I am 20 years old. I met a guy and we have been in a relationship for 2 years. We have committed zina many times. He told me he would marry me. When he came to meet me and ask my mother for my hand for marriage recently, I got to know many things about him.
He used to do sex chat and was meeting with many girls and married women. I saw many nude pics of other girls in his cell phone. But he said sorry and he promised that he would never do anything, and that he would marry me soon, so I gave him a 2nd chance.
Then he talked to his parents about me, but they have refused our marriage. They said because of cultural problems. We are both Sunni Muslims. I do not understand! The guy is planning to run away from them and marry me.
He's 29 and divorced. I accepted him because I really love him. His father does not allow us to talk. His father told my mother that he was getting engaged to someone else. I have become helpless. His family completely refuses our marriage.
I even told them that we had committed zina. But still, they are blaming me that I am a bad person, that I forced him to do everything. I badly want him in my life. The guy used to say he would marry me with or without his parents’ approval. But now when I’m trying so hard to contact him, his siblings are stopping me and saying they are not interested.
The guy is now saying that without his parents’ permission he can’t do anything. I wasted my 2 years. He told he wanted to marry me before my UG studies. But now I’m helpless. I can’t talk to him. I am not getting any straight response from them; they are all just fooling me. I am so much confused. Only because of him I committed zina before marriage, because he told me we would marry soon. I don’t know what to do.
Answer
As-Salam ‘Aleikom sister,
Thank you for writing to us about your problem. I can understand that it may be stressful for you to go through such a hardship at the moment. I will try to advice you the best I can, in sha’ Allah.
Zina
First of all, you should understand that the evil act of zina is one of the greatest sins that Allah (swt) forbids to His slaves. He (swt) has highlighted to them its evil consequences. Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an:
“And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way.” (17:32)
Before answering your question, I must remind you that it is obligatory to repent and regret what you have done with this man because you have fallen into a major sin. What you have to do is repent sincerely from what you have done and cut off ties completely with this man. It is actually not permissible for you to talk or correspond with him, according to the teachings of Islam. Allah (swt) says in the Qur’an:
“O you who have believed, repent to Allah with sincere repentance. Perhaps your Lord will remove from you your misdeeds and admit you into gardens beneath which rivers flow [on] the Day when Allah will not disgrace the Prophet and those who believed with him…” (66:8)
The first mistake both of you made was to tell your parents about the zina. You should have repented to Allah (swt) and kept it a secret. Usually, no Muslim parents wants a daughter-in-law who has committed zina with their son before marriage. You must understand that it will be hard for his parents to accept their daughter-in-law to be someone who has committed zina with their son. However, let’s not forget that he is an equal sinner and, thus, should repent, too.
Check out this counseling video:
Character
From what you have described about him, he seems to be a person who easily gets into sins. Even if he promised you that he would not do what he did in the past with other women (sex chat with married women), how can you trust him? Maybe he will be truthful and won’t do anything haraam if you both get married, but can you ever surely trust him? I don’t think you can.
I advise you to not beg him to marry you or to talk to him until he talks to his parents properly. It is his job to persuade his parents to agree to this marriage, and I am sure if he really wants to marry you, he will be able to get his parents’ consent. Leave this matter up to him now; don’t push it! Give his parents and him some time, and if he still can’t make them agree to marry you, then it is not worth it.
Family
Parents in the culture you live in have a huge impact on the relationship of their son and daughter-in-law. They can be difficult after marriage and give you a hard time. Therefore, I advise you to stay strong at this time, even if it seems to be hard. You both like each other, and if he wants to be with you, then he should be able to convince his parents.
Do not do anything wrong, or haram, or one that would bring shame to your family and make you feel guilty and sinful in front of Allah (swt). Always remember that if to him family wishes are important, then you should also not do anything that brings pain to your family.
Conclusion
Whatever has happened can’t be changed now. But I wouldn’t suggest going through with this marriage, unless he stands up for you. The only solution that I can see is that you stop talking to him completely.
When he is ready to go ahead and marry you, he can contact your father. Any further personal contact with him is not Islamically allowed. He can marry you and still be a respectful, loving, and caring son. He simply needs the conviction that this is possible.
May Allah (swt) ease your difficulties and bring peace to you.
Ameen,
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