04 April, 2018
As-salamu `Alaikum. I had been in a relationship with a guy A for six years. He got his parents to my house for a marriage proposal, but they were not happy at all and their attitude passed on the message to my parents that they were against it and were doing it forcefully. His parents were against because we were the same age.During this period, I got another proposal from guy B through my family; the guy’s family is well off, the guy is well educated, and my parents insisted me on speaking to this guy. The only negative was that they are settled in Pakistan, and I’m born and brought up in Dubai. My mom was not well at all during this period and the disturbing behavior from A’s parents and talking to guy B inclined me to refuse guy A and agreed to B’s proposal.Just about a week after refusing guy A, I realized I had done a big mistake and cannot live without guy A. I contacted him, but he refused to speak to me. I was in a big shock. I then started making up my mind for guy B but was quite disturbed, so I went to a Maulana who said that guy A’s proposal is suitable and guy B was not by just asking both the guys’ names and their mothers’ names. I was in a big shock again. Two other maulanas said that both proposals were fine.I decided to do istikhara myself. I got no dreams but was disturbed every few days. Then my dad spoke to the guy A if he could work things out, but he simply stepped back saying he changed his mind. During this period, I kept talking to guy B and got many negative thoughts about him so I kept doing istikhara, but my heart was still not content. I got to another maulana who said the proposal is not suitable.I got a chance to clear all my doubts I had about guy B, and they all turned out to be positive. His reaction every time was very calm and positive although I did a lot of crosses and stupid questioning as my heart was still not content. I had doubts because he does not pray regularly, he had many female friends, he always emphasized on the western dressing. He tried getting physical every time we met. I started istikhara again, and this time on the third day I got a disturbing dream but again on the fourth day I got a dream where I was happy.I told my parents about how I feel, but they felt I should think about it because it was a very good proposal. Talks have been going on for around 6 months now, and we don’t find good proposals easily nowadays. Even I feel attached to the relationship, but this time I’m not in love. I am very confused. I approached two other maulanas yesterday who said the proposal looks good. I need guidance and peace in my decision.
In this counseling answer:
“Istikhara isn’t meant to be a clear signal; it is a way to seek Allah’s blessings and ask Him to make things easier. Your confusion, in my opinion, indicates that the second proposal isn’t in your best interest.”
Wa `Alaykum As-Salaam dear sister,
Thank you for your question. If you read your question carefully, you have the answer to your question there. Basically, you have said the following; you’ve been in a relationship since you were 16, and when this gentleman brought it to your parents, it didn’t go through. Your mother was more interested in another guy for you, who you don’t feel good about. In that process, you also lost the first guy.
Istikhara isn’t meant to be a clear signal; it is a way to seek Allah’s blessings and ask Him to make things easier. Your confusion, in my opinion, indicates that the second proposal isn’t in your best interest.
You must have a good feeling about your spouse when marrying him. If you are only doing it out of logical reasoning, then you are taking out emotional attachment which is critical to any relationship. If you enter a relationship solely based on an emotional attachment, then you’re acting blindly and when emotions fizzle out, your relationship may not be sustainable. In a solid relationship, you need both; an emotional spark and sensible things in place (i.e. similar values, similar work ethics, similar long-term plans etc).
I think that in this situation you’ve described both Mr. A & B aren’t the ones for you as things are simply lining up. You are young, and you seem to have a family that you can communicate with. Don’t rush these things, and if you start feeling confined by your options, then realize that none of those options are the right ones for you. Your Mr. Right will come along, give it some time, in sha’Allah.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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