All we have been doing for the past 3 years or more is arguing and disagreeing all the time. We don’t understand one another nor do we sympathise for one another. We can’t have a conversation without arguing over petty things. A year ago we went for counselling which he thought was a big waste of time and effort due to the counsellor having pointed out his faults quite openly. He disagreed and wouldn’t go back again. We separated homes for 2 months until I made the decision to move back with him for my children’s sake.
Recently I told him I wanted another baby and he agreed. I got very sick and lost the baby. He says he doesn’t want to try for another one anymore. We are left in different corners and aspects of our lives. I feel alone and unwanted, and somewhat in absolute dire need for another baby.
The thought of making myself drag this marriage on anymore is eating me inside each day. I think I have actually lost all feelings for my husband. It is quite sad as he has been the only man I could ever see myself with but now I keep imagining myself without him.
I’m so lonely all the time. Within myself like not content, I feel as though I am screaming for love and affection from someone and I’m not getting anything, it kills me. I also have a health condition which leaves me quite sick and motionless. Some days I have pain that I can’t control and I feel like a pathetic wife who cannot attend to her husband as a wife. This also hurts me. He thinks that I don’t care about him.
I always worry about him and what to do when there’s no food cooked for him some days due to my aches and pains. I can see it in his eyes. He's not impressed but he stays quiet. I can’t attend to him sexually because I feel no interest in being that way with him due to my feelings. It’s hard for me to get myself in that mood for him although I do really try to even when I don’t want to. And with that he is displeased with me because he doesn’t get to be intimate as much as he’d like to. The energy and feelings I once had for him that made us keep going all these years have somewhat died down.
He has hurt me a lot the past few years. He had been spending a lot of time with friends late at night and avoiding me as much as he could. He’s hanging out with me and our kids once a week like it was a chore for him and the rest of the time he’s been helping friends and just chilling with them, anything to stay away from home. I thought it was a guy thing so I let him be but not knowingly it created a huge gap between us. I am still somewhat in so much pain over this, but I’m learning to accept and come to terms with it.
My husband is not a bad man, he is god fearing, he loves his religion and prays. He always puts Islam first before anything or anyone. He doesn’t drink or go to bad places. I wish I could bring back my feelings but it seems so difficult after so long. Am I just at my last points now? I feel like I’m really on the edge slipping away each and every day. I always used to lower my gaze wherever I’d go out. But now I can’t help myself astaghfirullah, I find other men attractive but I would never initiate such a thing further.
Am I waiting for nothing and wasting my time? Should I let him go and let him be happy too with someone else who can give him the things he needs? Or should I get it out of my head and keep trying? I feel as though I’ll never settle down after him if I let him go and my chances of having a baby will be gone out the door with him. I’m in such a dilemma, I want to make the right choice. Please let me know what you think? And Allah knows best. Jzk.
Answer
In this counseling session:
- Sister, please take some comfort in knowing many people experience what you are currently feeling and can take steps towards a happier quality of life.
- Utilize both visualizations to examine your feelings about how you feel imagining moving forward with him or not moving forward.
- If you decide to work on the marriage, seek out counseling, do things you once enjoyed and agree on a regular date night.
- If you decide to leave, find a personal counselor for yourself and discuss parenting arrangements for the children involved.
- Make frequent duaa, pray istikhara.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu.
Thank you for taking the time to write in and share your concerns with us.
It is my understanding you have been married to your high school sweetheart for 10 years and have two kids, as well as a miscarriage. I also understand you have both grown apart during this time, attempted counseling which your husband refused to engage in further and have lived separately for a period.
I understand you feel tempted towards other men and fantasize about being with your husband. To begin, Sister, please take some comfort in knowing many people experience what you are currently feeling and can take steps towards a happier quality of life.
Stages of Love
It is not unusual for people in long-term relationships to experience ups and downs in relation to their emotions and attraction level. The initial period of love is more intense, often called the honeymoon phase and it can be like a whirlwind that is intense and all-encompassing with a lot of passion. Lust is typically heightened in this stage. That period is fun, but no relationship stays in that stage of love.
