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My Mother Is Too Critical; How to Deal with Her?

31 August, 2022
Q Al Salam Alaykum, I really hope I can get some advice about the problems I’m having.

I grew up in a loving home alhamdulillah with my parents and siblings and until now we all live together. I’m the middle child of 5 and the oldest daughter. My parents always do their best to help us become the best Muslims we can be and I appreciate that but ever since I was 14, I started having problems with my mom.

They weren’t anything big. We disagreed on things like cleaning and the responsibilities I’m supposed to have as a girl and the oldest daughter and such but as we went on they kept repeating.

My dad always tells us that he wants to be different from his parents by giving us the chance to speak our mind in certain situations as long as we are respectful and he says my mom wants that too so I always spoke my mind with my mom respectfully.

However, the things we argued about were things where it didn’t matter whether I did it my mom’s way or not, in the end I’m getting it done but my mom was like no I have to do it her way. I tried thinking why she said that but, in the end, after it repeated so much I just couldn’t help but think that she is just saying it without any reason and she wants me to do it her way. Maybe she thinks it's the easier way to do it but there was no reason to force it.

Anyways since then me and my mom's relationship has only worsened. She is always comparing me with other people and says that if I don’t do this or that then other people will start speaking bad of me. I tried telling her that comparing me with other people will not change anything because I cannot be the same as anyone else.

It may seem like there isn’t anything wrong but this has been repeating for years now and I cannot think positively about my mom anymore. Anytime she tells me something or she repeats something or she complains about something I automatically think she is doing it for negative reasons.

Most problems happen if I sit on my phone without finishing my chores so I tried finishing everything before sitting down but she still just keeps lecturing me every time I sit down about I should be and how others my age act to the point that now I don’t even sit downstairs when my mom is sitting there and I don’t go out of the house when my mom is going out so that I can sit in peace.

There is not a time I can just sit down and have a conversation with my parents or siblings without my mom coming and giving me a lecture saying I should be sitting down like I have nothing to do, I should get up and do chores that I didn’t finish like organizing the closet or learning how to cook something new.

I understand those things are important but those are not all the things I should be doing. I want to finish my chores so that I can have time to myself or have time to talk with my siblings or to do something I like. But I can’t, my oldest brother told me that I shouldn’t take the things my mom says to heart because that’s the reason I end up upset everyone we argue. I tried that but I couldn’t do it. It’s hard to not be hurt emotionally with all the things she says.

Sometimes I look at other people and think to myself why I can’t live happily at home like that. Why can't I have a good relationship with my mom? Why can't I feel at peace in my own home?

I tried staying quiet when my mom was lecturing me. I tried telling my mom how her words make me feel but that only makes the problem worse because she gets angrier. I tried not staying at home by going to a Quran class three days of the week and the weekend instead of just on the weekend. I tried sitting in my room when my mom was downstairs. And I tried so many other things but nothing is helping.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts but then I dismiss them thinking that it’s haram. I sometimes think I should just leave the house and live somewhere alone since I can’t just end my life but then I know that’s a sin as well. So the only thing I do is sleep to avoid everything.

I always find myself doubting everything I say to my mom because I think maybe she is right. Maybe I’m sinning right now by not obeying my mom. Maybe she only has my best interests in mind but I can’t see that but I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong because Allah(swt) says to obey the parents and especially the mother. I don’t know anymore.

I have no one to talk to so I really hope I can get some advice and counseling.

Answer

From your perspective, the behavior of your mother sounds unfair. But what about checking the story from another angle?

Is there anyone in the household who thinks that your mother mistreats you?

How do others around you see this situation? 

Talk to your mother. Explain that it’s not what she wants but the way she says it that makes you feel hurt.  

How to respond to disrespectful parents? Check out Sr. Hannah’s advice here

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Read more from Sr. Hannah:

Emotional Intelligence in Marriage – A Counselor’s Tips

Prayer Movements Reduce Back Pain

Is Faith the Ultimate Solution to All Mental Health Issues?

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)