I recently turned down a pious boy’s proposal for marriage because I didn’t feel like I loved him and I wasn’t attracted to him.
It hurts me because it seems he took it in a bad way. He puts profile pictures that have direct, hurting messages for me. We no longer talk.
How can I handle such a situation in an Islamic manner?
In this counseling answer:
• You did say no, so I would kindly suggest that you move on and stop looking for him online.
• As long as you kindly refused his proposal in an Islamic way, the outcome, or the way he chooses to feel about it or act afterward, is not your responsibility.
As Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
Often times, men take it personal when they offer a marriage proposal and are turned down. I guess, who wouldn’t be, right? But it seems he may be taking it to extremes from what you stated about his profile pictures. However, as you said “no” to the proposal, I am wondering why you are checking his profile status? Also, in what way are you interpreting that it relates to you? You did not elaborate on this point; therefore, I am confused about its content and if, in fact, it is about you.
Perhaps you are reading something into it that is not there? In any event, dear sister, you did say no, so I would kindly suggest that you move on and stop looking for him online. Please, focus on yourself, your current life situation in terms of what it is you need to be doing (school, career, family, etc.)
As far as what you can do Islamically, while I am not a scholar, I can suggest that you do not fixate on this situation. When you said no, you closed that door for marriage and there is nothing you should feel bad about! We are all entitled to marry one whom we feel we will be compatible with.
I admire your insight into your own feelings and your thoughtful consideration as to whether this would be a happy marriage for you. Many times women just marry for the sake of being married and everyone ends up unhappy.
In sha’ Allah, you will find the one who Allah (swt) has for you, the one who is compatible, as will the young man who asked for your hand in marriage. He, too, in sha’ Allah will find the right one as well. While none of us like to hurt people, sister, it is better to be honest (as you were) and experiences a brief time of sadness and pain rather than a lifetime of it due to a bad decision.
Check out this counseling video:
As long as you kindly refused his proposal in an Islamic way, the outcome, or the way he chooses to feel about it or act afterward, is not your responsibility.
I kindly suggest, dear sister, that you move on, stop worrying about his activities, stop looking at his social media pages, and try to accept the fact that for both of you, this was the best decision. While he might not appreciate your refusal now, he will in the future, in sha’ Allah, as no one wants to be married to someone who does not really love them, or be trapped in an unhealthy marriage.
You did the right thing, now just let go and move on with your life, as he will too very soon!
We wish you the best, sister. You are in our prayers.
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