As the relationship further develops, true attachment begins to happen. This is when two people seek to make a commitment to one another, think about marriage and begin to feel they are falling in love. This is usually a happy period full of positive emotions and hope for the future. Statements like “I will never leave you” are common during this period because they truly feel that way and often believe their love is somehow better than anyone else. It is bliss.
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After these initial attractions and moments of falling in love, the relationship becomes truly tested. Most marriages actually fail within the first few years so yours made it past that stage of learning if you could truly live together as one. Once this develops some couples settle into habits and find routines.
It becomes a companionship love that should still encompass love and moments of passion, but it is more about companionship and support. Passion and intensity are as frequent in this stage. During these stages, some people may feel bored or under-stimulated.
Sister, you may be in that companionship stage and feeling under-stimulated or you may be falling out of love and both of you growing apart. Please be aware the two are not the same. Let us explore some concepts to help you determine which one of these is more applicable to you.
Questions and Visualizations
Here are some questions and concepts for you to ask yourself and ponder over honestly. Take your time and really think about these and the ramifications of the answers. Can I be happy with this man for the rest of my life? Is he happy? What example does our relationship show our children?
I want you to try two visualizations. Sit back in a comfortable position with your eyes closed. Take in a few slow deep breaths to calm yourself. Imagine it is 4 years in the future and you are with your husband still, you do not have any more kids and not much has changed. Notice how this makes you feel, the emotions stirring, any physical changes such as your heart rate. What does this make you imagine?
For the second visualization clear your mind, give yourself time to let go of the first one, and once again relax in a comfortable position. Once again imagine it is 4 years in the future but this time you are no longer with your husband, you have your own home and both of you share custody of the children. How does this make you feel? What do you imagine?
Think about both of those visualizations and how they made you feel. Think about what that means and tell you.
Stay or Leave
The question to stay or leave can only be answered by you. If you want to try and fix the marriage, then accept things must change. As you have both tried counseling and were previously separated, this shows that the marriage is not in a healthy position. In order to try and fix the marriage, I firstly suggest you do counsel again.
The fact he stopped going to prior counseling when things got difficult is a bad sign and that left you feeling like he was not serious about fixing the marriage. If he wants to work on the marriage, he must be willing to face his own accountability in that. I would make this a prerequisite to continuing this marriage, not a request.
Think about the things both of you used to do together that you both enjoyed and brought you closer. For example, if you used to go on picnics or used to go to coffee shops then do these activities again. Make time for date night on a regular basis such as every other week. If you cannot go out due to physical pain issues, make it a date night at home such as ordering in favorite food and watching a movie together.
Think about intimate and sexual activities you both enjoy and consider trying them again. Do not force yourself if you do not feel interested or able.
Leave
If you decide that you do not want to take the above-mentioned actions or that your husband will not agree to any of them, then you may wish to consider leaving. As you have already separated once you know what these steps entail. If you decide to leave, I encourage you to still seek out counseling for yourself as it will take time to heal.
Please be aware, it is not healthy to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of children. This is a myth. It only shows children that they should stay in unhappy marriages in the future if they have kids even if they would be happier if they left. You can both be good parents that co-parent whether you are together or not.
More Kids
You mentioned wanting more kids. Sister, I encourage you to wait on this. A child does not fix a marriage and can only create more complications. Until the marriage is stable, I would not venture into having another child. This will not solve anything for you or make anything easier. Please hold off on this until the marriage is more stable or you have moved on and are with someone else.
Final Thoughts
Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.
- Utilize both visualizations to examine your feelings about how you feel imagining moving forward with him or not moving forward
- Ask yourself the above-mentioned questions and ponder over them
- If you decide to work on the marriage, seek out counseling, do things you once enjoyed and agree on a regular date night
- If you decide to leave, find a personal counselor for yourself and discuss parenting arrangements for the children involved
- Make frequent duaa, pray istikhara
I know this is a difficult time for you Sister, but inshallah you can move forward towards a happier and better quality of life. May Allah (swt) heal your heart and guide your choices, ameen.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.