In the beginning, I told him that I was not interested in any relationship. I just wanted to be friends. He said it was not possible and we broke our relationship.
During the one year or so of this relationship, we broke up twice or thrice but contacted each other again. We live miles away from each other as we reside in different countries. We only met four or five times when I visited his country and when he visited my country.
He visited me earlier this month, but he became annoyed over a tiny matter which angered me. After he went back home and settled there, I told him that we would never be on the same page, his expectations are too high from me, he makes issues out of small things and it’s better that we part our ways on a good note since it’s important that our families accept each other if we want to get married - which is highly unlikely.
What bothers me is that I feel that I have broken his heart which was never my intention. I felt bad as well as heartbroken when he said to me that he was never my priority. It was always my work and that I have left him in the middle of nowhere.
I feel miserable now.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• You can use your experience to learn and create a better and more positive experience for the future.
• When you are ready to seek marriage, do things in the correct way right from the start.
• Remember that he also had his own part to play in this and must deal with the consequences on his side.
• The best and most important thing you can do at this point is to turn to Allah.
• In the meantime, try to not allow what has happened to distract you from other things in your daily life.
Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh sister,
Let me reassure that you did the correct thing by breaking this relationship off. Even though most of the contact was not in direct contact, it is still not permissible to have such relationships with people outside of marriage.
As you have witnessed, such a relationship has led you to the development of deeper feelings and eventually to heartache for both of you. It is for the very reasons why such relationships are not acceptable.
However, there is nothing that can be done at this point to take this back as the damage has already been done.
Now, focus on where you go next and how you overcome the difficulties and your feelings you have after breaking up with this boy.
Firstly, in the long term, you can use your experience to learn and create a better and more positive experience for the future.
You have now learned about how quickly strong emotions can emerge when having one to one contact with someone of the opposite sex.
It probably also gives you an idea of what exactly you would like in a spouse when you seek marriage as well as understanding how your approach to married life could affect him too, especially if your work is also important to you.
Due to this learning curve, you have been through, you are now equipped with more knowledge and experience in how to better approach marriage in line with Islamic values.
It may have been a painful experience for you to reach this place, but alhamdulillah, this will deter you from going about it in an inappropriate way and instead encourage you to go about it in the correct way for the sake of Allah, as well as your own happiness also.
When you are ready to seek marriage, do things in the correct way right from the start.
You can make this easier in yourself by perhaps getting your parents involved in helping you to find a spouse. This way you are less likely to engage in haram as they are part of the process.
You can also be more confident that they will also be satisfied with your choice of spouse. All of which will provide a positive start to potential marriage.
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As much as you probably feel that you would like to comfort him, it is best advised not to. If you do, he could lead to rekindling old feelings and send you on the same path that you have already followed.
The best and most important thing you can do at this point is to turn to Allah, firstly in asking for forgiveness for your previous anxious and do so with conviction in His Mercy. Part of this, of course, will be abstaining from doing the same things again. Continue to turn to Him and find comfort Inn His remembrance.
Even though it not recommended for you to talk to this man directly, you can still pray for him that Allah will also make things easier for him and guide him also and do so with conviction in Allah’s Mercy.
Right now, the feelings will be very fresh and raw for both of you, so emotions will be heightened and the negative feelings will be at their strongest. In time yours, as well as his feelings will eventually subside making a way for more positive emotions that will clear the way to move on successfully.
As much as you feel bad and responsible for the way he feels, remember that he also had his own part to play in this and must deal with the consequences on his side.
Whilst you can’t be there to comfort his feelings, try to find comfort in your faith in Allah’s ability to bring ease to him and that the moment will also pass for him, as it will you. You do not need to carry the burden of his own feelings as he was an equal part in this.
In the meantime, try to not allow what has happened to distract you from other things in your daily life. These will be the things that help to keep you moving forward and away from what has happened.
May Allah bring you both ease and guide you on the straight pathfinding happiness and contentment in His Mercy,
Amen,
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