I am sorry to hear that you are having such disturbing thoughts. I imagine these thoughts are very scary to you and may cause you some anxiety while experiencing them. The fact that you can articulate how you feel and discuss your feelings openly (and not wanting to follow through with them) is a good sign. It means that at least for now you have not lost touch with reality nor are you seeking to hide these thoughts which will enable you to get help.
These homicidal feelings may oddly be a need for control. If you were abused as a child, you had no control over stopping your abuser or getting help, thus, were a victim. In a strange sense, your homicidal ideas are much the same – only you are the one in power hurting, torturing and even killing your victims in this scenario. You have the good insight to know these are dangerous thoughts, and you also rightfully fear you may impulsively act upon these horrific thoughts.
While you did not mention your age, how long you have been experiencing symptoms, what lead you to being diagnosed, or even if you have been seeing a therapist and/or taking medicine for treatment. Therefore, I can only go based on what you asked.
As you are schizophrenic, you realize that you need to seek out help immediately in order to get help coping with these feelings. You cannot do it on your own; it will take professional help. Especially since your father just died, you are at greater risk due for decomposition to this loss even if you say you are happy he died.
As you know, schizophrenia is a serious mental health disorder that can severely impact not only your life, but your family and those outside of your family circle who love you as well. However, there is success with treatment if you are compliant. You mentioned that you have one close friend and your mom who you can talk to. I am happy to hear you have a support system. Many people have no one. Please, discuss with your mom your feelings and thoughts, and, in sha’ Allah, kindly ask her to take you to the emergency room or call your therapist for an urgent care appointment. Please, do not be afraid to tell her. She loves you and she needs to know what you are going through so she can help.
With the above stated, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father. While he was a drunk and “destroyed the family”, as you indicated, he did give you life (along with your mother) as ordained by Allah (swt). I am sure you have many painful memories of your childhood with him, and possibly even abuse. Whatever the case may be, even though you state you are happy he died, possibly deep inside you there is a part of you that is saddened; part that wished he was not a drunk, wished that your family life was not destroyed, and possibly even parts of your memory include tender moments; however, few those were between your father and yourself. As his death is recent and you are concerned about your homicidal thoughts, it could be that his death has affected you and you could be experiencing an increase in previous symptoms or developing a psychosis.
In regards to actually acting out upon homicidal thoughts, some researchers find that a triage is usually present. These include: a previous history of dangerous behavior or threats of such behavior; a history of drug or alcohol abuse; and finally adherence to the medication regime. “Time after time when we hear of some tragic death in the news we are told that the person deteriorated after they stopped taking their medication.”
However, the thoughts you are having are serious, and I urge you to seek medical attention now. If that means going to the emergency room, please go. As one who is diagnosed with schizophrenia, you know that your levels of self-control may be impeded by the symptoms of the illness. As I do not know if you are being compliant with your medication/treatment at this time, it is imperative that you get help now.
Please do let your mom know what you are going through and request immediate help. While you may think you do not want to go through another evaluation or a possible short hospitalization, it would be much better than if you did actually harm/kill someone and end up in prison the rest of your life. Prison is not a nice place and you would not like it there at all.
Also, you seem to be functioning at a high level of intelligence and awareness, so this is something you can prevent by being responsible and getting help now.
Please remember Allah (swt) loves you and is most merciful. However, if we are aware of our haram and destructive inclinations as you are, it is up to us to seek the help we need to avoid any harm to others and ourselves. You are in our prayers, please do let us know how you are doing.
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