I Feel Dirty for Having This Relationship

31 December, 2016
Q As-Salam Alaikum dear counselors. I am a born Muslimah from a very conservative Muslim family. Alhamdulillah, I have always been observant and good in my faith. I considered myself pure, but I had encountered myself in a situation; I think I fell in love with a man who is not ready to marry me. Yet he has introduced me to the pleasures shared between a man and his wife. I haven’t committed zina (fornication) yet (Alhamdulillah), but we have committed sins. It was my first time. He is also a Muslim, but he is vastly experienced sexually. I have come to a point where I think I am doomed. I know what I am doing is wrong and haram (prohibited by Islam). Yet I see myself going to him from time to time. Is there any hope for me? Can I ever start again a life where I won’t feel this dirty?



As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear Sister,

Of course, there is a way out, yet it requires such a hard work to be seen, and a full readiness from your side to be attained.

I am fully aware of how you feel about yourself, but let me tell you this “We are all humans, and we all make mistakes”; however, one of the gravest mistakes humans do is manipulating this phrase itself.

Some humans – regardless what religion they belong to- are so skillful at using this phrase to do whatever it takes to suck pleasure in this universe; moreover, they are the ones who feel little to no guilt at all –cold hearted attitude- not only because they manipulate the mentioned phrase, but because they feel bad to feel good.

God would forgive when you show the sincere positive grief because, psychologically, there is a negative feeling of dirt and a positive one.

When Feeling Dirty is Positive

The negative feeling is the feeling that is used as a defense mechanism to deactivate the change. Usually, there is something in you that is not happy with your sins, so you feel bad about it, and then you feel good, content, and satisfied about feeling bad about it. As if this is all what you need to do. The more you feel dirty, the more you feel good.

Considering the above, you do the sin knowing that all what it takes is to feel dirty. Over time, some people enjoy feeling dirty because it liberates them from guilt. So, you have to be aware of how things work psychologically to avoid being fooled. The positive side of feeling dirty, on the other hand, is the feeling that gives you the power needed to change.

Desire Isn’t Love

Let me loudly disagree with using the word ‘love’ in this conversation because love has nothing to do with what has happened. We can call it desire, animalistic need may be (which we all have by the way.) I am saying this because I feel sorry for this pretty word that have been abused, misused, and hijacked.

When you violate all ethical rules and betray your family members by going to him; however, when this happens from time to time, you have to know that love was not in the picture at all.

My role as a counselor is to prevent you from any illusion that may take place since awareness is the first step in any process of change. The word love has a lot to do with purity, honesty, and mutual goodness. So, I am wondering where the word love fits in such a relation if he was not ready to marry you.

I am stating the above to mirror the truth in your face may be it will help you. Mirror does not tell you what to do, yet it projects the truth that you are living in unconsciously; in another word, it takes you from the denial to the awareness, and it is up to you to take the necessary action(s).

Price of Repentance is Simple

Finally, I want to assure you that God is awaiting your repentance every day and every night, but you need to embrace His mercy before your heart is blocked and you have no more control over it. You should always remember the narration of this man who killed a hundred souls, and then he asked a scholar if there was any way out. “Would God accept my repentance?” – he asked. The answer was, yes – but you need to leave your city and to go to a new one. This condition was very symbolic since it shows to all sinners that no matter how bad you were, there is always a chance if you are wholly ready to pay the price. And the price is so simple.

Just depart from anything that reminds you of your past because if you won’t, you will keep swinging back and forth, and feeling dirty won’t help at this point.



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About Mohamed Wadeed Gouda
Mohamed Wadeed Gouda obtained his Masters in Mental Health Counseling and Psychotherapy from Rhode Island College, U.S. He obtained his Masters in Islamic Philosophy from Cairo University, Bachelor of Arts in Arabic Language and Islamic Studies from Cairo University. He is an associate member of the American Counseling Association, and the American Psychological Association.