I am a 19-year-old first-year university student. Recently, I can't seem to control my feelings of desire for a partner, and the more I try to suppress those feelings the more difficult it is. This leads me to often end up masturbating. I am trying my best to control my desires, but I just can't seem to help it.
I frequently try to take part in other activities, but I still manage to get distracted by this and it bothers me a lot. I read in a hadith that we should fast if we feel this way. Although due to my tight schedule I couldn’t fast, I was able to stay hungry for a long time like skipping a meal, but I still saw no difference.
I can't seem to convince my parents to let me get married as 19 is a very young age, but honestly, I feel like from my side I am trying to be the most mature person I can be. I don't watch porn, smoke, or do anything that is haram. I try to maintain good language, cook on my own, take care of myself as I live away from my parents, but this is too overwhelming.
In the typical university student life one-night stands are so common but I don’t want that. I don’t want to commit zina as it’s haram and the most important thing is at the end of the day going to jannah. I just feel like I will go mad.
Please advise me on what to do. I have gone as far as trying to look for a girl to marry on my own through halal dating websites because my mother doesn’t believe any proper family of our type would let us marry their daughter. I couldn’t find a suitable match for me.
I try to maintain my religion while living in a city with a minority of Muslim, most of which aren’t even practicing. The haram over here or in general is so easy, but halal way of things is so tough. I don't want to keep committing sin of masturbating.
I want to live a proper Islamic life. Allhumdulillah I pray 5 times a day with nafl and I try to perfect my religion because when someone else comes into my life she will have a pious husband with her. But I don’t know how long I can wait and control myself. Please guide me.
In this counseling answer:
•Lower your gaze.
•Keep your tongue busy with dhikr.
•Read to occupy your mind.
•Attend Islamic gathering.
•Consider the meaning of marriage, and think of what kind of life you want. Do not rush into this feeling.
•Do not stop supplicating to Allah.
Assalamu Alaikum dear brother,
I am sorry to hear of the struggles you are going through right now. But I am happy to know that you are trying hard to do what is right.
Control your triggers
While I understand that everyone matures different post-puberty, I feel that certain thoughts can be controlled when we control our mind and certain triggers that cause our minds to feel and think a certain way. Some people are mature and ready for marriage as early as 18, whereas others do not reach that same maturity until they are in their mid-twenties, or even late twenties.
Everyone develops differently. However, it is also possible that some people are certain they are “ready” for marriage when in-fact they are infatuated by someone, or fantasize the idea of marriage in the wrong way. University is a place filled with people of all kind. I am certain that not everyone practices decent clothing, or even “halal” behavior around others.
I am certain that everyone talks about things that shouldn’t be talked about in public and discuss even weird things. And if all this isn’t enough, there is media bringing in the feeling that being alone is not good. The world is designed to tempt us. When you realize how the trap works and its harms, you can avoid it.
Lower your gaze.
Although this may sound like a very repeated thing to say, dear brother, walk with your head low. Avoid looking at women altogether.
Keep your tongue busy with dhikr.
Read to occupy your mind.
When you find that you’re having thoughts that are disturbing you again, start to read. Pick a book of a topic you are deeply interested in and read. This will help you distract your mind.
I highly suggest that you exercise at least 20-30 minutes a day.
Not eating is not equivalent to fasting. Fasting in the Islamic is what is implied when young people are asked to fast to control themselves. Fasting needs to be complimented with the reasons. Why are you fasting? To please Allah SWT, so that He can give you the strength to control yourself and keep yourself on the right path. Fasting means that we cannot eat, even though the food we eat is halal. Therefore, when we control ourselves from what is halal, it will become to control ourselves from what is haram.
Check out this counseling video
Attend Islamic Gatherings
Yes, marriage is an important milestone, and a means to avoid sinning. But, if it is considered important simply because it helps us avoid sinning, is it the right way to think about it? Is it ok to think that you want to get married simply so that you will be kept away from sinning? Would you not care how this would sound to someone? “That I married simply to avoid sinning?”
Consider the meaning of marriage, and think of what kind of life you want. Do not rush into this feeling. It is a feeling which is from the devil. The “feeling of being impatient”.
Every human is created the same. However, when you look around, you will see some succumb to their whims and desires, and usually regret afterwards, while others try hard, control themselves, occupy their minds, create a focus and vision in life, and are not easily led astray. Therefore, think about this patiently. Why do you want to get married? What kind of a life do you want to have? What kind of a person are you? What do you want to have in a future wife?
Spend your time learning about the couples in Islam
1. Khadijah RA and Prophet Muhammed SAW
2. Fatima RA and Ali RA
If you never knew, Allah had forgiven the prophet for his previous and future sins. Yet, he was a servant seeking forgiveness and constant repentance. In his words: “By Allah, I seek
forgiveness from Allah, and I repent to him more than seventy times in a day.” (Sahih Bukhari)
Therefore, I think that we all should seek Allah’s forgiveness, for the sins past and present, at least 200-500 times a day. I understand that time is scarce, but when certain things are occupying our minds, certain things which should not although time is scarce, we need to make time to seek distance from such thoughts.
Do not stop supplicating to Allah. I know that it is what you want right now in life, but it is possible that Allah SWT is withholding something to make you a better person for the future. It is possible that you are still not ready for it yet.
Your mother is not particularly wrong. Many people would want their son in-laws to be making a living, because it is the man’s responsibility to provide for the wife. But this does not mean you should be visiting dating sites.
It is possible that you may be further indulged in problems if the wrong girl starts to follow you. You need to pray extra voluntary salah and seek strength from Allah to guide you and give you patience.
I pray that Allah SWT grants you ease to do the right thing.
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