I told my mom and she said that she would speed up the search to find a bride for him. She said that he is of marriageable age (23) and so he is hyped up about all of that. She said most guys watch porn and that,in sha’ Allah, after she marries him off to a pious girl he will stop. My question to you is, doesn't my brother deserve a girl who watches porn, and not some innocent Muslimah who has not even heard the word porn? I'm really upset. I wish I hadn't checked his files.
I'm disgusted beyond limits and I can't believe that my brother out of all the guys in the world would do such a thing. Shouldn't my mom talk to him and tell him how filthy he is to look at such stuff? Please help!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• It would be appropriate if your father or a respected male family member be the one to talk to him about the issue.
• The solution of providing your brother with a bride might not necessarily be the right answer—not yet, anyway.
• Calm down, my brother, be patient, and pray for him. Remember, he is still your brother.
As-Salamu `Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh brother,
“Allah the Almighty has laid down religious duties, so do not neglect them. He has set boundaries, so do not overstep them. He has prohibited some things, so do not violate them. About some things He was silent—out of compassion for you, not forgetfulness, so seek not after them.” (An-Nawawis #30)
My brother, from where you stand there are two ways of looking at the above hadith.
From your actions,
“Avoid suspicion, for suspicion is the gravest lie in talk, do not be inquisitive about one another, do not spy upon one another, do not feel envious of one another. Nurse no malice, nurse no aversion or hostility against one another. Be fellow-brothers and servants of Allah.”(Abi Dawud)
By spying on your brother in this way, you have broken a trust, regardless of his wrongdoing and his effort to keep it to himself. Yes, as brothers you should protect and guide one another, but you have become aware of an aspect of his activities that has affected the way in which you see him—the consequence of which could upset the balance of domestic relations. This might seem irrelevant, for the greater good would be to halt your brother’s obsession with pornography, but this is highly unlikely if conflict dominates the home over the issue.
From your brother’s circumstances, not meaning to defend him, the problem today is that pornography attracts big profits because people (mostly men) are increasingly drawn to it. It seems like an obvious thing to say, but it also points to a problem that is not peculiar to single men, so it is not necessarily the case that your brother’s obsession will stop once he gets married.
The problem is also one of “sexploitation” (young women seductively presented) as the means by which products or ideas (such as music videos) are sold. This in itself is irresponsible, but still considered acceptable by both men and women. So, unfortunately, this form of soft pornography exploits men’s weaknesses; it is degrading to women and plays a role in how some men see their own manhood and how they see women. Women become viewed as objects for men’s desire only, which is in contradiction to how Islam views women.
How this affects your brother is another issue. Some young men use pornography for sex education or because they feel lonely. If this is the case for your brother, then he is indeed ready to get married, but I emphasize, married to someone whom he wants to marry and who is suitable for him. If the reasons for the pornography pertain to his view of his manhood or how he sees women, then there is a bigger problem; hence, your shock and disgust at the thought that this could be your brother.
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Either way, the habit is haram, because it is a means of sexual arousal that cannot be controlled and can lead to problems elsewhere as it hinders the ability to have an intimate relationship within marriage. Why am I telling you this?
Firstly, I do not want you to feel horrified, but rightly concerned.
Secondly, I want you to understand your brother as a young man, and not just your brother. This is probably what your mother is trying to do by seeing her son and as a young man and not just her son; yet the solution of providing your brother with a bride might not necessarily be the right answer—not yet, anyway.
“Righteousness is in good character, and wrongdoing is that which wavers in your soul, and which you dislike people finding out about. [Muslim]
And on the authority of Wabisah bin Ma’bad (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: I came to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and he (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “You have come to ask about righteousness.” I said, “Yes.” He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, “Consult your heart. Righteousness is that about which the soul feels at ease and the heart feels tranquil. And wrongdoing is that which wavers in the soul and causes uneasiness in the breast, even though people have repeatedly given their legal opinion [in its favour].” (An-Nawawi #27)
Pertaining to your question, “Doesn’t my brother deserve a girl who watches porn and not some innocent Muslimah who has not even heard the word porn?” The Qur’an states,
“(As for) the fornicators, flog each of them, (giving) a hundred stripes, and let not pity for them detain you in the matter of obedience to Allah if you believe in Allah and the last day, and let a party of believers witness their chastisement”. (24:2)
We do not know what is going on inside your brother, and this is important and should be established first. As such, it would be appropriate if your father or a respected male family member be the one to talk to him about the issue. Of course, your brother will be offended if he knows that you saw his computer files, hence it would be better if he did not know about this, as it would prevent any progress in finding an appropriate solution.
Calm down, my brother, be patient, and pray for him. Remember, he is still your brother.
Salam,
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