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Is this Love or Admiration?

24 October, 2017
Q As-Salamu Aleikom. I have certain issues regarding what people call love. I have done a mistake in my life by being in a relationship with a person, but alhumdulilah I am out of it now. I'm a practicing Muslim alhumdulilah and having a great affinity towards understanding my deen and enriching my emaan which got doubled when I met a person who totally submits himself to Allah (SWT) alhumdulilah. He has just transformed my life and increased my belief alhumdulilah. I already had some positive feelings for him which have increased with time, and eventually, I proposed him for marriage, but as I said he has submitted himself to the will of Allah and is looking for a wife who knows Islam more than him. He wants someone who could be his teacher and guide him all along, but here I'm who doesn't know much but who tries her best to gain more and more Islamic knowledge. I want to be his wife in order to complete all my obligations, learn my religion and understand the true essence of my deen. Is it what people say, love? Or am I selfish for caring about my gains while neglecting his will?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

“Focus on strengthening your relationship with Allah (swt) and work on gaining more knowledge. Surround yourself with a good, pious company and keep making du`aa’ that Allah (swt) sends the right person for you to be your spouse and your support.”


As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister, 

Thank you for your question and for the trust. May Allah (swt) reward you greatly for eagerly seeking to understand the religion and to enrich your faith. May Allah (swt) guide you to His path and help you in your journey toward Him.

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Allah (swt) sends people in our way appearing for a reason we might know or not. However, we have to agree that it is for our own good. Sometimes, we will be able to guess the wisdom behind Allah’s choices for us. Sometimes we will not be able to do that; we just have to accept and believe that it is for our own good. Concerning this young man, it could be that Allah (swt) sent him on your way to teach you something or to help you be closer to Him and be stronger in your deen.

Sometimes, our feelings get mixed. We mistakenly give a feeling that we have the name of another feeling. In your case, it could be that you have feelings of admiration and gratefulness for this young man and you think that this is love.

To say that you love a person and that you can share your life with him, there has to be compatibility between the couple from several aspects. There has to be mutual understanding, mutual feelings, and mutual need to be with each other. A spouse is a person you will be living with through all moments of your life. You will experience with him different situations and circumstances which need that you both are on the same line of thought and dedication to the relationship.

You have only focused on one dimension of this person which is his religiosity. Although this is the main aspect we have to look for in a future spouse; however, it is not the only one! One main aspect is missing which is his interest in this relationship. This would make it difficult to have a marriage in the first place. It is not selfishness from your side that you have feelings for him and that you wanted to marry him. You are not forcing him on anything; you just declared your interest in him and he is left to decide what he wants.

It is important that you put in your mind that there are other people in this world who are religious and have the true essence of the religion. There are other people who are also truly dedicated to Islam. It is possible that you meet another person who could be religious and compatible with you, who shares mutual feelings for you and you can be support for each other along the path of Allah (swt). Allah (swt) knows what is best for us. Just leave the whole issue to Allah (swt).

As for learning about Islam and getting the true essence of the religion and doing your obligations, this is something you can seek in different ways and from different sources other than marrying this person. Of course, a truly religious spouse is a very valuable support on your path to Allah (swt), but you still can seek support from other people who can guide you along the way.

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Therefore, just focus on strengthening your relationship with Allah (swt) and work on gaining more knowledge. Surround yourself with a good, pious company and keep making du`aa’ that Allah (swt) sends the right person for you to be your spouse and your support.

I pray to Allah (swt) that I have been able to provide you with some help and support. Feel free to contact us if you need further assistance. May Allah (swt) give you the right husband soon in sha’ Allah.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Layla Al Qaraqsi
Layla Al Qaraqsi has worked with islamonline.net since 2008. She has been the editor of the counseling section till May, 2013; then a counselor and writer since March, 2015. She has also worked in early childhood psychosocial development;and managed a support group in Egypt. Layla has been studying psychology and counseling since 2011 in the Islamic Online University (IOU) of Dr. Bilal Philips, University of North Dakota, and in several specialized psychological institutions in Egypt including Tawasol Center, one of the offline projects of Islamonline.net. Her studies also included group psychotherapy, psychodrama techniques, mindfulness.  You can contact her via: [email protected]