also have an older sister, but she also says that I have to wait until I am 30 years old. She is not that religious but has some girlfriends. But she doesn’t want me to get to know them.
I have to say that she is a feminist and doesn’t really like me. Seeing me struggling makes her happy. I don’t have any other family here. There are in Turkey, but they don’t like us because we are not real Muslims in their eyes.
Because of my university and career, I moved a lot from one city to another. That means I don’t have any male friends here. Once I met a Muslim girl with hijab, but she says that she wants a Muslim “bad boy”. For her, a man has to make zina because that means he is a real man. I am weak in her eyes.
I met another Muslim girl saying similar things. For them, it is necessary for a guy to have a bad background because that makes them attractive. You may say now, brother, not every girl is like these ones, but my experience says something else. I am not the only one complaining about this issue.
I am a decent guy trying not to sin. But what kind of religion is this to make it so hard for me to find someone? I started keeping a distance from this religion. You guys are my last hope.
I can’t go to a psychologist because there are no Muslim psychologists here. I am lonely because I have no one to talk to. I am depressed all day. The Imam I met at the mesjid doesn’t want to be disturbed by things like mine.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• It may be possible that you are not looking in the right places.
• If you feel that it is becoming incessantly hard for you to live like this, make it an issue with your family so that they take you seriously.
• Please be assured that Allah SWT has the right plan and the right time for everything!
• Have good friendships and people who you can talk to. You could also try to make friendships with men at the mosque.
• You may also try registering yourself at some Muslim matrimonial sites that could lead you to find the right spouse.
As-Salamu Alaikum Brother,
I am sorry to hear about your situation! From your post, I understand that you have needs and you have a strong desire to marry a religious girl. However, you are not able to find an appropriate girl for marriage since the girls you meet want you to commit zina before entering into matrimony (Astaghfirullah!).
You have also mentioned that you are 25 years old, and although you are earning enough money to feed and provide for a family of your own, your parents want you to complete a Master’s degree and be working for 2 to 3 years before you marry someone. Therefore, they are not willing to help you find the right girl.
In addition, you are also depressed and lonely since you do not have any male friends due to moving a lot during your studies.
Brother, the dilemma you are facing is, indeed, very significant. A lot of times parents fail to recognize that children too have needs as they grow up into young adults. Parents usually carry the old-school mindset that one must achieve this or that before starting one’s own family.
MashaAllah, you are a strong and pious young man who is waiting for the right girl to start your family. You are absolutely right in doing so!
The reason is that the woman (or your future wife) will form a huge part of your future family. Only if she has a good knowledge of Deen will she be able to transfer it into your offspring, InshaAllah.
According to a Hadith,
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” [Bukhari, Muslim]
Have Patience and Trust Allah SWT
Brother, please be assured that Allah SWT has the right plan and the right time for everything!
In the Quran Allah says,
“And (have We not) created you in pairs?” [78:8]
Allah SWT has definitely created someone who is worthy of you, and you worthy of her, InshaAllah. It is just that perhaps you need to wait for a while and keep praying to Allah SWT for His guidance and mercy.
Further, in the Quran, Allah SWT also says,
“Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness, and a provision honorable”. [24:26]
This verse clearly points out that Allah SWT has created pious women for pious men, and impure women for impure men. Therefore, if you have encountered women who wanted to commit Zina before marriage were clearly impure and not meant for you.
This Life Is a Test
Brother, let me also point out that this life is a “test” where Allah SWT tests us all in different ways. For some of us, Allah SWT may test us by health, or wealth, or children while some by hunger and sexual needs and drives. The essence in each of these tests is the same – that is, how well we persevere and maintain our faith in our Creator.
Also, remember that Allah SWT will reward us for staying within the limits prescribed by Allah SWT; not only in the Hereafter but also in this world.
Communicate Clearly About Your Needs to Parents
If you feel that it is becoming incessantly hard for you to live like this, make it an issue with your family so that they take you seriously.
Check out this counseling video:
It is possible that your parents dismiss your feelings because they feel that you are not too serious, or that you can wait if they tell you to. Make it a point that they understand your needs and that living on your own is affecting you adversely. Perhaps that way, they might consider arranging a relationship within the family or in their social circle.
Make Friendships with Religious Men of Your Age
You have also mentioned that you are depressed and lonely and that you also lack male friendships. It may be good if you start working on that. For instance, you could try making friendships with young men around your age. This would help not in the sense that it would divert your attention, but you would also feel less lonely and be able to share your thoughts and feelings with other people.
It is evident from your post that you are not able to communicate with the people around you, for instance, your sister, as you think she has different values. It is essential to have good friendships and people who you can talk to. You could also try to make friendships with men at the mosque.
Look in the Right Places
You say you feel there is no woman who is religious in the western society who you may marry. It may be possible that you are not looking in the right places. For instance, perhaps the “pious” woman has not exposed herself to men at all. You may be led to them through men at the mosque or other Muslim men (who could have sisters, daughters or cousins).
Furthermore, you may also try registering yourself at some Muslim matrimonial sites that could lead you to find the right spouse, InshaAllah.
Similarly, you may try finding a Muslim matchmaker in your community.
Ask Allah SWT for Guidance
Brother, it is also important to understand that marriage is a life-long commitment. Therefore, refrain from making a hurried decision. When choosing a spouse, do pray Istikhara and ask Allah SWT for guidance and help so that He helps you find the perfect wife for you who is not only a source of peace and comfort for you in this world but also in the Hereafter, InshaAllah.
Salam,
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