I have been in a relationship for almost 4.5 years. Our parents know about our relationship for a year. They met and agreed to the marriage. But the condition is that until he doesn't complete his education and get a job, we will not get married. So, approximately three years are needed for us to get married.
Now we have started meeting each other and we have realized that talking and meeting is haram. But we can't do anything because our parents won’t accept our demand that we get married now.
Please, tell us what should we do to avoid sinning. Because we don’t want to indulge in any haram activity, but our parents won’t understand us at this time. We have started thinking that we get married secretly to avoid any sin, and later on we will have a second marriage in the presence of our parents according to their right time.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• If you feel comfortable, you could just be completely honest with your parents about why you feel you cannot and should not wait to get married.
• Try to take some time also to understand their concerns as parents. They want what’s best for you.
• Perhaps you could arrange meetings with him every now and again but with your parents’ present in an environment where you simply can’t fall into haram.
• Try and keep yourself busy with other things that will help to keep your desires under control.
• You could even consult with people you trust and are close to you. They will be able to advise you from a rational perspective that’s not tainted by emotions you may have already developed for this man.
Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh sister,
Alhamdulillah that you have found someone you want to marry and your parents agree as well. However, they want you to wait until he has finished his education, yet you are concerned that you will fall into sin if you wait.
Be Honest
You are right to be concerned. This why it is recommended to marry and to do so early so as to not give you any opportunity to commit sin.
Unfortunately, it seems that your parents are not on board with this so you need to carefully consider your opinions or which there are several to think about.
If you feel comfortable, you could just be completely honest with your parents about why you feel you cannot and should not wait to get married.
They have already been in a similar situation before so they will have some understanding of the types of feelings you face as you get to the age when you wish to get married.
This way, they will be able to be more sympathetic to your situation and may change their mind, or at least consider an alternative option that may bring things forward.
Failing that, they can at least be there to support you at this time as you wait to have a full understanding of what you are going through.
Understand Your Parents’ Concerns
In this case, try to take some time also to understand their concerns as parents. They want what’s best for you.
They probably fear that if he has not achieved his education and career perhaps he could not fulfill his roles as a husband. They just want to make sure that he is the best for you, or stop you both from falling into difficulties such as finances.
They probably know from experience that such things can have a big impact on whether a marriage will be successful.
So, you also need to try and see from their perspective. This will help you to feel more understanding of why they place such conditions on you.
Marriage in Secret?
You could go ahead with the marriage in secret. However, there are many challenges to consider here such as finding a mahram for yourself and the fact that it would be incredibly difficult to keep such a big thing secret.
It may be years down the line, but eventually, they would find out and until then you would be restricted in not being able to live as a married couple to avoid them finding out. These things could end up destroying your marriage in the end although you would be able to be in contact with one another without falling in to sin.
Check out this counseling video:
Or you can go with the choice of your parents and wait until he has finished his education and training, but avoid contact with him. If you continue as you are, meeting and talking before marriage, you will develop stronger feelings for each other. This will make it even more difficult to prevent yourself from falling in to sin.
If you take this route, perhaps you could arrange meetings with him every now and again but with your parents’ present in an environment where you simply can’t fall into haram.
You might think about trying this out for a prescribed amount of time before reassessing the situation. If it becomes too difficult and the urges become too strong, then maybe you consider the other options.
If you take the route of going with your parents’ choice and waiting whilst eliminating and unacceptable contact with him, try and keep yourself busy with other things that will help to keep your desires under control.
Do things you enjoy doing; take on extra activities; focus on achieving set goals; spend time with good friends.
Take time to consider your different options and their potential consequences keeping in mind what Allah would be most pleasing to Him. This is what is most beneficial for you too.
For example, to wait for 3 years whilst avoiding contact is admirable. It also deprives you of catering to your desires that would otherwise be acceptable if you were married.
On the other hand, you could get married and, therefore, avoid potential sin. But this would make your parents upset whilst we are supposed to respect them. This will make for tricky family relations.
Take time to think about it for yourself. You could even consult with people you trust and are close to you. They will be able to advise you from a rational perspective that’s not tainted by emotions you may have already developed for this man.
May Allah guide you to make the choice that is most pleasing to Him and best for you.
Amen,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.