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I Love My Cousin But Afraid to Talk to My Parents

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 01, 2019

Question

Aslamwalikum Brother/Sister. I wanted to ask how I can talk to my parents about my marriage. Basically, the problem is that my cousin and I really love each other and we want to get married. The boy is happy and I am happy for the marriage to take place. But I don’t know how to talk to my parents about this matter because I am really scared.

His mum had even spoken to my mum about this marriage, but my mum clearly rejected because she thought I wouldn’t agree and that I am too young. She doesn't know that I want to get married to him.

I'm really scared. Please help me and tell me what I can do. And how shall I get this fear out of me and speak to my parents about this?

Counselor

Answer


I Love My Cousin But Afraid to Talk to My Parents

In this counseling answer:

• Since the fear is not letting you speak, you can envision talking about the subject and then envision how you would broach the subject if your parents rejected your idea. Be assertive.

• There is a multitude of things that need to be seen when selecting a spouse. The foremost thing is the person’s Deen.

• A personality match is extremely beneficial.

• Pray istikhara.


Assalamu Alaykum Sister,

Thank you for reaching out. In your post, you have mentioned that you and your cousin are in love with each other and that you want to get married. However, you are scared about how to communicate about this to your mother. You are also worried, how your parents will react to you telling them that you have feelings for your cousin and that you want to marry him.

Sister, I absolutely understand your fear and worry, since it is difficult for children and especially girls to admit to parents that they would like to marry a certain someone. Further, since you are also quite young, it is also possible that your parents are not thinking very seriously about your marriage at this time.

From what I understand, the reason you are feeling afraid and hesitant about talking to your parents could be about two things. Firstly, you are afraid of judgment from their side, secondly, you may be worried about what would happen if they reject your proposal/choice to marry the guy. Basically, you are really afraid of losing the person you love.

Sister, the thing is that one can never be sure how events will turn out in life. However, this does not mean that we do not work towards what we need to do.

As a Muslim girl, you are entitled to marry a guy of your choice. Here are a few suggestions that will help you analyze and work on your current situation.

Be Assertive

Talk with your parents assertively about your choice of the person whom you want to marry. Since the fear is not letting you speak, you can envision talking about the subject and then envision how you would broach the subject if your parents rejected your idea. Being assertive means that you are able to communicate what you want in an appropriate way – that is, neither too timidly, and nor in an aggressive or passive aggressive way.  Be open about why you like your cousin, and why you would like to marry him.

Things to Keep in Mind When Selecting a Spouse

Sister, there is a multitude of things that need to be seen when selecting a spouse. The foremost thing is the person’s Deen. A person, who is God-Fearing, will definitely take good care of you and your rights as a spouse.

Similarly, there are other things that should also be kept in mind when selecting a partner; such as their culture; as you will be expected to fit in their culture when you marry them.


Check out this counseling video:


Thirdly, it is also important to see if the two of you are financially equal. This is important in the long term, because if you belong to a well-off family, whereas your spouse has a mediocre income, it may cause problems for you later on.

Last, but definitely not the last, a personality match is extremely beneficial. If your personalities match and you tend to like the same things he likes as well; the match is likely to be quite enduring.

Istikhara

Before you go for a formal proposal; do an Istikhara to see whether the cousin would be a good match for you. It is always good to get the guidance from Allah SWT regarding our decisions; especially marriage.

Therefore, it is essential to ask Allah SWT for guidance. In the Quran, Allah SWT says,

“And it is very possible that you dislike something whereas it is good for you; and (similarly) it is very possible that you like something whereas it is bad for you”. [02:16]

Be Open to Rejection

From what you have mentioned in your post, it is apparent that you are very anxious regarding this relationship. However, I would just like to tell you that sometimes we do not get what we wish to have; and that is okay. Be open, and even prepared for rejection from the family. Being open to rejection does not mean that you will not be able to marry the person you love. It just means that a lot of your fear and anxiety will be released once you accept the worst.

Remember that Allah SWT does not put more burden on His slaves than they can bear. And Allah SWT is the Best Judge. If He wills, there will be absolutely no barriers in your marriage to your cousin. However, if this is not the case, remember that Allah SWT must have better plans for you.

May Allah SWT guide you and make things easy for you!

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more: 

Love My Cousin But Parents Reject Him: What to Do?

I’m Still in Love with My Cousin

Unhappily Married to My Cousin: Stay or Leave?




About Zainab Farrukh

"Zainab Farrukh has an MS. in Mental Health & Counseling and has been working as a counselor for over 3 years. She is also a Research Specialist working with Psychology professionals and students internationally. She has recently founded The WomeNetwork (www.thewomenetwork.com), where her goal is to help women get better at their game."

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