I’ve always tried my best to do good deeds and stay away from sins, but apparently I am unable to do so. I have been committing some sins for years and despite my efforts, I haven’t been able to get rid of them. Because of those sins, I want to get married, but since I am a college student, I need to finish my university first and get a decent job. Even my friends at my age have gotten married which makes me even more desperate to get married so that I could stay away from haram. Because of this, I can't even focus on my studies. And that’s a vicious circle as marriage is getting postponed if I don’t do well in my exams.
Now, here is my question: because most of my friends are married now, I’ve started feeling jealous of them which I never felt before, and my temptation is getting greater and out of control. Thoughts like "you have been sinning for years while others are busy doing good deed" makes me feel even worse and feel like ALLAH is not going to forgive me because of my repetitive sins.
It all starts with the struggle I am having with my own self and leads me eventually to another sin, jealousy, which I never wanted but it just came to me out of nowhere. Marriage upsets my entire life, and I have no idea what to do. Please help me out. Jazakallahu Khyran!
In this counseling answer:
• Marriage will not solve your problem. Many men who are addicted to pornography continue to be addicted after marriage.
• Work on your addiction. Sign up for the Lower Your Gaze program.
As-Salaam ’Alaikum brother,
Firstly, you are not alone. Everyone struggles with sins and even addiction. Some sins we can overcome easier than others and some remain rigidly clinging to our desires.
Marriage will not solve your problem, brother. If you are addicted to pornography, for example, marriage will not remove the addiction. In fact, it usually increases it! Having “halal sex” is not the point of getting married. You spend very little time actually having sex in marriage compared to all the other obligations and servitude it requires. Marriage is an extension of one’s relationship to the Divine.
If pornography has shaped your desire template of sexuality, sex in marriage will heal you because pornography is not real and over sensational. If that is what one is used to, real sex is very different. It will seem dry and boring compared to the fake sexual theatre of pornography.
Check out this counseling video:
Many men who are addicted to pornography continue to be addicted after marriage. In fact, their addiction ruins their sexual relationship with their partners due to the points mentioned above. Their wives do not even stimulate some men because their frame of reference for sex is full of the fake content from pornography.
It is like being addicted to over sugared candy bars then trying to switch to an apple. Our nature is to find fruits sweet and delicious, however, if we eat over processed substitutes, we have changed our taste template completely and we will need to transition and adapt first.
Work on Your Addiction
If a person is addicted to pornography, one must work on one’s addiction first. In your case, you also have to finish school and focus. I don’t believe you are jealous but rather disappointed in yourself for nor focusing on improving your situation as others around you have. Yes, we should be self-critical and constructive in order to push ourselves to become better before God. However, only God knows our position with Him, and we should feel shame if we do not prioritize improving ourselves.
Pornography is one of the biggest addictions within our community. I encourage you to sign up for this program and work on your addiction. With a clear mind and heart, you will be able to finish school. When you graduate and are empowered with will and dedication to yourself, you will be more ready and attractive to get married and truly take care of another.
God (swt) give you success, brother!
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