I just wish they'd be kind to me sometimes when I need help or want to talk about things but they always get angry when I'm upset. My mother thinks I'm trying to play the victim every time I cry even though I only cry in front of her because I need someone's help. I feel awful and have felt this way ever since I was a child. I'm scared to speak to them and try to stay away at home. I stay in my room and study when I can and that's all I do most of the time..
I'm not allowed to have many friends unless it's a family friend because they won't approve of anyone; if my friends don't wear abaya for example (even if they wear modest clothing and hijab) my parents won't like them..
I hate it when they judge my friends for not being perfect; I know they just don't want me to be influenced in a bad way but it's awful how they just decide whether someone loves Allah and religion just by looking at them..
Even, I am not allowed to wear anything except a plain black abaya - not even a long dress..
I feel really alone now. I've spoken to my parents and told them I really want to fix things, that I want to feel safe at home like my friends do. I don't want to dread the weekends and the holidays like I do now. My mother got very angry and told me I was being unislamic, that the only Islamic way to deal with sadness was to pray and read Qur'an. She does not want to help me because she says I don't deserve it after I've lied about who I am and where I've gone at times in the past. I'm just so scared to tell them anything about myself in case they get mad at me for it... I don't know what to do anymore..
I pray that Allah will help me out of this, to escape from here but I'm not sure whether or not it is right to blame my parents. I know I've done awful things but I truly believe I'd be able to change if I just felt like I had a loving home to go to. All I want is a family like everyone else I know but my mother says I ask for too much, that life isn't all rainbows and butterflies and that I shouldn't expect people to love me - not even them..
Everyone always says "no matter what they say, your parents still love you" but it feels so useless to hear that because no matter how hard I beg for them to just give me a hug or listen to me it always backfires. My youngest sibling is shoved and pushed around a lot of the time and I can see the toll it's taking on her, she's starting to hit people a lot more and so she gets yelled at even worse each time. All I hear most of the day is her crying and I feel awful. I have other siblings too, but they're older and already awful in so many different ways. Violent at times, unloving and untrustworthy..
If my parents really loved us would they have let us grow into these kinds of people?.
Sometimes I wish I could just leave but I know there's nowhere for me to go and that it would be really wrong to leave them. I've spent so many years of my life just wishing for it to be over. I know I'd feel guilty leaving my younger siblings with them because they don't deserve to grow up in that kind of environment, getting physically hurt and yelled at for such little things. I can't protect any of them and I just feel so useless when I look at the situation. It feels like every decision I could make is the wrong decision..
Please help me decide what to do, I don't know how I'll get through the rest of my studies like this. I feel like I've given up already but I know I'll never be happy if I do just stop trying .
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- It seems that your mother has difficulty being a source of comfort for you. She has to learn to be there for you and be ready to listen to your needs.
- Keep initiating conversations in a positive, kind tone and ask them to forgive you for your past shortcomings.
- Participate in a family counseling session together. Find a local youth counselor who can help you restore your love for yourself.
- The ultimate source of comfort and help is Allah; turn to Him always in need.
Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah dear sister,
I am really sorry to hear your story. It must be very hard to feel that your parents are not there for you when you need them. When you need a hug or want to be listened to, you meet backfires and anger instead.
Sadly, other siblings, especially the younger ones, also suffer from physical harm and yelling. You would like to protect them, but you feel useless in those situations.
Well, let me start by saying that physical violence and abuse should not be the way to treat each other at home. It can really harm your integrity and well-being on multiple levels.
Unfortunately, in many cultures, physical violence is used as a common tool of child discipline and runs in families from generation to generation. Children are growing up without being taught to identify and manage their emotions.
As adults, they will most likely face difficulties managing emotionally charged situations in a calm, respectful manner and providing healthy support to their children.
You say:”They always get angry when I’m upset. My mother thinks I’m trying to play the victim every time I cry.”
It seems that she has difficulty being a source of comfort for you. Maybe your mother has difficulty recognizing and responding to your needs in a loving and healthy way.
Sister, I am not trying to take away her responsibility for her actions. Try to understand her: she is perhaps unable to be there for you because she simply does not know how to do that.
Their inability is not your fault, nor is it your siblings’; try not to condemn yourself and question your self-worth, even if it is very painful and hurts.
It seems that your parents have difficulty expressing their love for you in a proper way. But it does not mean that they do not love or care for you.
Too Many Restrictions
I am sure that they try to protect you from the harm they perceive around you. There are many things going on in today’s society that could be a good reason for that.
Apparently, they fear that you might lose Islam if you are exposed to certain things, and they try to protect you by overly controlling behavior and restrictions.
Unfortunately, while they might have the best intentions, these types of treatment just can push you away from them and from the deen and can seriously affect your mental health.
The deprivation of love is one of a child’s biggest fears, even if they are older, just like you.
What can you do?
Sister, although I haven’t heard the other side of the story from your parents, it seems to me that they need to adjust their way of parenting and understand that if they want to protect you from any harm, they have to learn to be there for you and be ready to listen to your needs.
You said that you had tried to speak with them about fixing things, but they told you that they could not trust you after you had lied to them.
I advise you to keep initiating conversations in a positive, kind tone and ask them to forgive you for your past shortcomings.
Ask them to understand you and that you aren’t perfect, just like them either. We all make mistakes, but Allah is the Most Forgiving and Merciful.
You can assure them that you would like to regain their trust and let them know how it makes you feel to feel unloved and ignored. You may involve a third person, who they trust and who can be on your side.
Parenting
It would be very good if you could participate in a family counseling session together. Preferably with a Muslim counselor or an imam whom your mother respects and who can mediate between you.
Encourage her to participate in an Islamic parenting session and learn about the manners of our beloved Prophet towards his family and children.
If this is not possible, try to find some online sources on Islamic parenting.
Also, there are online social media groups for Muslim parents. Learning from other parents could be very beneficial, as she can reflect on her behavior and make changes for the better.
Counseling
I also suggest you find a local youth counselor who can help you restore your love for yourself. You are a lovable, beautiful human being, despite whether others around you recognize it or not.
Physical violence
If you experience domestic violence, please try to raise awareness of the problem by speaking to your parents first and by telling them how this makes you feel. This is not Islamic and is not supported by our religion.
They need to stop hurting you and your siblings, and they need to learn how to deal with you in a more respectful manner.
If you feel that your or your sibling’s physical safety is in danger, please turn to a youth association or ask your local community to help you.
Allah, the Ultimate Source of Comfort
Finally, do not forget, sister, that the ultimate source of comfort and help is Allah.
Know that while others you need might not be there for you, Allah is always there.Strengthen your connection with Him; pray more; make dua; and do extra worship.
If you need comfort, remember the words of Allah:
“Surely in Allah’s remembrance do hearts find rest.” (Quran 13:28)
About Islamic Parenting:
- Raising Better Humans and Muslims: Parenting in Muslim Tradition
- Today’s Parenting: Balancing Between Us and Them
- This Style of Parenting May Push Your Children Far from Islam
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