I have sent in a question previously and I received quite good help, so I would like to thank you greatly. I have some questions to ask as follows.
1-We go through many situations in life like crises, family issues, education problems, etc… and they make it difficult for us to get married. However, we come across many things in Islam ushering us to marry early. Because of this I cannot focus on my daily work and being preoccupied by family issues and all, it makes me feel like I am late to get married and it’s sinful. I am worried about this.
2- Secondly, I want to know why dreams affect our life. I don’t wish to interpret my dreams but on occasions when I do dream, I wake up feeling more affected by it more than if it was just a dream; it feels more realistic. Is it a sign of anxiety?
3- I just wish for peace in my life before I start thinking about marriage, but I always worry about getting late because I have heard it is sinful in Islam to marry late.
4- How to resolve conflict with parents when misunderstandings occur so often. It’s hard to properly talk with them and make them understand our decisions and they often just get quite angry.
In this counseling answer:
• Simply not being able to marry at a young age (for whatever reasons you might have) does not make you sinful!
• If you are consistently getting dreams that make you feel anxious or breathless, it is quite possible you are disturbed or stressed out in the phase of life you are in.
• Make your parents realize through your words and actions that you are a unique individual, with your own thoughts, values, and needs. However, be careful not to disrespect or hurt them.
Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wa barakatuhu Sister,
I am glad you found our previous responses helpful. Thank you for returning to us with more questions. In your post, you have asked several questions; I will respond to each question one by one.
Firstly, you have mentioned your concern regarding marriage. You have stated that you have a lot of concerns and worries in your life that you would like to sort out first, and then think about marriage.
However, you are also worried that it is sinful in Islam to marry late, so this is disturbing your peace of mind.
Secondly, you have asked about dreams, and whether having gripping dreams is a sign of anxiety.
Thirdly, you have asked about how to make your parents understand your worldview, in a way that they do not get angry with you about decisions you want to make for yourself.
Marriage in Islam
Coming to the question of marriage first, it is absolutely correct that it is encouraged to get married at a young age, in Islam, for several reasons.
The first and foremost reason is, that as young people grow up, they naturally have a strong need for connection, companionship and physical needs that cannot be fulfilled outside marriage, in Islam. Therefore, by marrying young, one can protect oneself from committing a serious sin, Zina.
Another reason why Islam, as well as our culture, encourages marriage at a young age, is that when people are young, it is easier for them to mold themselves according to the other person’s likings, hence it may be that marrying young can lead you to have a better compatibility with your partner, but that’s not always the case.
However, despite these reasons, simply not being able to marry at a young age (for whatever reasons you might have) does not make you sinful!
The act of having forbidden relationships would equate to sin, but if you are not exceeding the limits Allah SWT has placed on you as a Muslim woman, late marriage is definitely no sin.
In fact, if you feel that you are not ready for marriage, it is better to get your life straight first and then marry.
So many marriages are failing these days because the involved people are just not ready for marriage but are pushed into it because of parents, society and other people’s ideas. On the other hand, Islam has given the girl/woman full right to decide when and who she wants to marry.
What Dreams Mean
Sister, another question you have asked is that you often have dreams that seem very real to you and you wake up feeling anxious.
Dreams and their meanings are very subjective, and it totally depends on how you want to interpret them. However, yes, it is true that when we are anxious or have a lot going on in our life, we tend to get dreams in the same context or at times, disturbing dreams.
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From a psychological perspective, our sub-conscious mind processes everything we are experiencing during our waking hours, and then plays it while we are asleep.
If you are consistently getting dreams that make you feel anxious or breathless, it is quite possible you are disturbed or stressed out in the phase of life you are in. Or it could also be something regarding your past traumatic experiences or future apprehensions.
If you are consistently having bad dreams, I can suggest you do the following:
- Before you lie down, try to clear up your head. You could try relaxation exercises such as deep breathing, meditation or going for a short walk.
- Maintain a journal/diary about what is bothering you – writing down things will help you process your thoughts, fears, and apprehensions in a positive way.
- Lastly, do not block out thoughts. We usually refrain from thinking about negative feelings and emotions instead of processing them – this causes them to magnify in our unconscious mind and we experience them as dreams.
- If you continue to have dreams that disrupt your life, do not hesitate about getting professional help from a psychologist.
Lastly, you have asked about how to convey your perspective to your parents in a way that they do not get angry. It is true, that it often gets difficult to get our message across to parents. The reason is that there is usually a lot of communication gap.
Further, parents usually have different perspectives and are usually not willing to understand why children want to do things differently. Here are a few suggestions you might find helpful in communicating with your parents.
Use Open Dialogue
Try to strike a conversation with your parents. Let them see you, your world, and your thoughts. You may be afraid that they will criticize you, judge you or disapprove of you.
However, this is the first step that will really let you make your parents understand and accept who you are as a person.
Parents often think that their children are an extension of themselves and should behave and think like they think themselves.
So, make it a point, to make them realize through your words and actions that you are a unique individual, with your own thoughts, values, and needs. However, be careful not to disrespect or hurt them.
Be clear about what you want and communicate it to your parents appropriately. Do not use a loud tone, or a very timid one.
Using the right tone and words will not only make you feel more confident about what you need, but also give your parents a non-verbal message that you have a firm stance about what you want or need. It will allow them to be more open towards your point-of-view as well.
Justify Your Arguments
Sometimes, parents just go against their children’s wishes without any logical reason; they like to use their “authority” on their children.
If you feel this is happening for you, be prepared with logical arguments for your point-of-view. Talk to your parents in great detail about how you feel and about the decisions you would like to take in life.
May Allah SWT guide us all to the right path.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.