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Family Fights: I Can’t Bear It!

04 August, 2022
Q Asalam Alaikum. My problem is that my parents fight a lot. My brothers have joined the family business (without completing their education) and my father is always demanding to have business meetings whenever my brothers come home. He never sees whether they're tired, or sleepy, or hungry; he is always just ready to discuss business issues. The usual scenario is that we're having a family dinner and my father starts talking about business. My brothers would half heartedly answer him which causes my father to become irritated and he starts getting mad and my mother tells him to not discuss such issues at dining table which just leads to a parental war. This happens almost every single week. This is becoming increasingly suffocating for everyone. My father is a diabetic patient and lives a really unhealthy lifestyle and the stress causes my mother to have serious migraines, and my brothers end up having migraines and chest aches. This situation is so heartbreaking. I've tried to talk to every single one of them individually but each one of them justifies themselves and blames the other. It’s like a black hole we're all stuck in and can't seem to come out of! Currently with financial issues, business ups and downs, health issues and daily fights and arguments everyone is on the verge of considering suicide! Please suggest something that can be done to stop this. Thank you.

Answer

Answer:

Wa ‘Aleikum Salam,

Dear Sister, I am really sorry to hear about the current situation at home. May Allah (swt) give you the strength and patience to deal with it, Ameen. 

Conflicts are part of every household; sometimes between siblings and sometimes between parents.

However, when they become a part of routine and the intensity fights increase, it is time to examine the situation and take necessary steps.

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Suicide is forbidden in Islam, and I am sure everyone is well aware of that.

If in the state of anger, your siblings or parents think of committing such an act, it is your duty to calm them down and make them aware of the forbidden acts.

The core of your problem is the fluctuating condition of the business.

Know that Allah (swt) tests mankind through money, children, and other blessings.

It is said in the following words:

Your wealth and your children are only a trial. And Allah – With Him is a great reward.” (64:15)

As females, we might not really understand what our male counterparts go through.

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They have immense stress and pressure of fulfilling the financial needs of the family and providing them with a life that is full of necessities and luxuries.

Human beings always strive to become better, and hence people have that dwelling yearning to earn more.

Although the males of your family have a common aim to make the business successful, the stress and tension is making them fight with each other.

As children, it is our duty to respect and support our parents.

You and your siblings can ease out the tension of your parents by minimizing or contributing to the on-going spending.

You also need to make your family realize that it is just a phase and it will pass.

So instead of fighting, the family needs unity and understanding.

As you mentioned earlier that you have talked about the matter with everyone individually, maybe you can try a different approach.

For instance, publically announce that you are going on a hunger strike till the moment everyone sits back and finds out a solution to what is going on. So you need to be assertive and take a firm step.

Your mother can play a significant role.

While she has to abide by the duties towards her husband, she also has a responsibility towards her kids.

Instead of speaking on the dinner table for instance, your mother could explain things to your father in person.

She needs to tell him that he has her complete support.

So instead of adding into the extra burden over the sons, your father and your brothers can figure out a free time (let us say an hour before going to bed) where they can discuss all the business issues.

Your father is stressed and that is why he is behaving in this manner.

So maybe you can say that in the current month you will shop less, or you can do other things like this which will motivate him.

However, do not do this in an incessant manner as it will further deteriorate the situation where male ego comes in action; your father may think that he is unable to fulfill the needs of the family and become more tensed.

It also appears that the family has overburdened itself on the issue of money and business.

It is, however, important to clarify the career path of your brothers.

Do they really want to be the part of the business? Maybe they want to opt for a different path (let’s say work at a bank).

If this is the case, they will need to explain it to your dad by pointing at the fact that they’ll perform better at the thing of their interest.

In this way, their earnings will support the family and In sha’ Allah the financial problems will subside.

Your father needs to trust the capabilities of his sons.

Your parents should let your brothers continue their studies and simultaneously look at the business too.

Having a degree and exposure is of vital importance.

Furthermore, you can do small things to ease out the environment.

Maybe you can plan a picnic where all the family members can sit and relax together without discussing anything related to the business.

While looking at the medical condition of your family members, you can ask an elder person of the family to intervene.

It can be your grandparent or your paternal/maternal uncle who can talk to your father and siblings.

Maybe your brothers are not giving in their best or are not suitable for the business.

In such a situation your father’s worry is acceptable.

So you need to first get hold of the situation in-depth and see that at what point do your brothers fail to live up to the expectations of your father that is consequently resulting in a fight.

As far as the quarrels between your parents are concerned, it is solely because of the business related issue that has been advised previously. That needs to be solved.

In addition, as a wife, your mother needs to provide complete support to your dad and be present at situations, while your father should not open the topic at home.

With patience, support and complete faith in Allah (swt), things will soon become normal.

In sha’ Allah. Make du’aa’ to Allah to give peace at home and arrange the issues in your family.

Salam,

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About Atika Ali Hussein
Atika Ali Hussain received her BA in Social Sciences from Shaheed Zulfikar Ali Bhutto Institute of Science and Technology (SZABIST) and has 3 gold medals in Psychology. She has been working as freelance writer for 6 years for WriterBay and volunteering in an orphanage. You can contact her on her blog: www.lifelogpkblog.wordpress.com