I am a revert. It’s been seven years now since I accepted Islam. While I was still a Christian, I lost my virginity at a very young age. Since I started getting older, I decided not to engage in any pre-marital affairs although I have had boyfriends I didn't engage in sex with them.
Recently, I fell in love with a Muslim guy and we have been committing Zina. Whenever we commit the act, we both feel guilty of our actions. However, he said we should make our relationship halal and I should discuss him with my mother.
But as a revert, after what I passed through when I accepted Islam at first, my parents were against it but since I got admission into the university, have been practicing it. The only problem is this Zina I am committing.
I feel guilty all the time. I told my boyfriend if he can wait for me to finish my education because I still have two years to go and by then I would have gained my freedom and my family will have no other choice but to respect my decisions.
He said no, I should make an attempt this year and discuss it with my mother because he is getting older (he is 28 and am 23) and can't wait for another two years. He's worried that I might find someone better than him.
Please, how can I approach my mother? Besides, I love this guy very much and have tried leaving him but it’s not working. I am worried if I should leave him, will I get someone to love me despite my past? Will I be able to hold the pain, forget and move on?
In this counseling answer:
Begin with asking for forgiveness and making istikhara and surely Allah will guide you aright, whether that be now or in 2 years’ time, and to him or someone else. But, during this time, do try your best to avoid committing further sin by staying close to Allah and avoiding situations where you might commit sin.
Wa Alaikum Salaam sister,
Alhamdulillah that Allah guided you to the path of Islam. In sha Allah, your sins prior to your reversion have been forgiven. Unfortunately, however, you have fallen into the trap of zina and the consequences of it. You would prefer to finish your education first as per your parents’ desires before marrying. However, the man that you wish to marry says you should marry now.
There are arguments for and against this that you need to consider in making your decision. Firstly, the fact that you have continually committed zina with this man is not a good start to a marriage. Before you make any decision, you should repent to Allah for this. You know it is wrong as you feel bad afterward. It is a good thing as it means that you know in your heart that it is not ok.
Whatever choice you make, whether you chose to marry him or not is to cut any haram contact with him. This will only influence your ability to make any rational decision as your mind will be clouded by any feelings that you have developed towards this man over time.
Allah loves to forgive and will guide you rightly if only you turn to Him. With this, you can also make istikhara that He will guide you to make the best decision that will be most pleasing to Him and best for you.
This will only be best achieved if you cut contact with this man to avoid any clouded judgment. Although also be aware that any feelings that you have may make it difficult to be guided to the best decision, which is why you should seek sincere repentance first.
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Sooner than later
The man you wish to marry is correct that if you do, indeed, chose to marry him you do so sooner rather than later for the protection of you both falling into any more zina and committing further sin. However, it is understandable why this is difficult as culturally it is felt that it necessary for you to complete your studies first.
Islamically, it is not required for you to finish your education first. But, at the same time, if you rely on your families support during this time, then perhaps marrying at this time will be difficult. However, maybe this could be a good thing. If this marriage is not meant to be and there is no way that you could possibly pursue it at this time, then this might be what is best for you.
Refrain from sin
If once your study is complete and you are both still available, then maybe you are meant to be, but Allah knows best. However, be aware that during this time, you should refrain from any type of haram contact with this man to avoid further zina with him.
Also, be aware that during this time, neither of you are committed to one another and, therefore, have every right to marry someone else. This is a risk that will come with waiting to marry after you complete your studies.
Certainly, begin with asking for forgiveness and making istikhara and surely Allah will guide you aright, whether that be now or in 2 years’ time, and to him or someone else. But, during this time, do try your best to avoid committing further sin by staying close to Allah and avoiding situations where you might commit sin.
So, for example, avoid free mixing and talking to other men without a mahram present. This will help to purify yourself and your intentions and put you in a better place to make a decision that would be better for you and most pleasing to Allah.
May Allah guide you on the straight path and grant you a good spouse when the time is right that will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.
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