03 December, 2017
Q
Salam. I live in Europe, and I’m engaged for 3 years, but I have a lot of problems with my fiancé. Actually, he is not the problem; I’m the problem. I have been waiting for things to get better, but I have not seen any changes, and I have just been hurting other people. Everyone wants me to make a decision, but I can’t. My family and relatives have been waiting for an answer. I’m so confused.When I was 16-17 years old, this guy, who is my cousin, proposed to me. He used to live in Iran. I don’t know why, but I didn’t want to marry him even though I had not met him or talked to him. I was hoping to engage with someone else, not my cousin. When I graduated from high school, I felt everyone was pushing me. They asked me why I was not getting engaged, I was getting old, and so on. I used to cry when I was alone. I hoped for a good proposal.When I was 20 years, my mother forced me to go for a trip to Iran and Afghanistan. I had my 2 cousins in Iran, and my mother wanted me to meet them as she hoped to marry me off to one of them. I was so sad and afraid. They wanted to force me to engage to the younger cousin, but since I started crying, my mother refused. I felt God was punishing me for not choosing the other one, so I agreed and got engaged to him. I preferred marrying him than the younger one. At the airport, we talked for a while, but I did not feel happy.I came home, and he used to call me. Every day, my hatred to him grew. One year later, he came to Sweden. I didn’t want to sign the paper, but my family convinced me because they thought things would get better. Now 2.5 years have gone since he is here, but I’m not in touch with him. I avoid him as much as I can. I think I have spent 1-2 days with him since he came. I don’t know why, but I don’t want to be with him. I’m engaged, but we signed the marriage contract so he could come to Sweden.I feel so sad. I wish to marry someone who is from here and his family is here, too. I always wanted to marry someone and live with him and his family. But nothing happened as I had hoped for. My family says we can break up the engagement, but I feel so sad; I don’t want him to be here. In February, his permission will expire, and I have to request at the police station that he can stay. If I tell them we are a happy couple, they will give him the permission forever. I think it’s so hard to live close in the same city to someone you have been engaged with. He can’t go to Iran because they won’t let him work there.I hate that I treat him bad; I don’t talk to him, and I avoid him, but I can’t help. Any advice? My mother is in pain, too; she regrets she forced me. She thought I would love him because he is good looking and smart. I don’t want to hurt my family; therefore, I have been in patience for the last 3 years. I’m so afraid now. Please, advise. Thanks. May Allah reward you.
Answer
Answer:
As–Salamu `Alaikum,
Dear sister, thank you for writing us with your question. It is a bit difficult from this end to understand why you are not interested in marrying this man. Is it because he was arranged by your family? I didn’t get a clear picture of that from your question.
I think you need to realize that this marriage is not going to work, and you should not go through with it. It might hurt a bit now, but imagine how much it will hurt later when you are married, and you realize you do not want to be with this man. It will be much worse, especially if you have already started a family.
Unless you can find a way and a reason to proceed, I think you need to be honest with yourself, your family, and your fiancée, and do what you must do. Before you do that, though, you may want to try and meet him once more to get confirmation that you definitely do not want to marry him.
It is unfair to everyone involved to keep dragging the situation on, especially since the man involved has made a lot of sacrifices. Please find a way, to be honest about the matter and do what must be done.
That, right now, is the best advice I feel I can offer you. You should not rest on it alone but seek the wisdom and help of others as well. We are only able to advise you based on the information provided in the manner in which it is provided.
Please also make sure to be using your prayers and make istikharah prayer frequently. All matters are from Allah and right guidance is through Him alone. You need to be in constant reliance on Allah for help in this situation, and be honest with what your heart tells you. Don’t be afraid to act despite the initial pain and discomfort. Sometimes, the truth can be painful at first, but in sha’ Allah, it will be the right move in the end.
I would rarely advise someone to divorce as it is the most despised of the lawful matters in the eyes of Allah. However, in your situation, a marriage took place under somewhat disingenuous circumstances. That being the case, I am not necessarily advising you to divorce, but you need to consider what is best in the long run. Ultimately, it is, of course, up to you to decide what to do.
And Allah knows best.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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